OPENING MONOLOGUE #178

WELCOME BACK TO COMFORT FOOD… YOUR OASIS AWAY FROM FINE RADIO…

WE ARE VERY HAPPY TO HAVE JAN ELDREDGE BACK ON THE SHOW… WE REALLY ENJOY

WENDY: CHRIS!! CHRIS TURNER I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU!

CHRIS: WHAT WENDY?

WENDY: I SAW YOU ON TELEVVISION LAST WEEK.

CHRIS: I WAS ON WYOMING PBS LAST WEEK… HELPING THEM WITH THEIR FUNDRAISING…

WENDY: YES… I KNOW!!!

CHRIS: AND I THINK I DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB…

WENDY: CHRIS… YOU HELD A GUN TO A DOG’S HEAD AND THREATENED TO SHOOT IT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T SEND MONEY.

KIM: CHRIS!!! YOU DIDN’T DO THAT DID YOU!!!!

CHRIS: IT WASN’T A REAL GUN….

WENDY: CHRIS… I … I JUST CAN’T BELIVE YOU DID THAT!

FRANK: I CAN.

WENDY: YOU CAN BELIVE HE WOULD DO IT FRANK?

FRANK: YEP… I ONCE BORROWED TEN DOLLARS FROM HIM AND WHEN I DIDN’T PAY HIM BACK WITHIN 24 HOURS… MY NIECE WENT MISSING.

WENDY: CHRIS TOOK YOUR NIECE!!!!??

FRANK: WELL… WE DON’T HAVE PROOF… BUT AS SOON AS I PAID THE TEN DOLLARS BACK… SHE SHOWED UP BACK AT HOME…

CHRIS: THAT’S NO PROOF THAT I TOOK HER….

WENDY: DID YOU EVER GET ANY PROOF FRANK…?
FRANK: WELL… WE DON’T HAVE ANY ABSOLUTE PROOF… BUT FOR A MONTH AFTER SHE SHOWED BACK UP, SHE KEPT REPEATING… TAKE A BIT OUT OF THE RADIO… TAKE A BITE OUT OF THE RADIO.

WENDY: CHRIS… WHERE DID YOU GET THAT DOG YOU THREATENED ON WYOMING PBS?

CHRIS: HE’S MY DOG ARNOLD… AND I DIDN’T THREATEN HIM… HE ONLY KNOWS FEW WORDS OF PEOPLE TALK… HE COULDN’T TELL.

WENDY: WELL… HE LOOKED PRETTY WORRIED WHEN YOU PUT THAT MUZZLE TO HIS HEAD!

CHRIS: WENDY… YOU ARE MAKING A MUCH BIGGER DEAL OUT OF THIS THAN IT WAS.

WENDY: CHRIS…. BOTH MY KIDS BROKE OUT IN SCREAMING TEARS… BEGGING ME TO SAVE THE DOG….I HAD TO PLEDGE $20 TO CALM THEM DOWN

CHRIS: YEAH... THAT HAPPENED ALL OVER WYOMING… WE RAISED $13,000 IN THAT HOUR.

WENDY: WHAT DID THE WYOMING PUBLIC TV PEOPLE SAY WHEN YOU DIDN’T THREATEN THE DOG…

CHRIS: THEY WERE VERY, VERY UPSET… THEY SAID IF I DID IT AGAIN… THEY WOULD GIVE ME A FREE COFFEE MUG.

WENDY: HOW IS THAT BEING …UPSET.

CHRIS: THEY GAVE ME A DIRTY COFFEE MUG.

WENDY: SO… HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU NOT THREATEN THE DOG.

CHRIS: 8 MORE TIMES.

WENDY: SO THEY GAVE YOU 8 MORE COFFEE MUGS?

CHRIS: NO… THEY RAN OUT OF MUGS… I GOT A SWEATSHIRT, A TOTE BAG, AND A CAR THEY DIDN’T NEED ANY MORE.

WENDY: I CAN’T BELIVE THEY CONDONED YOU DOING THAT TO POOR ARNOLD!

CHRIS: OH THEY DIDN’T… THEY GOT VERY ANGRY EVERYTIME I DID IT.

WENDY: REALLY…WHAT DID THEY SAY?

CHRIS: THEY SAID…”CHRIS… DON’T THREATEN THE DOG ANY MORE…. IT’S CRUEL… AND MEAN AND COMPLETELY WITHOUT TASTE…. AND IF YOU DO DECIDE TO DO IT AGAIN… WE’LL BE ABLE TO PAY NOT ONLY FOR SESEME STREET… BUT NOVA AND THE NEWS HOUR WITH JIM LEHRE!

WENDY: THEY REALLY SHOWED YOU!

CHRIS: THEY DID. AFTER ARNOLD AND I RASIED ENOUGH TO PAY FOR AUSTIN CITY LIMITS AND THE AMERICAN EXPERIENCE… THEN THEY REALLY PUT THEIR FOOT DOWN!

WENDY: WHAT DID THEY SAY?

CHRIS: CHRIS TURNER… YOU THREATEN THAT DOG… ONE MORE TIME… AND WE’LL HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO FINANCE YOUR OWN SHOW ON WYOMING PBS.

WENDY: AND….

CHRIS: THE WEIRD WONDERFUL SICK WORLD OF CHRIS IS PREMIERING AT 8PM MAY 1ST.

WENDY: CHRIS… I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU RAISED… THAT WAS ONE OF THE MOST DISTURBING NIGHTS OF TELEVISION I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED!

CHRIS: YOU COULDN’T TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF IT COULD YOU?

WENDY: MY KIDS WOULDN’T LET ME CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!

CHRIS: HOW DID YOU LIKE IT WHEN WE ONLY RAISED $11,000 FOR THE 8:30-9PM SLOT…AND I TOOK ARNOLD OFF CAMERA AND PLAYED THAT GUNSHOT SOUND EFECT?

WENDY: YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER FUNDRAISER FOR MY KID’S THEREPY BILLS!!! EVERYTIME WE TURN ON THE TV, MY SON SAYS… LET’S CHECK TO SEE IF THE DOG IS STILL ALIVE AND WHEN HE DOESN’T SEE IT ON PBS… HE GETS HYSTERICAL!

CHRIS: WHAT ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER?

WENDY: SHE REFUSES TO EVEN WATCH TELEVISION ANY MORE.

CHRIS: WELL… THAT CAN BE A GOOD THING…ISN’T IT?

WENDY: NORMALLY IT WOULD BE BUT NOW… SHE JUST SITS IN HER ROOM AT HER COMPUTER AND WORKS ON HER WEBSITE.

CHRIS: REALLY… SHE HAS A WEBSITE… WHAT’S IT CALLED?

WENDY: WWW. CHRIS TURNER IS A MONSTER AND SHOOTS PUPPIES DOT COM.

CHRIS: SHE HAS THAT WEBSITE!!???

WENDY: YES… DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?

CHRIS: OF COURSE I DO, I’VE RECEIVED $4,000 SINCE WEDNESDAY ASKING ME NOT TO SHOOT ARNOLD… IT’S WONDERFUL!

WENDY: CHRIS… I JUST… I JUST CAN’T BELIVE WHAT LENGTHS YOU WILL GO TO SOMETIMES.

KIM: TELL ME ABOUT IT WENDY… LAST YEAR CHRIS WAS PUT IN CHARGE OF PUBLICITY FOR THE WILD WEST DAYS AND A COUPLE OF WEEKS BEFORE THE HORSE CHRIS ANNOUNCED ANY HORSE THAT FAILS TO REACH IT’S MINIMUM PRICE… WILL BE SOLD TO AGLUE COMPANY.

WENDY: HE DID NOT!

KIM: YEP… HE CALLED NEWSPAPERS ALL OVER THE STATE, TELEVISION STATIONS… EMAILED WEBSITES… IT WAS A HUGE CONTORVERSY.

WENDY: THAT IS JUST TERRIBLE… WHAT HAPPENED?

KIM: WELL…IT WAS TERRIBLE… THAT’S THE PROBLEM… WE MADE MORE MONEY THAN EVER BEFORE… PEOPLE CAME FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY… WE SOLD THE HOTEL OUT…. THE DINNING ROOM WAS FULL… THE BAR WAS FULL…EVERYONE MADE A FORTUNE.

WENDY: ALL BECAUSE CHRIS THREATENED HORSES?

KIM: YEP… THIS YEAR WE’RE ADDING CATTLE…GOATS, SHEEP… WE THINK IF CHRIS THREATENS A FEW CALVES, LAMBS AND KID GOATS... MOST EVERYONE CAN RETIRE.

WENDY: KIM… HOW DOES HE DO THIS?

KIM: I DON’T KNOW WENDY… IT’S JUST…… CHRIS BEING CHRIS….

WENDY: CHRIS… BEING CHRIS… THE THREE SCARIEST WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

CHRIS: WENDY… WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY … TECHNIQUE? IT WORKS… NO ONE GETS HURT… AND EVERYONE PROFITS FROM IT!

WENDY: IT’S JUST IMMORAL!

CHRIS: IT IS NOT… I AM NOT AN IMMORAL PERSON.

WENDY: YOU ARE TOO!

CHRIS: I DON’T PUT A GUN TO YOUR HEAD AND MAKE YOU DO THIS RADIO SHOW EVERY WEEK.

WENDY: NO… YOU DON’T DO THAT BUT YOU DO SOMETHING WORSE.

CHRIS: WHAT’S WORSE THAN DOING MY SHOW? THAT.. DIDN’T COME OUT RIGHT.

WENDY: IT’S WHAT YOU MAKE ME SAY ON THE SHOW THAT’S SO TERRIBLE.

CHRIS: LIKE WHAT…

WENDY: LIKE SAYING…


COMFORT FOOD IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE BIG HORN RADIO NETWORK ON KODI 1400 AM AND KZMQ 1140 AM FROM 9-10 AM SATURDAY MORNINGS …. LIVE FROM THE WORLD FAMOUS IRMA HOTEL WHERE HISTORY, GREAT FOOD, AND GREAT ROOMS COLLIDE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT! OH... AND DON’T FORGET TO GO TO OUR WEBSITE COMFORTFOODRADIO.COM AND SIGN UP FOR OUR PODCASTING DOWLOADS... IT’S FREE!!!! AND IF YOU WANT TO ADD ZIP TO YOUR COMMERCIAL ADDS… CONTACT CHRIS TURNER AT 587 9989… YOU HAVE THE PRODUCT … HE HAS THE VOICE TO SELL IT! ESPECIALLY IF IT INVOLVES THREATENING AN INNOCENT ANIMAL.

BY THE WAY CHRIS… WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST FUNDRAISING HOUR.

CHRIS: THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN… 9-10… SPECIFICALLY THE 9:30 CUT IN. OUR LAST APPERANCE.

WENDY: I DIDN’T SEE THE LAST CUT IN… I’D TAKEN THE KIDS TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM FOR SEDATIVES…

CHRIS: WELL… WE MADE 20 THOUSAND DOLLARS IN 5 MINUTES.

WENDY: WHAT DID YOU DO… THREATEN A BABY OR SOMETHING.

CHRIS: I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!!! NO… ARNOLD STOLE THE SHOW AND THE CALLS AND MONEY JUST …POURED IN.

WENDY: WHAT DID HE DO?

CHRIS: HE BIT ME.

WENDY: SMART DOG!




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RALSTON CHAMBER OF COMMERCE

WYOMING SONG

CHRIS: THE FOLLOWING IS A MESSAGE FROM THE RALSTON WYOMING CHAMBER OF COMMERCE.

WENDY: HI!! I PINKY PATERSON AND I’M THE MAYOR OF RALSTON.

THE NEXT TIME YOU ARE THINKING OF SHOPPING…. SHOP RALSTON.

OUR SHELL GAS STATION HAS A LOVELY BOUTIQUE… YOU HAVE THE CHOICE OF SEVERAL DIFFERENT BOBBLE HEAD DOLLS, CHEAP STATUES AND SWEATSHIRTS. WE HAVE NORTHWEST CENTRAL SOUTHERN WYOMINGS BEST SELECTION OF BEEF, BUFFALO, ANTELOPE, ELK AND CHIPMUNK JERKY AND…. AND…. FOR THE SPECIAL SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE…. WE SELL AMMUNITION!!! LIQUOR TOO!

SO SHOP RALSTON… THE “OH LOOK A TOWN … WE’RE ALREADY THROUGH IT ALREADY” CAPITAL OF THE WORLD!!!

CHRIS: PINKY… YOU KNOW YOU CAN TALK ABOUT BUSINESS’ OTHER THAN THE SHELL STATION IN RALSON.

WENDY: I CAN… LIKE WHAT?

CHRIS: LIKE THE DRIVE THROUGH COFFEE PLACE.

WENDY: THERE’S A DRIVE THROUGH COFFEE PLACE!!!!

CHRIS: YEAH… IT’S ON THE RIGHT AS YOU COME FROM CODY.

WENDY: REALLY!!! WOW… WHAT ELSE IS THERE?

CHRIS: WELL THERE’S A BAR… AND.

WENDY: THERE’S A BAR!!!! WOW!!!

CHRIS: AND THERE’S THAT ANTIQUE/JUNK STORE SOMEONE TRIED TO ROB SEVERAL YEARS AGO.

WENDY: REALLY!!! GREAT!!!! OKAY…. I GOT IT…

SO… SHOP IN RALSTON, WE’RE JUST LIKE NEW YORK… WITHOUT THE SMELL… WE HAVE A DIFFERENT SMELL.

CHRIS: I WOULD TRY SOMETHING ELSE.

WENDY: THAT DOESN’T WORK HMMM OKAY…
WENDY: VIST BEAUTIFUL RALSTON…. WE DON’T HAVE DEMOCRATS!!

CHRIS: NO… THAT… MIGHT OFFEND SOME PEOPLE.

WENDY: HMMM I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT… OKAY.. I’VE GOT IT.

VISIT RALSTON… YOU CAN SAVE 2 CENTS A GALLON!!!!

CHRIS: THAT’S IT!

WENDY: PAID FOR BY THE RALSTON CHAMBER OF COMMERCE… PINKY PATERSON… PRESIDENT AND ONLY MEMBER. THANK YOU.

MOM’S RESTRAUNT

AMBIANT NOISE

CHRIS: MOM’S DINER… I HOPE THIS PLACE IS PRETTY GOOD.

WENDY: WELL… WE’LL SEE.

CHRIS: I’M STARVING… WE’VE BEEN DRIVING FOREVER…HEY… THERE IS A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE.

WENDY: SURE ARE… MUST BE GOOD FOOD.

CHRIS: THE SIGN SAYS… SEAT YOUR SELF… HOW ABOUT RIGHT HERE.

WENDY: FINE WITH ME.

CHRIS: HERE COMES THE WAITRESS.

WENDY: I WONDER IF… SHE IS…”MOM”

CHRIS: WE’LL SEE….. HI… GOOD EVENING… ARE YOU MOM?

JAN: YES… YOU’RE IN THE WRONG SEAT.

CHRIS: EXCUSE ME?

JAN: YOU’RE IN THE WRONG SEAT… THAT’S YOUR FATHER’S SEAT.

CHRIS: EXCUSE ME.

JAN: DON’T YOU TALK BACK TO ME YOUNG MAN. YOU’RE FATHER WILL BE VERY UPSET IF HE COMES HOME AND FINDS YOU IN HIS SEAT.

CHRIS: HE WILL?

JAN: YOU KNW HE WILL… YOU SIT THERE…. IN YOUR REGULAR SEAT.

CHRIS: OKAY… HERE?

JAN: WELL... OF COURSE.

WENDY: UM … MOM… WHAT’S THE SPECIAL TONIGHT?

JAN: LOOK MISSY… JUST BECAUSE YOU MARRIED INTO THIS FAMILY… DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO CALL ME MOM… OR MOTHER… OR MA.

WENDY: I BEG YOUR PARDON!

JAN: NO... I BEG YOUR PARDON… I TOLD HIM NOT TO MARRY YOU.

WENDY: YOU DID WHAT?

JAN: I TOLD HIM WHAT A FLOOZIE YOU WERE… BUT HE WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ME. AND NOW LOOK WHAT HAPPENS… HE DOESN’T CALL OR EMAIL AND IT’S BEEN FOREVER SINCE HE’S BEEN HERE!

WENDY: I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING ON… WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING TO ME LIKE THAT?

JAN: OH… OH…!!! IT’S ALWAYS ALL ABOUT YOU… YOU, NEVER ABOUT HOW ANYONE ELSE FEELS.

CHRIS: SKIP THE SPECIALS… WE’LL JUST ORDER… I’LL HAVE THE CHEESEBURGER… MEDIUM RARE... FRIES… AND A COKE.

JAN: MEDIUM RARE… YOU’LL HAVE IT WELL DONE… I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE YOU TO THE DOCTOR… AGAIN AND HAVE YOUR STOMACH PUMPED… BECAUSE YOU ATE SOME UNDER DONE MEAT AGAIN. AND INSTEAD OF FRIES… YOU’LL HAVE PEAS… AND YOU HAD A COKE EARLIER TODAY… YOU’LL HAVE MILK FOR DINNER. COKE IS BAD FOR YOU… IT ROTS YOUR STOMACH.

WENDY: HONEY… LET’S GO… LET’S GET OUT OF HERE.

CHRIS: BUT… THERE ISN’T A PLACE FOR MILES AND I’M STARVING.

JAN: DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST MY COOKING.

WENDY: UH..NO…NO I DON’T.

JAN: IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM FOR ALL THOSE YEARS… HE WAS RAISED ON THIS FOOD… BUT OH…NOW… NOW... IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIS FANCY LITTLE WIFE…. AND I USE THE LITTLE PART VERY, VERY LOOSELY.

WENDY: NOW SEE HERE…

CHRIS: HONEY… SHHH… LET’S JUST EAT AND LEAVE.

JAN: JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.

WENDY: OKAY... FINE… WHAT ARE THE SPECIALS?

JAN: WELL… TODAY I HAVE MY SPECIAL... HOME MADE TUNA CASEROLE.

CHRIS: TUNA CASEROLE… REALLY?

JAN: WITH THE CRUMBLED POTATOE CHIPS ON TOP… JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.

CHRIS: WOW… I HAVEN’T HAD THAT SINCE… SINCE…

JAN: YOU MARRIED THIS TRAMP!

WENDY: LADY… YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT ONE MORE TIME….

JAN: AND YOU’LL WHAT… KEEP NOT BRINING MY GRANDCHILDREN OVER TO SEE ME!!!! I BET THEY DON’T EVEN REMMBER WHAT I LOOK LIKE!!!

WENDY: LOOK GRANDMA… WE DON’T HAVE ANY KIDS….

JAN: WHAT DID YOU DO…? SELL THEM TO SOME RUSSIAN SLAVER WHO DEALS IN BLACK MARKET CHILDREN!!! I WOULDN’T PUT IT PAST YOU.

WENDY: JUST… GIVE… I’LL TAKE THE TUNA….. THING… AND A BOTTLED WATER.

JAN: YOU’LL GET A COKE… BIG COKE.

WENDY: I THOUGHT YOU SAID COKE ROTS THE STOMACH.

JAN: IT DOES… I’LL GIVE YOU TWO.

WENDY: THAT’S IT WE’RE LEAVING!!!

CHRIS: HONEY… SHHSHHHSHHH… LET’S JUST GET THE ORDER IN AND EAT… AND GET OUT.

WENDY: FINE!!!!

JAN: OKAY DEAR…. YOUR CHEESEBURGER WILL BE READY SHORTLY…. AND YOU… I’LL SEE IF THE TUNA CASEROLE IS DONE… IT WOULD BE A SHAME TO GIVE YOU FOOD POINSONING!!!

RESTRAUNT NOISE….

CHRIS: YOU KNOW… HONEY… THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD… HOW WAS YOURS.

WENDY: IT WAS OKAY… JUST…WHEN DID THEY START PUTTING RAW BEETS IN TUNA CASEROLE?

CHRIS: DID YOU SEE HOW SHE SPELLED OUT… “I LOVE YOU SON” WITH THE PEAS? DID SHE SPELL OUT ANYTHING ON YOURS?

WENDY: YES SHE DID… SHE SPELLED OUT… “STREET WALKER” IN POTATOE CHIPS.

CHRIS: YOU ARE JUST IMAGINING THAT.

WENDY: AND THEN SHE MADE A LITTLE FIGURE…IN SEE THROUGH TOP AND SHORT SKIRT.

CHRIS: LET ME SEE…. WOW... THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU!!! HERE SHE COMES…. OH MAM… MAM… UM… MOM... THAT WAS DELICIOUS…CAN WE GET A DESERT MENU.

JAN: HMMM LET’S SEE… YES… YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THE CLEAN PLATE CLUB… GOOD BOY…. YOU ALWAYS WERE A HEALTHY EATER… NO WASTED FOOD.

WENDY: I WOULD LIKE TO SEE A DESERT MENU TOO PLEASE.

JAN: NOT SO FAST… WHAT’S THAT… ON YOUR PLATE?

WENDY: JUST A LITTLE BIT OF LEFTOVERS…

JAN: YOU HAVE TO FINISH BEFORE YOU GET A DESERT…

WENDY: I AM NOT REALLY FOND OF BEETS…ESPECIALLY RAW ONES.

JAN: THEY’RE GOOD FOR YOU, THEY’LL PUT HAIR ON YOUR CHEST… NOT THAT YOU NEED ANY EXTRA…NOW... EAT THEM.

WENDY: UM..UM… DON’T YOU REMEMBER... I’M ALERGIC….TO BEETS.

JAN: YOU ARE… OH… WELL THEN… EAT YOUR GRAPE GARNISH.

WENDY: I HAVE TO EAT… THE GARNISH?

JAN: YES YOU DO. JUST POP IT IN YOUR MOUTH AND I’LL BRING YOU YOUR DESERT.

WENDY: OH…OKAY… I’LL... JUST EAT… WAIT… OH….OH THIS IS DISGUSTING.

CHRIS: WHAT IS IT?

WENDY: THIS ISN’T A GRAPE… IT’S A… A …TUNAFISHES EYE!

JAN: IT’S PROTIEN… IT’S GOOD FOR YOU!!

WENDY: OH THIS… THIS IS DISGUSTING.

JAN: GET A HOLD OF MISS PICKY!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE MARRIED CAROL WAMPANATA….NOW THERE WAS A SWEET GIRL… ATE EVERYTHING I SERVED HER… WAS POLITE… NEW HOW TO DRESS… HOW TO SPEAK TO PEOPLE… GRADUATED WITH HONORS FROM BUTCHER COLLEGE.

WENDY: THAT’S IT.. WE ARE OUTTA HERE… HONEY PAY THE CHECK AND WE ARE LEAVING!!!!!

CHRIS: OKAY… HERE’S $30… THAT SHOULD COVER IT.

WENDY: WE ARE OUT OF HERE!

JAN: BYE HONEY… SEE YOU SOON… AND DON’T FORGET… WE’RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS AT YOUR AUNT DONNAS.

FRANK: EXCUSE ME MAM… CAN I SEE A MENU PLEASE?

JAN: CERTAINLY… BUT FIRST… WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WASHED YOUR HANDS?

MOTHER’S LITTLE HELPER

GOOD MORNING FOLKS… THIS IS WENDY CORR… AND I’M GOING TO STEP OUT OF CHARACTER FOR A MOMENT.

LIKE MANY OF YOU… I HAVE A BUSY LIFE.

I’M A MOTHER, I’M A NEWS DIRECTOR, I’M A PROFESSIONAL SINGER, I’M AN ACTRESS AND PERFORMER ON COMFORT FOOD, SEC. OF THE CODY ROTARY CLUB, I AM VERY ACTIVE IN MY CHURCH….. HOW DO I DO IT?

I BOUGHT A NORTHWEST COLLEGE STUDENT….

YES… ONLY $75 I WAS ABLE TO PURCHASE A YOUNG LADY FROM NORTHWEST COLLEGE’S COMMUNITY DEVELOPMENT PROGRAM OR.. AS WE CALL IT… THE SLAVE TRADERS.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT SANDY… SANDY…SHE’S MY STUDENT….SHE DRIVE THE KIDS TO SCHOOL, DOES MY GROCERY SHOPPING, WAXES MY CAR… AND SOMETIMES MY LEGS.

SANDY… SAY HELLO TO THE NICE PEOPLE…

JAN: HELLO… SOMEONE… HELP ME… SHE ISN’T AS NICE AS SHE SEEMS.

WENDY: NOW, NOW SANDY… SHE’S SUCH FUN GIRL….A BIG KIDDER.

JAN: SOMEON…CALL MY FOLKS... THEY’RE IN GILLETTE… HELP…(MUFFLE VOICE)

WENDY: IF YOU NEED HELP AND DON’T KNOW WHERE TO TURN WHY NOT CALL THE NORTHWEST COLLEGE COMMUNITY DEVELOPMENT OFFICE… AND ASK HOW THEY CAN HELP YOU.

JAN: PLEASE... HELP ME… LAST WEEK SHE MADE ME SHAVE THIS GUY FRANK’S BACK… IT WAS HORRIBLE!!

WENDY: NOWWW… SANDY… YOU DON’T WANT TO GO BACK INTO THE HOLE DO YOU?

JAN: NO I DON’T MS CORR.

WENDY: GOOD GIRL…. CALL NORTHWEST COLLEGE NOW… 75-SLAVE… CALL NOW… AND LIVE A FREE-ER LIFE AT THE EXPESE OF SOMEONE ELSE… I’M WENDY CORR… AND I FEEL GROOVY!

STRANGE LAWS…

DRAGNET THEME

WHILE READING VARIOUS BOOKS AND TOOLING AROUND ON THE INTERNET… BECAUSE AS YOU CAN TELL… THIS SHOW ISN’T VERY HARD TO WRITE…. HA!! I HAVE RUN ACROSS SOME VERY… STRANGE LAWS AROUND THIS GREAT LAND OF OURS… HERE ARE A FEW EXAMPLES

CHRIS

1. YOU CAN’T GO BAREFOOT IN AUSTIN TEXAS WITHOUT A $5 PERMIT.

WENDY
2. IN HARTFORD CONN. IT’S ILLEGAL TO EDUCATE YOUR DOG.

JAN
3. IF YOU MISPRONOUNCE “ARKASAS” WHEN YOU’RE IN THE STATE, YOU’RE BREAKING THE LAW

CHRIS
4. OREGON PROHIBITS CITIZENS FROM WIPING THEIR DISHES. YOU MUST LET THEM DRIP-DRY

WENDY
5. IF YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT THE CONDITION OF THE STREET IN BATON ROUGE, LA, YOU CAN BE FORCED TO FIX IT YOURSELF

JAN
6. IN WASHINGTON D.C., YOU’RE BREAKING THE LAW IF YOU PAIN LEMONS ALL OVER YOUR CAR TO LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU WERE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY A SPECIFIC CAR DEALER.

CHRIS
7. IN LAWRENCE KANSAS, IT’S AGAINST THE LAW TO CARRY BEES AROUND IN YOUR HAT ON CITY STREETS.

WENDY
8. IT’S ILLEGAL TO SWIM ON DRY LAND IN SANTA ANA, CA.

JAN
9. GOATS CAN’T LEAGALLY WEAR TROUSERS IN MASSACHUSETTS.

CHRIS
10. IT’S ILLEGAL TO SPIT AGAINT THE WIND IN SAULT SAINTE MARIE, MICHIGAN

WENDY
11. YOU CAN’T CARR AN ICE CREAM CONE IN YOUR POCKET IN LEXINGTON, KY.

JAN
12. VIRGINIA LAW PROHIBITS”CORRUPT PRACTICES OR BRIBERY BY ANY PERSON OTHER THAN CANDIDATES.”

CHRIS
13. IT’S AGAINST THE LAW TO DRINK MILK ON A TRAIN PASSING THROUGH NORTH CAROLINA.

WENDY
14. IF YOU DON’T LIKE A STATUE IN STAR, MISS. HOLD YOUR TOUNGE… IT’S ILLEGAL TO RIDICULE PUBLIC ARCHITECTURE.

JAN
15. IT’S AGAINST THE LAW TO STEP OUT OF AN AIRPLANE WHILE IT’S IN THE AIR OVER MAINE.

CHRIS
16. IT’S ILLEGAL TO RID AN UGLY HORSE DOWN THE STREET IN WILBUR, WASHINGTON.

WENDY
17. IN MACOMB, ILLINOIS, IT’S ILLEGAL FOR A CAR TO IMPERSONATE A WOLF.

JAN
18. IN RUMFORD, MAINE, IT’S AGAINST THE LAW TO BITE YOUR LANDLORD.

CHRIS
19. AN ORDINACE IN SAN FRANCISCO BANS PICKING UP USED CONFETTI TO THROW IT AGAIN.

WENDY
20. ITS AGAINST THE LAW IN ATL. GA. TO TIE A GIRAFFE TO A TELEPHONE POLE OR STREET LAMP.

JAN
21. IT’S AGAINT THE LAW IN CHICAGO TO EAT IN A PLACE THAT IS ON FIRE.

CHRIS
22. IN INTERNATIONAL FALLS, MINN. IT’S AGAINST THE LAW FOR A CAT TO CHASE A DOG UP A TELEPHONE POLE.
WENDY
23. IT’S ILLEGAL TO CATCH FISH WHILE ON HORSEBACK IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

JAN
24. IT’S ILLEGAL TO TAKE A LION TO THE THEATER IN MARYLAND.

CHRIS: AND THIS WEEK’S STRANGEST LAW

25. IN QUITMAN GEORGIA, IT IS ILLEGAL FOR A CHICKEN TO CROSS THE ROAD.

AND THOSE ARE SOME OF OUR STRANGEST LAWS!!!