COMFORT FOOD PERSONALS

WELL, VALENTINES DAY IS COMING UP SHORTLY SO…IT MUST BE TIME FOR ANOTHER….

COMFORT FOOD PERSONALS!

COMFORT FOOD PERSONALS IS OUR WAY OF TRYING TO HOOK THE LONELY UP WITH THE DESPERATE AND THE DESPERATE WITH…. THE MORE DESPERATE.

#1 OUR FIRST LETTER IS FROM GEORGE. GEORGE WORKS ON AN OIL WELL IN…”THE MIDDLE OF… NO WHERE… I MEAN NO WHERE..BLM GUYS WON’T EVEN COME HERE…” AND HE IS LOOKING FOR “A WOMAN WHO DOESN’T MIND DRIVING 2-400 MILES EVERY WEEKEND, HAULING BAG LOADS OF FOOD INTO THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE AND COOKING IT FOR 15 GUYS WHO HAVE BEEN OPENING CANS OF BEANS WITH THEIR TEETH.”
MY….THIS GUY MAKES IT ALL SOUND SO…. TEMPTING DOESN’T HE LADIES..

#2 OUR NEXT LETTER IS FROM THERMOPOLIS ITS FROM MARCY. SHE IS LOOKING FOR… “ANYONE…ANYONE WHO HAS LISTEND TO YO YO MA, ENJOYS BROCCLI QUIESH, HAS WATCHED SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE OR WHEN HARRY MET SALLY MORE THAN ONCE… HAS APPRECIATION FOR THE POETRY OF ELIZABETH BARRET BROWNING AND…. DOESN’T MIND MULTIPLE PIERCINGS AND TATOOS.”

#3 OUR 3RD AND FINAL LETTER IS FROM … PARIS… AND SHE SAYS SHE IS FROM OUTSIDE THE BIG HORN BASIN. PARIS SAYS SHE IS LOOKING FOR A KIND, LOVING, GENTLE WYOMING COWBOY… SOMEONE WHO IS FUN AND LOVES THE NIGHT LIFE. SHE SAYS MONEY IS NO OBJECT…. SHE IS RICH… SHE LOVES CHIHUAHUAS, SHE IS…WELL… RICH, ATTRACTIVE, FUN LOVING, BEAUTIFUL, CHARMING, KNOWS LOTS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE, AND… SHE IS….. A DEMOCRAT. SHE IS GOING TO BE ALON FOR A LONG, LONG TIME…..

AND THAT IS…YOUR COMFORT FOOD VALENTINE PERSONALS!!!

HECK’S ANGEL’S UPDATE #2

SOUND EFFECT.

COMFORT FOOD IN AN ATTEMPT, FEEBLE AS IT MAY BE, WILL KEEP YOU CONSTANTLY UPDATED WITH REPORTS ON THE IMPENDING VISIT BY THE NOTORIUS “HECK’S ANGELS” MOTORCYCLE GROUP.

WE CALL THEM HECK’S ANGELS BECAUSE… THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW AND WE DON’T SAY HELL.

THIS REPORT COMES TO YOU LIVE FROM THE COMFORT FOOD HECK’S ANGEL’S NEWSROOM BUNKER

AND NOW FOR THE LATEST NEWS:

IF YOU MEET ANYONE NAMED:
SKIPPY
BUCKY
PINKY
FERN
TIPPY
OR JANE FONDA
THESE ARE NOT HECK’S ANGELS

NEXT: THE TOP OF THE HILL GANG HAS ANNOUNCED A NEW AD CAMPAIGN DURRING THE VISIT…

“SHOP THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL”

IT IS 165 DAYS UNTIL YOU NEED TO LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS AND…SOME OF YOUR SONS.

AND THIS HAS BEEN A HECK’S ANGEL’S UPDATE!

MILFORD THE MOOSE


HELLO, I AM MILFORD THE MOOSE AND I WOULD LIKE TO STEP OUT OF CHARACTER FOR A MOMENT AND TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE PLANS TO STOP THE FEEDING OF WILD LIFE IN YELLOWSTONE AND OTHER NATIONAL PARKS AND NATIONAL FORESTS?

HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS..

THHHHHPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

THANK YOU.

MRS MILFORD
MRS. MILFORD THE MOOSE.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOU ALL ABOUT AN IMPORTANT ISSUE.

FIRST OF ALL..I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR MY HUSBAND?S RUDE BEHAVIOR EARLIER.. WHEN HE SAID, “THRPPPPPPPPPPT!” TO YOU.

BUT THAT IS SALIVA OVER THE LIPS, AS IT WERE. MY POINT TODAY IS WE ARE ALL VERY UPSET ABOUT THESE IMPENDING PLANS TO STOP FEEDING WILDLIFE IN THE WINTER.

WE THINK THAT IS AN ABSOLUTELY THOUGHTLESS, RECKLESS IDEA. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WORK WE PUT IN? ENTERTAINING THE TOURISTS, POSING FOR CALENDER PICTURES AND WILDLIFE MAGAZINES? THE HOURS OF STANDING AROUND AND LOOKING MAJESTIC WE HAVE TO PUT INTO A DAY!!!?

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO POSE FOR A GROUP OF GERMAN TOURISTS AND THEN GO HOME AND MAKE A 52 LB MACARONI AND CHEESE CASEROLE FOR YOUR HUSBAND AND LITTLE ONES!!??

IT AINT EASY, PAL! THE FEEDING OF WILDLIFE IN WINTER CUTS DOWN ON HOURS OF KITCHEN WORK WE MOOSE COWS—AND I TELL YOU, WE ARE STILL NOT HAPPY WITH BEING CALLED “COWS”— WE HAVE TO PUT INTO A DAY!

JUST LAST WEEK I SPENT A VERY LONG DAY POSING FOR A DUCKS UNLIMITED CALENDER WITH 3 DUCKS PERCHED ON MY BACK. 16 HOURS OF QUACKING, WHINING DUCKS. AND TRUST ME, DUCKS QUACK AND WHINE A LOT. AND THEY DON’T EXACTLY FLY OFF TO THE PORTA-POTTIES TO DO THEIR BUSINESS. I HAD TO LITERALLY SCRUB MY BACK FOUR TIMES AND THEN GO HOME AND PREPARE 112 POUNDS OF ONION DIP AND CHIPS FOR MILFORD AND HIS BUDDIES WHEN THEY CAME OVER TO WATCH THE BULLWINKLE AND ROCKY MARATHON ON “NICK AT NIGHT.”

SO IN CLOSING? FEED US.. OR WE GO ON STRIKE. THAT’S RIGHT. WE DISAPPEAR DURING THE “HIGH SEASON.” WE HEAD FOR THE HIGH COUNTRY. THAT MEANS NO MOOSE. NO MORE PHOTO-OP’S, MISTER, WE DON’T CARE IF NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC COMES CALLING. THINK OF WHAT THAT WILL DO TO YOUR TOURIST TRADE.

NO KIBBLES AND BITS. NO PIX.

THANK YOU.

POLE VAULTER

CODY HIGH SCHOOL POLE VAULTER BEN PETERSON SET A SCHOOL RECORD 2 WEEKS AGO BY CLEARING 16’ 2 ½” . THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A STATE RECORD IF BEN HAD DONE THE VAULT AT A STATE MEET BUT IT IS THE BEST IN WYOMING HISTORY. WE ARE ALL VERY PROUD OF BEN WHO IS RANKED #5 IN THE NATION.

THIS GOT ME TO THINKING, WHO WAS THE FIRST STATE RECORD HOLDER IN THE POLE VAULT. WELL THE COMFORT FOOD INTERNATIONAL STAFF SCOWERED THE RECORDS AND FOUND OUR VERY FIRST WYOMING POLE VAULT RECORD HOLDER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IT IS MY HONOR TO PRESENT TO YOU, DAR FARQUARD… FORMER WYOMING POLE VAULT CHAMPION

CHRIS: WELCOME TO COMFORT FOOD DAR.
THOM: THANK YOU CHRIS, ITS NICE… TO BE BREATHING.
CHRIS: YEAH… YOU ARE KIND OF OLD AREN’T YOU DAR.
THOM: I AM OLDER THAN DIRT CHRIS. I AM 105 YEARS OLD.
CHRIS: HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU SET THE POLE VAULTING RECORD DAR?
THOM: I WAS 16 YEARS OLD… THE YEAR WAS 1917… IT WAS DURING THE GREAT WAR.
CHRIS: WAS IT A … GREAT WAR DAR?
THOM: HOW SHOULD I KNOW, I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER WHO DROVE ME HERE TODAY. I HAVE TO LOOK IN MY LAP TO SEE WHAT I HAD FOR BREAKFAST.
CHRIS: SO TELL ME ABOUT IT DAR.
THOM: WELL… I HAD… WHAT LOOKS LIKE OATMEAL… SOME TOAST…A CUP OF COFFEE.
CHRIS: NO DAR! I MEAN… TELL ME ABOUT HOW YOU SET THE RECORD.
THOM: OH… WELL IT WAS THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP IN DOG LICK WYOMING… WE WERE UP AGAINST A REAL POWERHOUSE IN TRACK AND FIELD… AND WE FIGURED WE DIDN’T HAVE A CHANCE.
CHRIS: WHO WAS THAT POWERHOUSE DAR?
THOM: EMBLEM
CHRIS: EMBLEM… BUT.. THEY HAVE ONLY LIKE.. 10 PEOPLE THERE.. HOW COULD THEY BE A TRACK AND FIELD POWERHOUSE.
THOM: THEY WERE REALLY, REALLY SCRAPPY.
CHRIS: SO YOU ARE IN DOG LICK WYOMING, ITS YOUR TURN TO VAULT… WHAT WAS RUNNING THROUGH YOUR HEAD?
THOM: I WAS THINKING, IF I CAN NAIL THIS HEIGHT… THEN CAROL BUPKISS WOULD BE MINE.
CHRIS: SO YOU HAD A CRUSH ON THIS GIRL, CAROL BUPKISS?
THOM: NOT REALLY BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY SINGLE GIRL OVER 12 IN THE AREA…
CHRIS: IT’S STILL LIKE THAT NOW.
THOM: HER FATHER SAID THAT ANY YOUNG MAN WHO COULD SET A STATE RECORD AT THE MEET WOULD WIN HER HAND IN MARRIAGE. SHE HAD THE BODY OF A BLACKSMITH.
CHRIS: WOW… WHAT PREASURE.. SO DESCRIBE WHAT HAPPENED..
THOM: I LIFTED MY POLE… I RAN… I STUCK THE POLE AND I VAULTED OVER THE BAR AND I WON!
CHRIS: WOW!!! WHAT HEIGHT DID YOU CLEAR?
THOM: 4’ 8 ½”
CHRIS: 4’ 8 ½ INCHES!!!! THAT.. WON.. THAT WAS THE RECORD!!!??
THOM: YEP.
CHRIS: THAT… THAT… WELL… THAT’S ALL!!!!
THOM: YEP.
CHRIS: HOW COULD YOU WIN WITH THAT?
THOM: EASY, FIRST… MY POLE WAS ONLY 3 FEET HIGH, HEY THIS WAS A NEW EVENT… WE WERE STILL WORKING OUT THE KINKS… AND SECOND, EVERYONE FROM EMBLEM WAS AFRAID OF HEIGHTS… THEIR POLE VAULTER PASSED OUT AS SOON AS HE STARTED HIS RUN.
CHRIS: DIDN’T ANYONE ELSE COMPETE AGAINST YOU?
THOM: NOPE… THE WAR WAS ON … THE GREAT WAR… AND WE WERE SHORT OF GUYS ON THE TEAM.
CHRIS: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
THOM: I WAS DRAFTED INTO THE ARMY… I WENT TO FRANCE… FOUGHT IN THE WAR.
CHRIS: WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?
THOM: IT WAS… HARD… IT WAS WAR… AND I HAD THE TOUGHEST, MEANEST, NASTIEST SEARGENT IN THE ENTIRE U.S. ARMY.
CHRIS: DO YOU REMEMBER HIS NAME?
THOM: YES.. CAROL BUPKISS… SHE HAD.. WHAT WE CALL NOW… ISSUES.
CHRIS: I SEE. HOW DID ALL THAT WORK OUT.
THOM: WE WON.
CHIRS: YES… I REMMEBER THAT… WELL DAR, ANY ADVISE TO YOUNG BEN OUR CHAMPION POLE VAULTER.
THOM: YES… DON’T HIT THE BAR.. IF YOU HIT IT YOU LOSE.
CHRIS: THANK YOU DAR FARQUARD!!!!

WYOMING PRIORITIES

THE CASPER STAR TRIBUNE ASKED 56 STATE LEADERS AND PROMINENT CITIZENS TO LIST THEIR 3 PRIORITIES FOR WYOMING IN 2006.

THEY ASKED THE GOVERNOR, FORMER GOVERNORS, LEGISLATORS, PROFESSORS, POLITICAL ADVISORS, POLITICIANS….

GUESS WHO THEY DIDN’T ASK…..

WELL…. DESPITE THAT! HERE ARE MY THREE TOP PRIORITIES FOR WYOMING.

1. COURTESY TOWARDS EACH OTHER WHILE DRIVING.
I PROPOSE THAT THE STATE OF WYOMING INSTITUE THE DEATH PENALTY TO ANYONE WHO DOESN’T WAVE “THANK YOU” TO ANOTHER DRIVER WHEN THEY ARE ALLOWED TO MERGE INTO TRAFFIC OR MAKE A LEFT TURN. DON’T YOU ALL HATE THAT!!! YOU LET THE PERSON IN AND…. YOU HAVE YOUR…”YEAH, SURE ITS ALRIGHT, I WAS HAPPY TO DO IT WAVE” ALL READY TO GO AND YOU GET NOTHING. DEATH!! DEATH TO THEM!!!

2. KEEPING RESTRAUNTS OPEN PAST 9:00PM! HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE TIRED OF SHOWING UP AT RESTRAUNTS AT 9:01PM ONLY TO FIND THEY ARE NOT SERVING FOOD ANYMORE!

3. AND FINALLY…WHAT I THINK IS THE BIGGEST PRIORITY IN
2006……NEGOTIATING A ONE NIGHT ONLY SWITCH… WEST THE BAND PLAYS AT YELLOWSTONE VALLEY INN AND MIKE AND THE TIME MACHINE PLAY AT CASSIES WE’LL CALL IT….THE LOVE TRADE!

AND THOSE ARE MY PRIORITIES FOR WYOMING 2006!

YELLOWSTONE AND NOISE

CHRIS: A RECENT STUDY STATES THAT THE NOISE LEVELS CAUSED BY SNOWMOBILES IN YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK ARE ENDANGERING THE WILDLIFE AND EVEN SOME OF THE SNOWMOBILE RIDERS.

STUDIES SHOW THE DECIBLE LEVELS NOT ONLY SCARE OFF SOME WILDLIFE FROM THEIR ESTABLISHED FEEDING GROUNDS BUT THAT MANY OF THE SNOWMOBILE OPERATORS ARE SUFFERING SIGNIFICANT HEARING LOSS AFTER PROLONGED TRIPS THROUGH THE PARK.

“COMFORT FOOD’S” VERY OWN LARS CANTELOPE HAS BEEN IN YELLOWSTONE TOURING THE AREA THE LAST FEW DAYS ON A SNOWMOBILE AND HAS THIS LIVE REPORT.

CHRIS: HELLO, LARS??? HELLOOOOOOO, LARS?.
THOM: I CANNOT HEAR A THING. IS—IS HE TALKING TO ME?
CHRIS: LARS? HELLO! THIS IS CHRIS. CAN YOU HEAR ME?
THOM: HMPHF. I CAN’T HEAR. BOY, IF HE ONLY KNEW I HAVE RESUMES OUT TO EVERY MEDIA COMPANY IN THE WEST, HE’D SEND ME OUT ON EVEN WORSE IDIOT STORIES.
CHRIS: LARS?. BOOOBY? WE CAN HEEEAR YOUUU.
THOM: I JUST HAVE TO STAY LONG ENOUGH TO GET MY HEALTH INSURANCE COVERAGE FOR MY PEC IMPLANTS, MY NOSE JOB AND MY WEBBED TOES SEPARATED AND THEN I AM OUT OF HERE!
CHRIS: YOU HAVE WEBBED TOES, LARS?
THOM: EVEN IF INSURANCE DOESN’T PAY FOR ALL OF THAT, I HAVE BEEN SKIMMING MONEY OFF MY EXPENSE REPORTS FOR YEARS. 10 DOLLARS HERE, 50 BUCKS THERE? PRETTY SOON, I CAN EVEN HAVE MY WIFE FIXED UP. AND, BOY, YOU TALK ABOUT A “WORK IN PROGRESS.” SHE HAS HAD HALF OF HERSELF LIFTED, THE OTHER HALF DROPPED.
CHRIS: LARS? LARS? YOUR WIFE, CANDY CANTELOPE, IS RIGHT HERE WITH US. IN THE AUDIENCE.
THOM: HER SKIN WAS PULLED BACK SO FAR DURING HER LAST FACE LIFT, SHE CAN’T WEAR A HAT ‘CAUSE SHE HAS ALL THAT SKIN TIED INTO A KNOT ON THE BACK OF HER HEAD.
CHRIS: YO! LARS! LARS? HAVE THE SNOWMOBILES AFFECTED YOUR HEARING?
THOM: I CAN’T HEAR A THING AFTER RIDING THAT STUPID SNOWMOBILE AROUND ALL WEEK. GOOD THING THE RANGERS DIDN’T SEE ME TAKE OUT THOSE 4 WOLF CUBS. I’D BE DOING TIME FOR YEARS. YOU KNOW I ACTUALLY GOT AN 8 X 8 ELK BUCK WHILE I WAS OUT THERE? I RAMMED HIM FROM THE BEHIND AND NOW I HAVE A GREAT TROPHY FOR MY WALL.
CHRIS: LARS? LARS CANTELOPE? YOU ARE ON THE AIR.
THOM: HEY? IS MY EAR PIECE EVEN TURNED UP? I… I CAN’T HEAR A THING. I—OOPS. I NEED TO BOOST THIS THING. NOW, LET ME SEE IF THEY CAN HEAR ME?.. HELLOOOOO, CHRIS.
CHRIS: HELLO LARS! WHAT IS THE SITUATION?
THOM: NOW I CAN HEAR YOU, CHRIS. ALL IS QUIET IN YELLOWSTONE, CHRIS. NO—NO NOISE. NOTHING. IT’S DOWNRIGHT PEACEFUL.
CHRIS: WAIT TILL YOU GET HOME TO CANDY WITH THE ELK’S HEAD. I’M GUESSING SHE’LL PROBABLY BRAIN YOU WITH IT AND THEN WHACK YOU INTO NEXT WEEK WITH THE SKIN KNOT ON THE BACK OF HER HEAD.
THOM: HUH??? GEEEEZZZEE LOUISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAIT! NO—NO. I WAS JUST KIDDING!
CHRIS: WHAT’S WRONG, LARS?
THOM: THERE ARE TWO FEDERAL MARSHALLS FROM THE PARK AND—AND THEY ARE ARRESTING ME! OH, MANNNNNN! CHRIS? GET… GET CANDY FOR ME. I NEED TO GET BAILED OUT. THEY—THEY ARE TAKING ME TO PRISON.
CHRIS: SORRY, LARS, CANDY JUST LEFT WITH THE MORNING DESK CLERK HERE AT THE IRMA. SHE DIDN’T EVEN GIVE HIM TIME TO CLOCK OUT. SO LONG, CANDY. BYE-BYE, BRYCE!!
THOM: BRYCE? I HATE THAT NAME? AW, COME ON, OFFICERS. I WAS ONLY KIDDING. I DIDN’T REALLY… HEY? WOULD YOU LIKE A NEW FUR HAT? MADE IT MYSELF. OUT OF WOLF FUR. IT’S REALLY WARM. OR I COULD SCORE YOU SOME COOL EAGLE FEATHERS—HEY! OW! THAT DOESN’T BEND IN THAT DIRECTION! WAIT, MY MICROPHONE CABLE ISN’T LONG EN—
(PAUSE)
CHRIS: LARS? LARS?? LARRRRRS! WELL, I GUESS LARS IS GOING TO BE DOING SOME FUTURE LIVE REPORTS ON PRISON REFORM DOWN IN LEAVENWORTH. HMMM. A REPORTER IN PRISON. NO ENDANGERED SPECIES THERE, HUH?