OPENING MONOLOGUE SHOW #175

WELCOME BACK TO COMFORT FOOD…. A FREE HOUR OF FUN AND ENTERTAINMENT WRITTEN ESPECIALLY FOR YOU… BY ME…DON’T THROW THINGS AT ME!

MUSIC-MONEY BY PINK FLOYD

WE HERE AT COMFORT FOOD, LIKE ALL OF YOU OUT THERE ARE FEELING THE CURRENT ECONOMIC CRUNCH.

WENDY: YOU CAN BELIVE THAT. WE’VE BEEN FEELING IT FOR YEARS.

CHRIS: NOW, NOW WENDY… YOU GET PAID A GOOD SALARY.

WENDY: YOU MEAN CELLERY.

CHRIS: I DON’T PAY YOU IN CELLERY… THAT HAPPENED JUST ONCE. BUT SERIOUSLY… I PAY YOU A LOT OF CABBAGE.

WENDY: THAT’S THE PROBLEM.

CHRIS: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WENDY: YOU PAY US IN CABAGE.

KIM: I’VE EATEN SO MUCH COLE-SLAW I COULD THROW UP.

CHRIS: CHILL OUT YOU TWO… WE ARE GOING TO GIVE SOME TIPS TO OUR LISTENERS ON HOW TO SAVE MONEY…. WENDY YOU START IT OFF.

WENDY: OKAY…. NEVER BUY SANDWICH BAGS OR STORAGE BAGS… USE THE LINERS FROM CEREAL BOXES AND THOSE PLASTIC WRAPPERS NEWSPAPERS COME IN… THAT IS JUST GROSS CHRIS.

CHRIS: NEVER MIND… YOUR TURN KIM.

KIM: OKAY….. UM… WHEN YOU VISIT SOMEONE’S HOUSE… TAKE A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER… IT US USUALLY KEPT UNDER THE BATHROOM SINK. SO THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TOILET PAPER TURNER!

CHRIS: OH… SORRY KIM… AND BY THE WAY... YOU REALLY SHOULD BE TWO PLY…THAT WAY YOU CAN SEPARTE THE TWO SHEETS AND HAVE AN EXTRA ROLL OF TOILET PAPER. OKAY WENDY… YOU READ THE NEXT ONE.

WENDY: THAT IS… JUST DISTURBING… OKAY NEXT… DON’T THROW AWAY THE PLASTIC BACKING IN PKAGES OF SLICED BACON. WASH IT WELL, AND PLACE IT BETWEEN SERVINGS OF RAW MEAT BEFORE FREEZING... THIS SAVES ON PLASTIC WRAP AND IT’S REUSABLE.

CHRIS: SEE... WASN’T THAT HELPFUL?

WENDY: YES… ASSUMING… I CAN AFFORD MEAT!!

CHRIS: OKAY KIM… GO…

KIM: YOU STOLE MY TOILET PAPER….

CHRIS: YEAH, SORRY… NEXT….

KIM: TELL NEARLY EVERYONE THAT YOU ARE GOING OUT OF TOWN AT CHRISTMAS AND WILL NOT RETURN UNTIL AFTER NEW YEARS DAY… THEN BUY YOUR GIFTS DURING THE AFTER-CHRISTMAS SALES…

CHRIS: THAT’S AN EXCELLENT IDEA.

WENDY: BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU DO!!!

KIM: THAT EXPLAINS WHY I GOT 4 BOXES OF CHRISTMAS CARDS AND A TIN OF POPCORN FOR CHRISTMAS.

WENDY: I GOT THE TIN AND 5 ROLLS OF WRAPPING PAPER… WHAT DID YOU GET FRANK?

FRANK: BOWS… RIBBONS… AND FRUITCAKE… LOTS OF FRUITCAKE

CHRIS: YOU’RE ALL GOING TO THANK ME COME NEXT DECEMBER. IT’S YOUR TURN WENDY… READ THE NEXT ONE.

WENDY: IF YOU HAVE A STEAM ROOM IN YOUR GYM… TAKE POTATOES OR VEGGIES AND COOK THEM WHILE YOU’RE SITTING THERE. NOW CHRIS… THAT’S HORRIBLE.

CHRIS: IT IS NOT… YOU DIDN’T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE GREEN BEANS I BROUGHT TO OUR POT LUCK DINNER LAST WEEKEND.

WENDY: THAT’S WHAT THAT TASTE WAS….

CHRIS: WHAT TASTE?

WENDY: THOSE GREEN BEANS TASTED LIKE SWEAT!!!

CHRIS: KIM GO ON… YOUR TURN.

KIM: SWEAT BEANS… GREAT….. THE NEXT TIME YOU NEED TO BUY AN UMBRELLA… GO TO THE LOCAL LIBRARY… ASK FOR THEIR LOST AND FOUND DEPT. TELL THEM YOU LOST A BLACK UMBRELLA… EVERY LOST AND FOUND DEPT. HAS A BLACK UMBRELLA….. THAT EXPLAINS IT!!!

WENDY: EXPLAINS WHAT?

KIM: AT MY LITTLE BOY BO’S LAST BIRTHDAY PARTY… CHRIS GAVE HIM A BLACK UMBRELLA.

WENDY: AND I BET IT WAS WRAPPED IN CHRISTMAS PAPER.

FRANK: OH.. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY BO HAD A FRUITCAKE BIRTHDAY CAKE.

KIM: THAT’S THE LAST TIME I LET CHRIS BRING A BIRTHDAY CAKE.

CHRIS: HEY… THAT WAS A VERY NICE UMBRELLA… I LIKE BO… I DON’T WANT HIM TO CATCH COLD IN THE RAIN.

WENDY: HEY… CHRIS… REMINDER… WE LIVE IN THE HIGH DESERT.

CHRIS: WELL…. BO MIGHT GO ON A TRIP AND REALLY NEED THAT UMBRELLA… OKAY WENDY… YOU READ THE NEXT ONE.

WENDY: MARRY A RICH GUY OR RICH WOMAN. NOW CHRIS… THAT IS JUST AWFUL.

CHRIS: WHY…? IT’S JUST AS EASY TO MARRY A RICH PERSON AS WELL AS A POOR PERSON.

WENDY: BUT YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO… SO… TAUDRY.

CHRIS: BY THE WAY… AREN’T YOU DATING THE GUY WHO OWNS WILSON WYOMING?

WENDY: THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT… AND BESIDES… IT’S… WILSON. OWNING WILSON IS LIKE…. OWNING EMBLEM…

KIM: WATCH IT WENDY! I OWN 5 ACRES IN DOWNTOWN EMBLEM.

CHRIS: KIM… GO…

KIM: IGNORE EXPERATION DATES… CHRIS THAT’S AWFUL!

CHRIS: OH NO IT ISN’T MOST OF THOSE THINGS ARE JUST THE COMPANIES PLAYING IT SAFE…. TAKE CHEESE FOR EXAMPLE… CHEESE IS MOLDY MILK… SO IF YOUR CHEESE GETS MOLD ON IT… IT’S JUST... JUST...

WENDY: RAW PENICILLIN…

CHRIS: I WAS THINKING… MATURING IN TASTE… YOUR TURN WENDY…

WENDY: ATTENTION ALL LISTENERS… BOTH OF YOU… PLEASE DON’T DO THESE THINGS…OKAY… HERE’S THE NEXT ONE…YOU SHOULD SAVE BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE COUPONS…SO…IF YOU HAVE A HUNGRY CO-WORKER WHO CAN’T LEAVE THE OFFICE FOR LUNCH… OFFER TO GET THEM LUNCH… AND USE YOUR COUPON AND KEEP THE PERSON’S MONEY…CHRIS TURNER… THAT IS JUST TERRIBLE!!! WAIT… IS THAT WHY YOU ALWAYS GO TO BURGER KING FOR THE PEOPLE AT THE RADIO STATION.

CHRIS: YEP… I HAVEN’T HAD TO BUY A BURGER IN 3 YEARS!!!! KIM... YOU READ THE NEXT ONE.

KIM: IF YOU TRAVEL TO BILLINGS… INSTEAD OF EATING OUT… GO TO COSTCO AND SAMPLE THEIR FOOD… YOU CAN HAVE A WHOLE MEAL JUST DOING THAT.

PAUSE……….

CHRIS: SOOOOOOO YOU ALL ARE PRETTY QUITE…WHY IS THAT.

WENDY: WE …. DO THAT….EAT… AT COSTCO

KIM: SO DO WE….

FRANK: I HAD MY BIRTHDAY PARTY THERE LAST YEAR… I SAVED A FORTUNE ON CATERING.

CHRIS: OKAY WENDY… YOU READ THE VERY LAST ONE.

WENDY: OKAY….. I ALWAYS GET THE DIRTY WORK…. OKAY… AND THE FINAL WAY TO SAVE MONEY….

COME WATCH THE COMFORT FOOD RADIO SHOW AT THE IRMA… GET A FREE CUP OF COFFEE AND… HEAR CHRIS TURNER SAY….

CHRIS:

COMFORT FOOD IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE BIG HORN RADIO NETWORK ON KODI 1400 AM AND KZMQ 1140 AM FROM 9-10 AM SATURDAY MORNINGS …. LIVE FROM THE WORLD FAMOUS IRMA HOTEL WHERE HISTORY, GREAT FOOD, AND GREAT ROOMS COLLIDE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT! OH... AND DON’T FORGET TO GO TO OUR WEBSITE COMFORTFOODRADIO.COM AND SIGN UP FOR OUR PODCASTING DOWLOADS... IT’S FREE!!!! AND IF YOU WANT TO ADD ZIP TO YOUR COMMERCIAL ADDS… CONTACT ME CHRIS TURNER AT 587 9989… YOU HAVE THE PRODUCT … I HAVE THE VOICE TO SELL IT!


CHRIS: AND THOSE ARE YOUR MONEY SAVING TIPS…

KIM: AND DON’T FORGET… LOCK UP YOUR TOILET PAPER, ESPECIALLY WHEN TURNER IS VISITING!!!!





OLE’ #6

AS MANY OF YOU KNOW… WE LOST ONE OF THE GREAT ONES A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO…

OLE’ #6, THE BIG BULL ELK WHO HUNG AROUND MAMOUTH AND OCCASIONALLY ATTACKED CARS AROUND MAMOUTH HOT SPRINGS IN YELLOWSTONE DIED.

OLE#6 WAS AS MUCH A PART OF THE PARK AS… OLD FAITHFUL AND FISHING BRIDGE.

HIS LOSS HAS BEEN FELT BY MANY… SO TO HONOR THIS GREAT ANIMAL… WE HAVE ASKED YELLOWSTONE PARK SUPERINTENDANT LUZANNE SEWIS TO COME ON COMFORT FOOD AND SHARE HER THOUGHTS WITH US ON HIS PASSING… SUPERINTENDANT SEWIS…

WENDY: I TELL YOU… I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS SHOW… I DON’T LIKE THIS SHOW… IT’S STUPID… THE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY, AND THE HOST… HE’S AN IDIOT… I’VE SEEN BEETLE KILL TREES WITH MORE INTELLIGENCE THAN TURNER.

CHRIS: UM… SUPERINTENDANT SEWIS…YOU’RE ON THE AIR.

WENDY: I KNOW I AM. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… IT IS WITH GREAT SADNESS THAT WE ALL SAY GOODBYE TO OLE #6. HE WAS AS MUCH A PART OF YELLOWSTONE AS….AS… I AM. EXCEPT HE WAS LIKED.

OLE #6 LEAVES BEHIND QUITE A LEGACY… LET’S TAKE A MOMENT AND LOOK AT THE NUMBERS….

3: THE NUMBER OF PARK SUPERINTENDANTS IN HIS LIFE TIME.

3: THE NUMBER OF PARK SUPERINTENDANTS WHO WANTED HIS HEAD MOUNTED ON THEIR WALL.

12: THE NUMBER OF POINTS ON HIS ANTLERS

14: THE NUMBER OF CARS HE ATTACKED WITH HIS ANTLERS

16: THE NUMBER OF LAWSUITES FILED OVER HIS ATTACKS WITH HIS ANTLERS

27: THE NUMBER OF WIVES HE HAD

94: THE NUMBER OF CHILDREN HE HAD

104: THE NUMBER OF TIMES I TRIED TO GET RID OF HIM WITH AN “ACCIDENT”

$272,612: THE AMOUNT OF MONEY WE HAD TO PAY OUT FOR HIS ATTACKS ON CARS

4: THE NUMBER OF BONUS’ I WAS DENIED BECAUSE OF THE LAWSUIT PAYOUTS

IN CLOSING… I WOULD SIMPLY SAY… GOODBYE OLE #6…YOU WILL BE MISSED… YOU WERE A PART OF YELLOWSTONE… YOU WERE A KING IN YOUR WORLD, YOU WERE NOBLE AND…YOU WERE DELICIOUS!!!

THANK YOU…

CHRIS: THAT WAS YELLOWSTONE SUPERINTENDANT LEWZANE SEWIS


HOW WE WOULD HANDLE IT IN WYOMING—CHIHUAHUAS

COMFORT FOOD NOW PROUDLY BRINGS YOU….

SOUND EFFECT!

HOW WE WOULD HANDLE IT IN WYOMING!

NOW, WITH THIS FEATURE… WE READ A REAL NEWS STORY FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD AND THEN TELL YOU HOW WE WOULD HANDLE IT IN WYOMING.

IN FREEMONT CALIFORNIA A PACK OF ANGRY CHIHUAHUAS ATTACKED A POLICE OFFICER WHO WAS ESCORTING A TEENAGER HOME FROM A TRAFIC STOP. THE 5 CHIHUAHUAS BOLTED OUT OF THE 17 YEAR OLD BOY’S HOME AND RUSHED THE OFFICER IN THE DOORWAY. THE OFFICER WAS TREATED AT A LOCAL HOSPITAL AND RELEASED 2 HOURS LATER.

HERE IS HOW WE WOULD HANDLE IT IN WYOMING….

THE OFFICER WOULD HAVE TO APPLY FOR A CHIHUAHUA TAG… AND THEN 8 MONTHS LATER HE WOULD HAVE RECEIVED WORD THAT HE HAD GOTTEN THE TAG… NOT IN THE ZONE HE ORIGINALLY WANTED THOUGH….

THEN HE WOULD HAVE GONE TO THE LOCAL GAME AND FISH OFFICE TO PAY FOR THE TAG. HE WOULD WANT TO PAY WITH A CREDIT CARD BUT THEY ONLY ACCEPT CASH… SO THE OFFICER WOULD HAVE TO DRIVE OVER TO AN INSTANT TELLER… AND THE FIRST THREE WOULD BE OUT OF ORDER… BUT FINALLY HE WOULD FIND ONE WORKING AND GET THE CASH.

THEN HE WOULD HAVE PUT IN TO HAVE A SPECIFIC WEEKEND OFF AND THAT WOULD TAKE AT LEAST A MONTH TO FIRM UP.

THEN HE WOULD HAVE TO CALL 4 BUDDIES TO GO ALONG WITH HIM, THEY HAVE TO PUT IN TO GET THEIR TIME OFF…

THE GUNS WOULD HAVE TO BE PERPPED AND CLEANED… THEY HAVE TO USE GUNS BECAUSE THE GOVT. HAS RECENTLY OUTLAWED BOW HUNTING FOR CHIHUAHUA’S

AND FINALLY… FINALLY… WHEN HE COULD LEAGALLY SHOOT THE CHIHUAHUA… IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DESIGNATED AND ENDANGERED SPECIES!!!

AND THAT’S HOW WE WOULD HAVE HANDLED IT IN WYOMING!!!


KATIA PINSK FROM MINSK

IT’S BEEN 17 YEARS SINCE THE SOVIET UNION COLLAPSED AND ENTERED AN ERA OF DEMOCRACY.

AND IN THOSE 17 YEARS… QUITE A FEW FORMER SOVIETS IMMIGRATED TO THE UNITED STATES… AND SURPRISINLY ENOUGH WYOMING.

I AM VERY HAPPY TO INTRODUCE TO YOU ONE OF THOSE IMMIGRANTS. SHE HAS BEEN IN THIS COUNTRY QUITE A FEW YEARS AND IT IS A REAL PLEASURE TO HAVE HER ON THE SHOW…

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… IT IS MY PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO KATIA PINSK.

MUSIC…

CHRIS: WELCOME TO COMFORT FOOD KATIA…

JAN: IT’S NICE TO BE HERE CAPITALIST YANKEE DOG.

CHRIS: EXCUSE ME.

JAN: OH… SORRY… FLASHBACK… IT IS VERY NICE TO BE HERE MR. TURNER.

CHRIS: KATIA… HOW DIFFERENT IS THE UNITED STATES FROM THE FORMER SOVIET UNION.

JAN: I CAN SUM IT ALL UP IN ONE WORD. TOILET PAPER.

CHRIS: UM… KATIA… THAT IS TWO WORDS.

JAN: WHAT ARE YOU…? SECRET TOILET PAPER WORD POLICE!!!! ARE YOU GOING TO DRAG ME OUT OF MY HOME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND SEND ME TO THE GULAG!!! I HAVE FRIENDS IN THE POLITBUREAU!!!

CHRIS: NO KATIA… NO… I WAS JUST SAYING ITS TWO WORDS.

JAN: AND FOR SIMPLE MISTAKE ENGLISH YOU SEND ME TO GULAG!!! I TELL YOU WHAT… I KNOW SOME PEOPLE WHO HOLD SECRET RELIGIOUS SERVICES… I CAN TELL YOU WHERE THEY MEET IF YOU DON’T SEND ME AWAY.

CHRIS: KATIA... NO ONE IS SENDING YOU AWAY… AND WHAT IS THIS SECRET RELIGIOUS GROUP?

JAN: I NOT… GOING AWAY…?

CHRIS: I ASSURE YOU KATIA… YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE.

JAN: SO YOU KEEP ME HERE AGAINST MY WILL!!!! IN HELL, SORRY FAMILY SHOW, HECK HOLE I AM LIVING IN!!!

CHRIS: NO...NO… YOU CAN DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT… BUT... WHO IS THIS SECRET RELIGIOUS GROUP YOU WERE SPEAKING OF?

JAN: I KNOW GO GULAG?

CHRIS: NO.

JAN: I NO STAY IN HECK HOLE?

CHRIS: NO

JAN: THEN I INFORM ON YOU…. THEY ARE… CALLED… METHODISTS! THEY MEET OVER ON.. BECKY…BECKY… BECKY AVE.

CHRIS: KATIA… EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. THE METHODIST CHURCH HAS BEEN THERE FOR YEARS AND YEARS… THE MINISTER PASTOR PETE MEESE HAS EVEN BEEN ON MY SHOW SEVERAL TIMES WE’RE GOOD FRIENDS.

JAN: YOU MAKE YOUR FRIEND PETE PASTOR MEESE… COME ON THIS SHOW.

CHRIS: YES.

JAN: I THOUGHT SOVIETS WERE CRUEL… BUT YOU EVEN WORSE… TO MAKE FRIEND COME ON THIS SHOW. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THIS SHOW AGAIN?

CHRIS: COMFORT FOOD.

JAN: MORE LIKE UNCOMFORTABLE FOOD IN GULAG!!!

CHRIS: KATIA… HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN AMERICA?

JAN: I COME HERE IN 199000000000000 2005!

CHRIS: AND YOU LIVE HERE IN CODY.

JAN: LIVING IN BUFFALO BORIS TOWN… YES.

CHRIS: BUFFAOLO… BORIS?

JAN: YES… HE GREAT RUSSIAN HUNTER… COME TO AMERICA AND SHOOT BUFFALO… MAKES GREAT NAME FOR HIM AND MOTHER RUSSIA THEN HIM SENT TO AMERICAN GULAG.

CHRIS: NO…NO… KATIA… HIS NAME WAS NOT BUFFALO BORIS… IT WAS BUFFALO BILL CODY… AND HE WAS FROM AMERICA AND HE HELPED FOUND THIS TOWN… CODY.

JAN: HE FOUND TOWN?

CHRIS: YES HE FOUNDED THIS TOWN.

JAN: WERE PEOPLE BEFORE HIM LOOKING IN WRONG PLACE AND NOT FIND TOWN?

CHRIS: UM… YEAH….SURE.. THAT WORKS. WHERE DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS… BUFFALO BORIS?

JAN: IN BEST SOVIET SCHOOL IN MINSK!!! DR. ZHIVAGO HIGH!

CHRIS: I AM AFRAID THEY WERE WRONG…. THEY LIED TO YOU.

JAN: THE SOVIETS LIED TO ME!!! LIED… TO ME!!!

CHRIS: YEAH… IMAGINE THAT… SHOCKING.

JAN: THIS BIG BLOW… I MUST SIT DOWN… OR STAND UP.

CHRIS: EXCUSE ME BUT… KATIA… YOU ARE FROM MINSK?

JAN: YES.

CHRIS: THAT MEANS YOU ARE…

JAN: KATIA PINSK FROM MINSK.

CHRIS: NOW KATIA… WHAT DO YOU DO IN CODY?

JAN: I BREATH.

CHRIS: NO… I MEAN WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

JAN: I BREATH! I DON’T BREATH… I DON’T LIVE!

CHRIS: WHAT WORK DO YOU DO HERE?

JAN: OOOOHHHHH I WORK FOR THE BIGGEST CAPITALIST DOG IN ALL OF WYOMING.

CHRIS: YOU DO!! WOW… AND WHO MIGHT THAT BE.

JAN: OH… HE VERY IMPORTANT MAN IN CODY…IN WYOMING.

CHRIS: WHAT IS HIS NAME?

JAN: WE CALL HIM… YEP-VIN NOOK.

CHRIS: WHAT DOES… YEP-VIN NOOK MEAN?

JAN: THE BLACK VEST!

CHRIS: YOU WORK FOR THE BLACK VEST… BLACK VEST… BLACK VEST... YOU WORK FOR JOHN DARBY!

JAN: YES!!! CZAR DARBY!!! I WORK FOR HIM.

CHRIS: DO YOU LIKE WORKING FOR YEP-VIN NOOK?

JAN: HE VERY NICE… HE TREATS ME GOOD.

CHRIS: WELL… THAT’S GOOD.

JAN: BUT... THERE ONE PERSON WHO I WORK FOR WHO TREATS ME BAD.

CHRIS: AND WHO IS HE?

JAN: HE NOT HE… SHE IS HE.

CHRIS: OH… A WOMAN… HMMM IS IT TRACY?

JAN: NYET

CHRIS: IS IT ANNA?

JAN: NYET.

CHRIS: IS IT… HELEN?

JAN: NYET!

CHRIS: WHAT IS THE NAME OF THIS MEAN BOSS….

JAN: I CALL HER… BBB

CHRIS: BBB?

JAN: BLONDE WITH THE BIG BORSHT BOWLS…

CHRIS: KIM!!!

JAN: THAT IS WHAT I CALL HER.

CHRIS: KIM IS MEAN TO YOU!

JAN: SHE MAKE STALIN LOOK LIKE HUGGY BEAR…. STUFFED ONE… NOT BLACK PERSON ON STARSKEY AND HUTCH.

CHRIS: KIM… KIM IS A SWEETHEART!

JAN: SHE MAKE LENIN LOOK LIKE STEVE MARTIN… AND THAT HARD…COMRADE LENIN HAD SENSE OF HUMOR LIKE BOX OF HAIR.

CHRIS: WHAT DOES KIM DO THAT MAKES HER SO MEAN.

JAN: SHE MAKE ME MAKE BEDS!!! CLEAN TOILETS!!! PUT LITTLE SHAMPOO BOTTLES IN TUB AREA… AND… BY THE WAY… DON’T DRINK THOSE THINGS… THEY ARE TERRIBLE.

CHRIS: KIM?

KIM: SHE’S A HOUSEKEEPER! THAT IS WHAT SHE’S PAID TO DO.

CHRIS: KATIA… SHE IS JUST ASKING YOU TO DO YOUR JOB.

JAN: IN FORMER UNITED SOCIALIST SOVIET REPUBLIC… I WAS A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON. I WAS WITH KGB.. AND NOW THIS BBB…

CHRIS: BLONDE WITH BIG BORSHT BOWLS.

JAN: YOU GOT IT… SHE MAKE ME PESANT!!!

KIM: CHRIS, I SWEAR… I AM NOT MEAN TO HER.

CHRIS: KATIA… WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE FORMER SOVIET UNION FOR THE KGB.

JAN: I WORK IN BIG AMERICAN STYLE HOTELS… I WAS SPY.

CHRIS: AND WHAT DID YOU DO AS SPY.

JAN: I POSE AS MAID AND CLEANED THEIR ROOMS.

CHRIS: I SEE… WELL KATIA… IT WAS A PLEASURE HAVING YOU ON THE SHOW.

JAN: THE PLEASURE WAS ALL MIMED.

CHRIS: YOU MEAN ALL MINE.

JAN: YES IT WAS.

CHRIS: THANK YOU KATIA.

WYOMING’S OFFICIAL… THINGS

WYOMING SONG

THE RECENT LEGISLATIVE SESSION DELT WITH SEVERAL MAJOR ISSUES, SCHOOL FUNDING, LOWERING PROPERTY TAXES, THE WOLF QUESTION, THE BEAR QUESTION AND THE QUESTION OF WHO WAS GOING TO PAY THE TAB AT THE HITCHING POST BAR.

ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES THE LEGISLATORS DEAL WITH IS DESIGNATING THE STATE’S OFFICIAL…. SYMBOLS.

WHAT I MEAN BY THIS IS THEY, THE LEGISLATURE, DECIDES WHAT OUR SYMBOLS ARE… SUCH AS OUR STATE FLOWER. THAT OF COURSE IS THE INDIAN PAINT BRUSH…

HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF WYOMING’S CURRENT STATE SYMBOLS.

THE OFFICIAL DINOSAUR IS THE TRICERATOPS…

ISN’T THAT COOL… THEY DESIGNATED THE TRICERATOPS, A CREATURE WHO HAS BEEN EXTINCT FOR 68 MILLION YEARS AS A REPRESENTATIVE OF OUR STATE.

THAT’S LIKE SAYING… THE MAIN STATE POLITICAL PARTY FOR WYOMING ARE THE WHIGS… OR THE DEMOCRATS…

RODEO WAS DESIGNATED OUR STATE SPORT… AND THAT WORKS BECAUSE OUR NEW STATE MOTTO… THE ONE THAT’S REPLACE OUR OLD ONE…WHICH WAS EQUAL RIGHTS… OUR NEW STATE MOTTO IS…. “YEAH… I’VE HAD 8 BEERS… I CAN RIDE THAT BULL”

THE WYOMING STATE REPTILE IS THE HORNED TOAD… OR HORNY TOAD. YOU DON’T REALLY SEE A LOT OF THOSE UNTIL YOUR DAUGHTER TURNS DATING AGE… THEN… THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.

THE STATE TREE IS OF COURSE THE COTTONWOOD… AND THAT WORKS WELL BECAUSE ALL 7 OF OUR STATE’S TREES ARE COTTONWOODS.

NOW THIS ONE IS KIND OF TRICKY…OUR STATE BIRD IS THE WESTERN MEADOWLARK… NOT THE COMMON LOON… WHICH… WYOMING HAS A LOT OF… ESPECIALLY IN THE JACKSON AREA.

2 YEARS AGO… THE LEGISLATURE DESIGNATED WESTERN WHEATGRASS AS OUR STATE’S OFFICIAL… GRASS. THAT WAS A BIG SURPRISE TO MANY UNIV. OF WYOMING STUDENTS… THEY THOUGHT THE OFFICIAL STATE GRASS WAS…WELL… GRASS.

DURING THIS LATEST LEGISLATIVE SESSION….THE LEGISLATURE ADDED SEVERAL MORE… OFFICIAL SYMBOLS TO OUR STATE ROSTER…

THE OFFICIAL STATE INSECT IS… THE BAR FLY….

THE OFFICIAL STATE ETHNIC FOOD WAS CUBAN… NOW IT’S LUMMIS HUMMIS.

THE OFFICIAL SONG WAS ENTITLED “WYOMING” BUT NOBODY KNEW THE TUNE OR THE WORDS TO IT… SO THE NEW STATE SONG IS… “SAVE A HORSE… RIDE A COWBOY.” YEAH…. WE’RE GONNA GET LETTERS….

THE NEW OFFICIAL STATE ROCK SONG IS…. “WYOMING… WE’VE GOT ROCKS… LOTS OF ROCKS… DO YOU WANT TO BUY OUR ROCKS?” I DON’T THINK THE LEGISLATORS QUITE GOT THE CONCEPT OF A STATE ROCK SONG.

THEY WERE TRYING TO AGREE ON A STATE DRINK… BUT THAT TURNED PRETTY CONTENTIOUS SO THEY PASSED A BILL THAT SAID… “ANY BEVERAGE OVER 50 PROOF COMBINED WITH RED BULL” IS THE OFFICIAL STATE DRINK OF WYOMING.

THIS IS KIND OF FUNNY… THE OFFICIAL PICNIC LUNCH OF WYOMING IS ALSO… “ANY BEVERAGE OVER 50 PROOF COMBINED WITH RED BULL” THAT WAS SPONSORED BY THE STATE SENATOR FROM ROCK SPRINGS.

AND FINALLY…..

NOW THIS ONE… THIS ONE WAS VERY CONTROVERSIAL… THE DESIGNATION OF WYOMING’S OFFICIAL FAST FOOD. MACDONALDS, BURGER KING, WENDY’S, QUIZNOS, KFC, TACO BELL… ALL LOBBYED VERY HARD FOR THIS HONOR… BUT THE WINNER… FOR THE STATE’S OFFICIAL FAST FOOD IS………..ROAD KILL!!!!

ACTUALLY… I WOULD CALL THAT THE STATE’S NOT SO FAST FOOD….

AND THOSE ARE WYOMING’S NEW OFFICIAL… SYMBOLS





BAD TRANSLATION

CHRIS: WHEN SIGNS IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY ARE TRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH, ANY COMBINATION OF WORDS IS POSSIBLE… HERE ARE A FEW EXAMPLES I’D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU.

HERE IS ONE EXAMPLE…
AT A BUDAPEST ZOO:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

HEY… IN THESE ECONOMIC TIMES… THAT’S A CHOICE JOB TO HAVE!

WENDY: AT A BUDAPEST HOTEL:

ALL ROOMS NOT DENOUNCED BY 12:00PM WILL BE PAID FOR TWICELY.

KIM: IN A JAPANESE HOTEL…

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID…

HMMM KATIA MUST HAVE WORKED THERE.

CHRIS: IN A BANGKOCK DRY CLEANERS…

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR BEST RESULTS.

KIM: KATIA MUST HAVE WORKED THERE TOO…

CHRIS: KIM!!! GO ON WENDY…

WENDY: THIS WAS IN HOTEL RESTRAUNT MENU IN POLAND…

SALAD, A FIRM’S OWN MAKE, LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER, ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE, BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN A COUNTRY PEOPLE’S FASHION.

KIM: THIS WAS IN AN ACAPULCO HOTEL ROOM…

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

CHRIS: KIM… I WOULD GO WITH THE BOTTLED WATER IF YOU EVER VISIT THERE….

THIS WAS IN A HONG KONG SUPERMARKET:

FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF SERVICE.

WENDY: IN A TAILOR SHOPE ON THE ISLAND OF RHODES:

ORDER YOUR SUMMER SUIT. BECAUSE OF THE BIT RUSH WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ORDER.

KIM: ON THE DOOR OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM…

IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR… YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

WENDY: AT A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

UNLESS YOU NAME THEM… SHIRLEY TEMPLE OR ROY ROGERS

KIM: A LAUNDRY IN ROME:

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

CHRIS: ON A VIENNESE RESTRAUNT MENU:

FRIED MILK, CHILDREN SANDWICHES, ROAST CATTLE AND BOILED SHEEP.

THEY HAVE THAT HERE AT THE IRMA… ON THE BUFFET… DELICIOUS!

WENDY: IN A SWISS MOUNTAIN INN:

SPECIAL TODAY: NO ICE CREAM!

TOMORROWS SPECIAL… NO FOOD

KIM: IN A TOKYO HOTEL:

IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE, IFYOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH THING… IS PLEASE NOT TO READ THIS NOTICE.

THIS SOUNDS LIKE YOU WROTE IT CHRIS... NOTICE IS SPELLED N-O-T-I-S.

CHRIS: THANKS KIM, A DOCTOR’S OFFICE IN ROME:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

I’M NOT COMMENTING... I WANT TO STAY MARRIED.

WENDY: IN A VIENA HOTEL:

IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER!

KIM: THIS ONE WAS IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR…

PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

CHRIS: AT A HONG KONG DENTIST:

TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS!

I HAD NO IDEA PASTOR PETE MEESE WAS TRAINED IN THAT…

WENDY: IN A TOKYO SHOP….

OUR NYLONS COST MORE THAN COMMON, BUT YOU’LL FIND THEY ARE BEST IN THE LONG RUN.

KIM: IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL…

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID… HMMM I THINK I AM GOING TO HAVE KATIA START DOING THAT!

CHRIS: AND FINALLY…AT A SWEEDISH FURRIER WHO MUST BE A MEMBER OF PETE…

FUR COATS MAD FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.