OPENING MONOLOGUE #177

WELCOME BACK TO COMFORT FOOD…. HEY… IF YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT THE WORLD ENDING TODAY, DON’T. REMEMBER… IT’S ALREADY TOMORROW IN AUSTRALIA!

CHRIS: AS ALWAYS IT’S A PLEASURE TO BE BACK WITH YOU…

WENDY: CHRIS… CHRIS… CHRIS…

CHRIS: YES WENDY…

WENDY: BEFORE YOU GET OFF IN TO YOUR OWN WEIRD CHRIS WORLD… I WANTED TO ASK YOU… HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR NEW CITY JOB…YOU KNOW… BEING SEC. OF THE CODY NAVY?

CHRIS: I AM AFRAID THAT DIDN’T WORK OUT WENDY.

WENDY: OH… DID MAYOR NANCY FIND OUT YOU COULDN’T SWIM?

CHRIS: IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT! THERE WERE… COMPLICATIONS.

WENDY: WHAT KIND OF COMPLICATIONS? COULDN’T THEY FIND A LIFE PRESERVER TO PROTECT YOU?

CHRIS: NO! MEAN... THE COMPLICATIONS WERE… BECAUSE OF THE CURRENT ECONOMIC TIMES… WE COULD NOT AFFORD TO PURCHASE A NAVY.

WENDY: SO YOU DON’T HAVE A CITY JOB.

CHRIS: WELL I WOULDN’T SAY THAT.

WENDY: SO YOU DO HAVE ONE…

CHRIS: WELL… I’VE BEEN EXPERIMENTING… A LOT.

WENDY: OH… OKAY… IN CHRIS-SPEAK THAT MEANS… THAT MEANS…. THAT MEANS YOU’VE BEEN FIRED FROM SEVERAL JOBS.

CHRIS: I LIKE TO THINK OF IT AS A SERIES OF CONTINUING TRANSFERS WHILE I FIND MY TRUE PROFESSION.

WENDY: OKAY SO I WAS RIGHT… YOU’VE BEEN FIRED A LOT. WHAT KIND OF JOBS HAVE YOU HAD?

CHRIS: WELL… FOR AWHILE I WAS THE PERMANENT ANGULAR PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICER IN CHARGE OF ANIMAL RELIEF.

WENDY: THE PERMANENT ANGULAR PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICER IN CHARGE OF ANIMAL RELIEF….. PERMANENT ANGULAR OFFICER…. YOU MADE SURE PEOPLE WERE CURBING THEIR DOGS AND CLEANING UP AFTER THEM!!!???

CHRIS: HEY THAT WAS A VERY IMPORTANT JOB!!! I LITTERALLY HELD THE HEALTH OF THE PEOPLE OF CODY IN MY OWN TWO HANDS!!

WENDY: REMIND ME NEVER TO SHAKE HANDS WITH YOU AGAIN. WHAT DID YOU DO AFTER THAT?

CHRIS: WELL…FOR AWHILE I WAS THE HIGH SCHOOL NUTRTION SERVICE OFFICER IN CHARGE OF ITALIAN RELATIONS & NUTRITION….

WENDY: THE HIGH SCHOOL NUTRITION SERVICE OFFICER IN CHARGE OF ITALIAN RELATIONS & NUTRITION….OFICER IN CHARGE OF ITALIAN RELATIONS AND…. YOU SERVED BEEFAGETTIE IN THE HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA!!!!

CHRIS: HEY… THAT IS A VERY, VERY IMPORTANT JOB. WITH OUT ME… THE BEEFAGETTIE WOULD HAVE JUST…. LAID THERE.

WENDY: AND I CAN THINK OF 500 HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS WHO WOULD HAVE REALLY WISHED I HAD. WHAT OTHER CITY JOB HAVE YOU BEEN FIRED FROM?

CHRIS: NOT FIRED…

WENDY: OH… SORRY… WHAT OTHER JOB HAVE YOU BEEN TEPORARILY PERMENANTLY REASSINGNED FROM?

CHRIS: THAT’S BETTER… WELL FOR AWHILE I WAS WORKING WITH THE CITY AND THE GROWING PLASTICS INDUSTRY…ON THE SAFETY END OF IT.

WENDY: GROWING PLASTICS INDUSTRY? SAFETY END? IN CODY? WHERE DID YOU WORK?

CHRIS: I WAS ASSIGNED TO THE PAUL STOCK AQUATIC AND RECREATION CENTER…

WENDY: PLASTICS… RECREATION CENTER…. HA!!!!! YOU WERE BLOWING UP WATER WINGS AND RAFTS AND INTERTUBES AT THE KIDDIE POOL!!!!

CHRIS: HEY…THAT WAS A VERY IMPORTANT JOB! THE LIVES OF THOSE CHILDREN WERE IN MY HANDS.

WENDY: AND LUNGS… SO… AFTER YOU WERE FIRED FROM BLOWING UP WATER WINGS… I’M GOING TO SPEND A LOT OF HOURS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THAT IS POSSIBLE, WHAT DID YOU DO NEXT?

CHRIS: FOR A BRIEF WHILE I WAS MAYOR NANCY’S WORLD VEIW ADVISOR.

WENDY: WORLD… VIEW … ADVISOR?

CHRIS: YES… I HELPED HER… HOW DO I PUT THIS…?

WENDY: WHAT EVER WAY YOU PUT IT… IT’LL BE DIFFERENT FROM THE TRUTH.

CHRIS: I AIDED MAYOR NANCY SO THAT SHE WOULD HAVE A CLEAR VIEW OF CODY AND EVERYTHING AROUND HER.

WENDY: HMMMMM THIS ONE… IS TRICKY…. MAYOR NANCY… WORLD VIEW…. CLEAR… VIEW…. HA!!! YOU WASHED WINDOWS AT CITY HALL!!!!

CHRIS: AND I DID A DARN GOOD JOB!!!

WENDY: WHY DID THEY FIRE YOU THEN?

CHRIS: TRANSFERRED!

WENDY: OKAY.. WHY DID THEY TRANSFER YOU?

CHRIS: WELL… MAYOR NANCY WAS HAVING A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING IN HER OFFICE… AND I WAS DOING SOME OUT DOOR MAITENANCE ON HER VIEWING RECEPTICAL…

WENDY: YOU WERE WASHING HER WINDOWS… GO ON.

CHRIS: AND THERE WAS THIS LITTLE SPOT I WAS HAVING TROUBLE WITH SO I USED AN ORGANIC SUBSTANCE TO CLEAN IT… AND I MIGHT ADD I STAYED WITH IN THE CITY REGULATIONS OF USING ONLY GREEN CLEANING MATERIALS.

WENDY: YOU HACKED ON HER WINDOW DIDN’T YOU CHRIS?
CHRIS: IT WAS A REALLY TOUGH SPOT.

WENDY: AND ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE MEETING SAW IT… DIDN’T THEY.

CHRIS: TWO PEOPLE SPIT OUT THEIR COFFEE….ON THE MAYOR.

WENDY: SO… AFTER HACKING ON THE MAYOR’S WINDOW AND GETTING HER DRENCHED IN COFFEE WHAT DID YOU DO THEN?

CHRIS: THEN… I THOUGHT I FOUND MY REAL CALLING… SOMETHING I JUST LOVED.

WENDY: OH DEAR LORD… I AM ALMOST AFRAID TO ASK… WHAT IS YOUR REAL CALLING?

CHRIS: OH THIS WAS GREAT… I WAS THE ANIT TERRORIST AIREAL GROUND OBSERVER!

WENDY: YOU WERE THE… ANIT TERRORIST AIREAL GROUND OBSERVER. HMMM OKAY… THAT IS TOUGH…. HMMM OKAY I GIVE UP.

CHRIS: I WAS IN CHARGE OF MAKING SURE TERRORISTS DIDN’T BOMB CODY FROM THE AIR.

WENDY: OKAY… THAT’S A PRETTY SIMPLE JOB… HOW DID YOU SCREW THAT UP?

CHRIS: I LEFT OVER A SLIGHT ERROR IN AIREAL RECOGNITION.

WENDY: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

CHRIS: I CALLED THE WYOMING NATIONAL GUARD AND THEY SCRAMBLED 4 JETS TO INTERCEPT THE GOVERNOR’S AIRPLANE.

WENDY: NO!!! YOU DIDN’T!!!

CHRIS: YEAH….. REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS HERE A FEW WEEKS AGO… FOR THE PARK COUNTY CENTENIAL… WELL… THERE WAS A MIX UP AND THE AIR NATIONAL GUARD LOCKED MISSILES ON THE GOVERNOR’S PLANE.

WENDY: WHAT HAPPENED?

CHRIS: THE GOVERNOR HAD TO STOP BY WALMART FOR A NEW PAIR OF PANTS BEFORE HE GAVE HIS SPEECH.

WENDY: I SEE… SO… DO YOU HAVE A JOB NOW?

CHRIS: I CERTAINLY DO!!! AND IT’S A GREAT JOB!!

WENDY: OKAY... GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT.

CHRIS: I AM THE CITY’S JOINT BUSINESS RELATIONS LIASON WITH A MAJOR, MAJOR BUSINESS IN CODY. SO THERE.

WENDY: AND THAT ENTAILS… WHAT?

CHRIS: I GIVE TALKS TO FOLKS ON BEHALF OF THE CITY AND A VERY LARGE AND INFLUENCIAL BUSINESS IN THIS TOWN AND… IN FACT…IT’S ONE OF THE LARGEST BUSINESS’ I THE WORLD.

WENDY: DON’T TELL ME YOU WALK UP TO PEOPLE AND SAY….

COMFORT FOOD IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE BIG HORN RADIO NETWORK ON KODI 1400 AM AND KZMQ 1140 AM FROM 9-10 AM SATURDAY MORNINGS …. LIVE FROM THE WORLD FAMOUS IRMA HOTEL WHERE HISTORY, GREAT FOOD, AND GREAT ROOMS COLLIDE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT! OH... AND DON’T FORGET TO GO TO OUR WEBSITE COMFORTFOODRADIO.COM AND SIGN UP FOR OUR PODCASTING DOWLOADS... IT’S FREE!!!! AND IF YOU WANT TO ADD ZIP TO YOUR COMMERCIAL ADDS… CONTACT CHRIS TURNER AT 587 9989… YOU HAVE THE PRODUCT … HE HAS THE VOICE TO SELL IT!

CHRIS: YOU COULDN’T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH MS CORR.

WENDY: THEN WHAT DO YOU SAY IN YOUR LITTLE “SPEECHES”.

CHRIS: I THINK THAT’S SECURE INFORMATION… ONLY MENT BETWEEN MYSELF AND THE PEOPLE I AM WORKING WITH.

KIM: HEY… WENDY… I’VE SEEN CHRIS AT HIS NEW JOB.

WENDY: OH… YOU HAVE KIM WHAT DOES HE SAY….?

KIM: HE SAYS…. WELCOME TO WALMART. WOULD YOU LIKE A BUGGY.

WENDY: CHRIS IS A WALMART GREETER!!?

CHRIS: KIM YOU ARE SO WRONG... WRONG…WRONG…WRONG!!!

WENDY: OKAY… WHAT’S WRONG WITH WHAT KIM SAID?

CHRIS: I SAY… WELCOME TO THE CODY WALMART, WOULD YOU LIKE A BUGGY?


PATTIES PLANT HOSPICE

THE FOLLOWING PORTION OF COMFORT FOOD IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY… PATTIE’S PLANT HOSPICE.

DO YOU HAVE A PLANT THAT’S ABOUT TO DIE… IS IT ON IT’S LAST STEMS… THEN BRING IT TO PATTIES PLANT HOSPICE WHERE WE BELIVE EVERY PLANT…

I JUST CAN’T DO THIS… I CAN’T READ THIS ANY MORE…. TURNER WILL SELL TIME TO ANYONE… HE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO STANDARDS WHAT-SO-EVER.

THIS IS ALMOST AS TASTELESS AS THE TIME HE HAD ME DO ADDS FOR WAYNES WORMING WORLD… 3 FLUSHES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.

YOU.. THE LIVE AUDIENCE… HE NEVER LISTENS TO THESE ADS… SO.. JUST SMILE… GOOD… GOOD.. NOW LAUGH A LITTLE… GOOD… NOW NOD YOUR HEADS… NOW… ONE MORE LAUGH… GREAT… THANK YOU.. I HAVE TO FINISH NOW…

PATTIES PLANT HOSPICE…. THEIR ALREADY IN THE DIRT.

SEE… EVEN THAT WAS TASTELESS.


THE SHOSHONI SCHOOL BOARD…

CHRIS: THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE IS FROM THE SHOSHONI PUBLIC SHOOL SCHOOL BOARD

WENDY: HELLO… MY NAME IS HELEN MOOT AND I AM CHAIRMAN OF THE SHOSHONI PUBLIC SCHOOLS… SCHOOL BOARD.

WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE CONTROVERSY GROWING ACROSS THIS COUNTRY WITH WHAT IS THE PROPER CURRICULUM TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN.

WETHER IT BE SEX EDUCATION, INTELLIGENT DESIGN, CELLPHONES IN SCHOOL OR WETHER CAMPUS’ SHOULD BE OPEN OR CLOSED AT LUNCH TIME.

THESE ARE PRESSING ISSUES… AND YES… EVEN THE SHOSHONI SCHOOL SYSTEMS HAS BEEN CAUGHT UP IN THEM.

AFTER SPEAKING TO AT LEAST… 5 OR 6 PEOPLE… THE SHOSHONI SCHOOL BOARD HAS VOTED TO NO LONGER ALLOW… THE NORTHWEST MANLY PLANNING CLINIC TO SPEAK TO OUR STUDENTS ON COUNTER-CEPTIVES.

IN THE PAST, NORTHWEST MANLY PLANNING WAS ALLOWED TO SPEAK TO OUR STUDENTS ABOUT COUNTER CEPTIVES… AND THE NEED FOR COUNTER-CEPTIVES IN THEIR LIVES…. BUT NO LONGER.

I KNOW… MANY OF YOU THINK THIS IS CLOSE MINDED OF US BUT WE ARE FIRM ON THIS… AND I’LL TELL YOU WHY…

WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A COUNTER-CEPTIVE IS BUT… IT SOUNDS NAUGHTY… AND THAT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR US.

AS FOR MANLY PLANNING…. WELL… WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS EITHER… BUT IT SOUNDS DIFFERENT TOO…

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME… AND REMEMBER THE SHOSHONI SCHOOL MOTTO….

SHOSHONI… WE AREN’T NARROW MINDED… WE’RE NARROW BRAINED.


WAPITI AIR-FORCE

WENDY: THIS IS COMFORT FOOD SPECIAL COORESPONDANT WENDY CORR.

RECENTLY… MARINES FROM CAMP PENDLETON IN CALIFORNIA WERE BANNED FROM TAKING TRIPS TO THE MEXICAN CITY OF TIJUANA BECAUSE OF SAFETY CONCERNS.

BECAUSE OF THE RISING VIOLENCE AMOUNG THE DRUG CARTELS AND THE MEXICAN POLICE… THE POPULAR TOURIST DESTINATION HAS WELL… LET’S BE HONEST PEOPLE… IT’S A HECK HOLE.

THIS STORY MIGHT HAVE GONE UN-NOTICED HERE IN WYOMING UNTIL THE UNITED STATES AIR FORCE BANNED AIRMEN AND WOMEN FROM VISITING WAPITI BECAUSE OF “SAFETY AND SECURITY CONCERNS”.

TO UPDATE US ON THE SITUATION, WE’VE ASKED GENERAL BOB… BOMB THEM INTO THE STONE AGE, BURNS TO EXPLAIN THE REASONS FOR THE BAN…

GENERAL… IT’S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU HERE ON COMFORT FOOD.

CHRIS: THANK YOU… AND JUST CALL ME GENERAL BOMB.

WENDY: BUT… GENERAL… GENERAL IS EASIER.

CHRIS: I KNOW…

WENDY: GENERAL BOMB… WHY THE WAPITI BAN ON AIRMEN AND WOMEN.

CHRIS: AH AH, AH, AH, AH WE WERE CONCERNED FOR THE SAFETY OF OUR PEOPLE… SO WE SAID… YOU CAN’T GO THERE ANY MORE.

WENDY: I HAD.. I HAD NO IDEA THAT WAPITI WAS SUCH A POPULAR SPOT FOR MEMBERS OF THE AIRFORCE.

CHRIS: WELL… WE AIRFORCE… UM... UM… UM…

WENDY: AIRMEN & WOMEN?

CHRIS: YEAH.. YEAH… WE HAVE A THING FOR AIRMAIL.

WENDY: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS… NOW GENERAL BOMB… HAVE THERE BEEN ANY INCIDENTS INVOLVING YOUR AIRMEN AND WOMEN IN WAPITI.

CHRIS: YES… UNFORTUNATELY… SEVERAL… THERE WAS THE TIME 2 OF OUR GUYS HAD A FLAT TIRE THERE.

WENDY: AND….

CHRIS: AH,AH AH ,AH THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH IT. THEY GOT A FLAT TIRE… IT WAS FIXED AND THEY LEFT.

WENDY: THAT DOESN’T SEEM… BAD.

CHRIS: WELL ONE OF OUR GUYS ENDED UP GETTING A REALLY BAD HANG NAIL FROM THE INCIDENT.

WENDY: A HANG NAIL… OOOOKAY… WHAT ELSE HAS HAPPENED IN WAPITI?

CHRIS: WELL…THERE WAS THE TIME AN AIRWOMAN WAS ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF WAPITI AND… A DEAR CROSSED THE ROAD IN FRONT OF HER.

WENDY: DID SHE… HIT THE DEER?

CHRIS: NO… MISSED IT BY ABOUT 30 FEET.

WENDY: BUT THAT WAS ENOUGH TO BAN YOUR AIRMEN AND WOMEN….

CHRIS: LET’S JUST CALL THEM…. AIR HEADS.

WENDY: I THINK … AIR… PEOPLE WOULD BE BETTER.

CHRIS: AH, AH, AH, OKAY.

WENDY: AS I WAS SAYING… THAT WAS ENOUGH TO BAN YOUR AIR PEOPLE FROM WAPITI?

CHRIS: WELL… SHE WAS IN A COMPANY CAR.

WENDY: I SEE… ANY OTHER INCIDENTS IN WAPITI?

CHRIS: AH, AH, AH, OH YEAH… HUNDREDS.

WENDY: LIKE WHAT?

CHRIS: WELL… WE HAVE QUITE A FEW MORE WITH THOSE DEER…. THEY JUST … RUN WILD ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WENDY: THAT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE WILD GENERAL BOMB.

CHRIS: YOU’RE TELLING ME… AND THEY GET SNOW THERE.

WENDY: WELL… YES… WE ARE IN WYOMING… WE GET SNOW ALL OVER THE PLACE.

CHRIS: BUT… THEY GET SNOW ON THE ROAD…. ON THE ROAD!!

WENDY: WE GET SNOW ON ALL OF OUR ROADS.

CHRIS: BUT SOMETIME… IT DOESN’T COME OFF!!! AND THEN THERES THE WIND.

WENDY: THE WIND… WELL YES WE HAVE WIND BUT WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH WIND?

CHRIS: IT’S ALWAYS MOVING…

WENDY: THE WIND IS… MOVING?

CHRIS: YES… MOVING… FAST AIR… AND THAT MAKES IT VERY… VERY…

WENDY: WINDY?

CHRIS: EXACTLY! AND THEN THERE’S THAT DEN OF INIQUITY. THE WAPITI LODGE.

WENDY: THE… WAPITI LODGE?

CHRIS: YES.. THAT’S WHAT I SAID, THAT’S WHAT THE MAN SAID, THAT’S WHAT HE SAID.

WENDY: I’VE NEVER THOUGHT OF THE WAPITI LODGE AS ANYTHING BUT A BAR AND A RESTRAUNT… IS THERE SOMETHING ELSE I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

CHRIS: ISN’T THAT ENOUGH! YOU WALK IN THERE… ANDYOU ASK FOR A BEER… AND… THEY JUST GIVE IT TO YOU!!!!

WENDY: YES…. SO?

CHRIS: FIRST COMES BEER THAN THEN DO YOU KNOW WHAT COMES AFTER THAT!!???

WENDY: OH…. I DON’T KNOW… PRETZELS?

CHRIS: EXACTLY!!!!CARBS!!!! CARBS ARE THE DEVIL!!!! I WILL NOT HAVE OUR SWEET INOCENT AIRHEADS…

WENDY: AIR PEOPLE….

CHRIS: YES… AIR PEOPLE… EXPOSED TO BEER AND CARBS! THEY MIGHT MOVE ON TO THE HARD STUFF!

WENDY: WHISKEY?

CHRIS: NO… POTATOE CHIPS!

WENDY: AND FOR ALL THESE REASONS… YOU WANT TO BAND YOUR AIRPEOPLE FROM WAPITI?

CHRIS: AH ,AH, AH ,AH ,AH, YES!

WENDY: GENERAL BOMB… I LOOKED UP YOUR RECORD AND YOU HAVE QUITE A RECORD ON … WELL… BANNING AIRPEOPLE FROM CERTAIN ACTIVITIES… YOU BANNED ALL THE AIRMEN/WOMEN/PEOPLE IN MICHIGAN FROM PLAYING SKI BALL AT THE STATE FAIR.

CHRIS: YES… SKIING IS DANGEROUS… THEY COULD FALL DOWN AND BREAK SOMETHING.

WENDY: AND IN FLORIDA… YOU BANNED THEM FROM GOING SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN.

CHRIS: DIDN’T YOU SEE JAWS!!!

WENDY: AND IN WASHINGTON YOU BANNED THEM FROM GOING IN AND OBSERVING CONGRESS AT THE CAPITAL BUILDING… OKAY… I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT… AND IN TEXAS YOU BANNED ANYONE ON YOUR BASE FROM PLAYING MILEY CYRUS MUSIC… IS MILEY CYRUS’S MUSIC DANGEROUS TO OUR TROUPS?

CHRIS: NO… IT’S JUST ANNOYING.

WENDY: GENERAL BOMB… DO YOU HAVE PLANS TO BAN AIRPEOPLE FROM ANY OTHER WYOMING TOWNS?

CHRIS: AH, AH, AH, YES… WE ARE BANNING THEM FROM VISITING…CODY, LARAMIE, CHEYENNE, CASPER, JACKSON, POWELL, LOVELL, WILSON, BUFFALO, SHERIDAN, GILLETTE, DOUGLAS, WEATLAND, CHUGWATER… BAD PLACE THAT CHUGWATER, BASIN, WORLAND, BURLINGTON, SHOSHONI, MONETA, WALTHAM, NODE, GREYBULL, TEN SLEEP, SUNDANCE, ROCK SPRINGS, PINEDALE, ROCK SPRINGS…

WENDY: YOU SAID ROCK SPRINGS TWICE…

CHRIS: CAN YOU BLAME ME?

WENDY: NO…NOT REALLY… GENERAL BOMB.. IS THERE ANYWHERE YOUR AIRPEOPLE WILL BE ALLOWED TO VISIT.

CHRIS: YES… OTTO… OTTO WYOMING.

WENDY: BUT THERE’S NOTHING THERE! IT’S PRACTICALLY A GHOST TOWN! RALSTON HAS MORE GOING FOR IT THAN OTTO… AN EMPTY LOT IN MOOSE JAW HAS MORE GOING ON THAN OTTO.

CHRIS: MOOSE JAW… I GOTTA ADD THAT TO THE LIST.

WENDY: GENERAL BOMB… CAN YOU GIVE ME ONE REASON ANY OF YOUR AIRPEOPLE…. AIRMEN & WOMEN SHOULD GO TO OTTO WYOMING?

CHRIS: AH, AH, AH, AH… YES…. BECAUSE.. THET OTTO BE THERE AND NO WHERE ELSE.

WENDY: THANK YOU AIRFORCE GENERAL BOMB ‘EM BACK INTO THE STONE AGE BURNS.

CHRIS: AH..AH… BY THE WAY… THE AIRFORCE IS GOING TO GET RID OF ALL OF OUR EXPLOSIVES

WENDY: THEN WHAT WILL YOU USE THEN?

CHRIS: TOM CRUISE…

WENDY: WHY TOM CRUISE…IS IT BECAUSE HE WAS IN TOP GUN…

CHRIS: NO… THAT WAS A GOOD MOVIE…BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HIS LAST COUPLE OF MOVIES… THEY’RE REAL BOMBS!!!

WENDY: THANK YOU AIRFORCE GENERAL BOMB ‘EM BACK INTO THE STONE AGE BURNS.

CHRIS: SO LONG….!!!


BANNED FROM WALMART

SOUND EFFECT STORE…

I KNOW… A LOT OF YOU MEN OUT THERE… HATE SHOPPING. YOU HATE GOING UP AND DOWN THE AISLES… ESPECIALLY ANYWHERE NEAR LINNENS AND TOWELS AND SUCH. JUST SHOOT ME WHEN I HAVE TO DO THAT…

IN ORDER TO HELP MY FELLOW MEN… GUYS… HUSBANDS… VICTIMS… I HAVE PUT TOGETHER A LIST OF WAYS FOR ME, FOR YOU, FOR ALL OF US TO GET BANNED FROM WALMART… KMART… ALMOST ANY TYPE OF STORE.

HERE THEY ARE….

1. SET ALL THE CLOCKS IN HOUSEWARES TO GO OFF IN 5 MINUTE INTERVALS.

2. RUSH AROUND THE STORE IN A SUSPICIOUS MANNER AND HUM THE “MISSION IMPOSSIBLE” THEME VERY LOUDLY.

3. GO UP TO THE SERVICE DESK AND INSIST ON PUTTING A BAG OF M&M’S ON LAYAWAY.

4. MOVE A “CAUTION-WET FLOOR” TO A CARPETED AREA.

5. WHEN A CLERK ASKS…”CAN I HELP YOU?” START CRYING AND SCREAMING…”WHY CAN’T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE” HEY.. THAT WORKS!

6. GO TO THE HUNTING DEPARTMENT… ASK TO SEE A COUPLE OF GUNS… AND THEN ASK THE CLERK…”WHERE ARE THE ANITDEPRESENTS?”

7. GO INTO THE AUTOMOTIVE DEPARTMENT… GET TWO FUNNELS AND PRACTICE YOUR “MADONNA LOOK”.

8. HIDE IN A CLOTHING RACK… AND WHEN PEOPLE START BROWSING THROUGH IT… YELL… PICK ME!! PICK ME!!

9. HERE’S A FAVORITE OF MINE…. WHEN AN ANNOUNCEMENT COMES OVER THE LOUD SPEAKER… IMMEDIATELY ASSUME A FETAL POSITION AND BEGING SCREAMING “OH NO… IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!!!!”

10. THIS NEXT ONE IS GREAT… THIS IS HOW I GOT BANNED FROM MACY’S, DILLARDS AND J.C. PENNY’S IN ALL 50 STATES… GO INTO A FITTING ROOM OR CHANGING ROOM… WAIT FOR AWHILE AND THEN BEGIN YELLING… “HEY… THERE’S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!”

11. AND FINALLY…. PICK UP 24 BOXES OF… WELL I CAN SAY THIS? CONDOMS, PICK UP 24 BOXES OF CONDOMS AND RADOMLY DROP THEM IN PEOPLE’S CARTS.

HEY… YOU MAY BE LAUGHING… BUT I DON’T EVER HAVE TO WALK INTO A WALMART IN THE STATE OF MONTANA EVER AGAIN!!!


WEIRD FACTS

OVER THE YEARS OF DOING THIS SHOW, I HAVE COLLECTED SOME WONDERFUL STRANGE FACTS… AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH THEM.

I TRIED SHARING AT THE DINNER TABLE BUT MY FAMILY GAVE ME THAT… “NO…NO… NOT THE SOME WEIRD FACT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH SPEECH AGAIN.”

SO I DECIDED TO SHARE THEM WITH MY ADORING AUDIENCE.

WENDY: HA!!!

CHRIS: WHAT WAS THAT WENDY?

WENDY: I SAID HA!! AS IN …HA!

CHRIS: WENDY, MY AUDIENCE ADORES ME.

WENDY: NO… CHRIS.. WE KEEP TELLING YOU… THEY ABHORE YOU… ABHORE IS DIFFERENT FROM ADORE.

CHRIS: WHATEVER… NOW… HERE ARE SOME OF MY FUN… WEIRD FACTS.

HOLLAND IS THE ONLY COUNTRY WITH A NATIONAL DOG, THE KEESHOND.

WENDY: WHY IS THE… KEESHOND….IS IT? WHY IS THE KEESHOND THE NATIONAL DOG OF HOLLAND.

CHRIS: WELL… THEY ARE USED AS WATCHDOGS.

WENDY: WHAT DO THEY WATCH?

CHRIS: THEY GUARD THE DUTCH CANAL BARGES, RIVERBOATS, FARMS AND THE WATCH THE DARNS FOR LEEKS.

WENDY: DARNS?

CHRIS: YES… DARNS.. THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW. THE SQUARE DANCE IS THE OFFICIAL STATE DANCE OF WASHINGTON… STATE.

WENDY: YOU KNOW… I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT WAS THE STATE DANCE OF… OH.. I DON’T KNOW… INDIANA OR IOWA.

CHRIS: WELL IT ISN’T. I DO HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT IOWA DOESN’T HAVE A STATE DANCE… BUT INDIANA DOES.

WENDY: WHAT’S THEIR STATE DANCE?

CHRIS: IT’S ACTUALLY A HIP HOP DANCE… CALLED … HOOZIER DADDY… AND IT’S MUCH LIKE THE STATE DANCE OF SOUTH DAKOTA… THAT ONE IS CALLED… WHO IS YOUR DADDY.

WENDY: THIS IS JUST… SAD.

CHRIS: NEXT… DID YOU KNOW HWAII IS THE ONLY U.S. STATE TO NEVER REPORT A TEMPERATURE OF ZERO?

WENDY: NO I DID NOT… AND I DON’T CARE.

CHRIS: IN OTHER WORDS… YOUR INTREST IN THAT FACT IS…

WENDY: ZERO… ZILCH.

CHRIS: MOVING RIGHT ALONG… DID YOU KNOW ALUMINUM DID NOT EXIST IN ANY MEANINGFUL WAY UNTIL THE 20TH CENTURY? IN FACT... THE 10 INCH HIGH PYRAMID AT THE TIP OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT IS MADE OF ALUMINUM RATHER THAN GOLD BECAUSE GOLD WAS LESS VALUABLE THAN ALUMINUM IN 1884 WHEN THE MONUMENT WAS FINISHED.

WENDY: THAT… ACTUALLY KIND OF INTERESTING.

CHRIS: YOU THINK SO… THEN YOU WILL LOVE THIS….
YOUR BODY CREATES 15 MILLION RED BLOO CELLS EVERY SECOND.

WENDY: NO WONDER I AM EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME!!!

CHRIS: NOW… HERE IS ANOTHER ONE…….

WENDY: I JUST MADE 15 MILLION BLOOD CELLS…

CHRIS: AS I WAS SAYING… NEXT..

WENDY: I JUST DID IT AGAIN….

CHRIS: WENDY ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS…?

WENDY: THAT’S 30 MILLION…. NOW 45 MILLION…

CHRIS: WENDY!!!! OKAY NEXT… MOST LIPSTICK CONTAINS FISH SCALES.

WENDY: BLLLECHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! OH MAN… BLECH….. PTTTT!!!

CHRIS: I KNEW YOU WOULD LIKE THAT…. AND NOW FINALLY.

WHEN SWISS CHEESE FERMENTS, A BACTERIAL ACTION GENERATES GAS. AS THE GAS IS LIBERATED, IT BUBBLES THROUGH THE CHEESE LEAVING HOLES. CHEES-MAKERS CALL THEM EYES. ISN’T THAT COOL?!!!

WENDY: OKAY…SO…

CHRIS: DON’T YOU GET IT… SWISS CHEESE IS CAUSED BY THE CHEESE PASSING GAS.

WENDY: YEAH… SO?

CHRIS: THAT’S WHERE WE GET THE SAYING… WHO CUT THE CHEESE!

WENDY: CHRIS TURNER!!!!

CHRIS: AND THOSE ARE YOUR WEIRD FACTS FOR THE DAY