OPENING MONOLOGUE #173

WELCOME BACK TO COMFORT FOOD… THE SHOW THAT HAS CAUSED MORE PEOPLE TO SPIT OUT THEIR MORNING COFFEE THAN ANY OTHER SHOW IN WYOMING HISTORY.

CHRIS: WELL TODAY IS VALENTINE’S DAY. I HOPE EVERYONG OUT THERE IS… FEELING THE LOVE… I KNOW I AM FEELING THE LOVE… WENDY… ARE YOU FEELING THE LOVE?

WENDY: YES I AM… I AM FEELING THE LOVE.

CHRIS: KIM… ARE YOU FEELING THE LOVE?

KIM: I AM SO SO,SO FEELING THE LOVE!

CHRIS: WHAT ABOUT YOU FRANK…. ARE YOU FEELING THE LOVE?

FRANK: LOVE SUCKS!

CHRIS: WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

FRANK: BECAUSE EVERY YEAR… I SEND OUT 3 DOZEN VALENTINES AND I ONLY GET 2 BACK.

CHRIS: WELL… YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR THE TWO YOU GET BACK.

FRANK: OH... YEAH… SURE… ONE IS FROM MY MOM REMINDING ME TO SEND MY SISTER A VALENTINE.

CHRIS: AND THE OTHER…?

FRANK: IT’S FROM MY SISTER SAYING… “STOP SENDING ME VALENTINES… YOU’RE CREEPING ME OUT!!!!”

WENDY: WELL FRANK… WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE DON’T ANSWER YOUR VALENTINES?

FRANK: I DON’T KNOW… I MAKE THEM VERY PERSONAL.

WENDY: HOW PERSONAL?

FRANK: REALLY… REALLY PERSONAL.

WENDY: HOW… PERSONAL… PERSONAL?

FRANK: WELL… LET’S SAY… WHEN YOU GET AN MRI…

WENDY: HOLD ON… IS THIS GOING TO CREEP ME OUT…? LIKE IT DOES YOUR SISTER?

FRANK: IT MIGHT….

WENDY: FORGET IT.

CHRIS: FRANK… DO WHAT I DO… BUY A SINGLE VALENTINE… AND

WENDY: AND COPY IT ON THE RADIO STATION’S COLOR PRINTER AND THEN HAND IT OUT… NO FRANK… JUST GO TO THE HALLMARK STORE… GET SOME NICE VALENTINES WITH A NICE MESSAGE AND SEND IT TO EVERYONE.

KIM: DO WHAT I DO FRANK?

FRANK: WHAT… DO YOU DO KIM?

KIM: I SEAL EVERY ONE OF MY VALENTINES… WITH A BIG FAT RED… LIPSTICK KISS.

WENDY: OKAY...THANKS KIM… NOW I HAVE THIS IMAGE OF FRANK WITH LIPSTICK… KISSING MAIL… UUUHHHHHHHGGGG!!

CHRIS: I’M WITH WENDY ON THAT…. FRANK…MAYBE YOU SHOULD SEND… A SINGING VALENTINE TO PEOPLE…

FRANK: A SINGING VALENTINE?

CHRIS: YEAH… IN FACT… I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE…. HIT THE MUSIC FRANK


MUSIC—THE SHOOP SHOOP SONG

THE COMFORT FOOD SINGING VALENTINES ARE HERE!!!!!

YES… IF YOU WANT TO SEND A MESSAGE OF LOVE AND ADORATION… ORDER A COMFORT FOOD SINGING VALENTINE…

WE HAVE A WIDE VARIETY OF SELECTIONS….

LET’S SAY YOU REALLY… REALLY LOVE SOMEONE… WHY NOT SEND THEM… THIS…

WENDY SINGS….

“I LOVE YOU… I REALLY LOVE YOU…..”

OR IF YOU JUST REALLY LIKE THEM… HOW ABOUT…

WENDY SINGS….

“I LIKE YOU… I REALLY LIKE YOU…”

OR IF YOU JUST STARTED DATING… YOU CAN GIVE THEM…

WENDY SINGS….

“I REALLY LIKE DATING YOU….”

AND IF YOU REALLY HATE THEM WHY NOT SEND THEM….

WENDY SINGS….

“I DON’T LIKE YOU….. STOP STALKING ME… I’LL CALL THE POLICE ON YOU…STOP GOING THROUGH MY GARBAGE”

CHRIS: AND WHAT IS THE COST YOU ASK?

FRANK: WHAT IS THE COST?

CHRIS: GLAD YOU ASKED…. THE COST IS ONLY….$7,000

FRANK: $7,000!!!! WHY SO MUCH?

CHRIS: BECAUSE WE HAVE THE OSMONDS SINGING THEM.

WENDY: CHRIS… I MENT TO ASK… HOW DID YOU GET THE OSMONDS TO DO SINGING VALENTINES FOR YOU?

CHRIS: HEY… WENDY… EVERYONE IS LOOKING FOR EXTRA WORK THESE DAYS.

FRANK: I… I MIGHT DO IT… IT WOULD GO OVER BETTER THAN SENDING PICTURES OF MY…

WENDY: NANANANANANANNAAA I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU… I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU……

CHRIS: FRANK… WHATEVER YOU SEND… IT HAS TO BE FROM THE HEART… OR SOME OTHER MAJOR ORGAN… KIM… WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO GET FOR VALENTINE’S DAY… A CARD, CANDY… PERHAPS JEWELRY.

KIM: REAL ESTATE.

CHRIS: REAL ESTATE?

KIM: YEP... AND IT PAYS OFF… I HAVE 4 ACRES IN DOWN TOWN PHEONIX.

CHRIS: REALLY…

KIM: AND HALF OF EMBLEM… SO… WATCH IT ON THE EMBLEM JOKES!

WENDY: CHRIS… AND I AM ALMOST AFRAID TO ASK THIS… WHAT ARE YOU GETTING RENE FOR VALENTINE’S DAY?

CHRIS: I AM GETTING HER SOMETHING SHE REALLY, REALLY WANTS…

WENDY: A BIG GIANT BOX OF CHOCOLATES?

KIM: DIAMODNS?

FRANK: A DIVORCE?

CHRIS: NO… NO… AND… ESPECIALLY NO. I AM GETTING HER A GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR A GREAT MASSAGE!

WENDY: YOU KNOW CHRIS… I WAS WONDERING… WHERE DOES A MASSAGE THERAPIST GO FOR… A MASSAGE.

CHRIS: WELL THE SMART ONE’S GO TO HOLISTIC WYOMING AT 1520 BECK AVE. AND GET ONE FROM RENE… THEY JUST CALL HER AT 587 5543 FOR AN APPOINTMENT OR GIFT CERTIFICATE.

WENDY: THAT WAS A SHAMELESS PLUG.

CHRIS: IT’S ALSO PART OF HER VALENTINE’S DAY GIFT.

WENDY: NO… BUT SERIOUSLY… IF RENE IS A MASSAGE THERAPIST AND SHE WANTS A MASSAGE… WHO DOES SHE GET A MASSAGE FROM?

CHRIS: SHE GETS IT FROM…. HERSELF.

WENDY: BUT… ISN’T THAT ALMOST PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE… SHE MUST HAVE TO TWIST AND TURN AND… WELL TURN INTO A PRETZEL.

CHRIS: THAT’S WHY I’M ALSO GOING TO GIVE HER A GIFT CERTIFICATE TO A CHIROPRACTOR!

WENDY: ARE YOU GOING TO WRITE A SPECIAL CARD TO GO ALONG WITH HER GIFT CERTIFICATE?

CHRIS: YES… I AM AND THE CARD WILL HAVE HER FAVORITE WORDS IN IT.

WENDY: I LOVE YOU?

CHRIS: THANKS WENDY… BUT NO… I’M MARRIED.

WENDY: NO!!! I MEAN WILL THE CARD READ… I LOVE YOU.

CHRIS: BETTER THAN THAT!!!!

WENDY: WHAT’S BETTER THAN THAT?

CHRIS: IT WILL READ…………..


COMFORT FOOD IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE BIG HORN RADIO NETWORK ON KODI 1400 AM AND KZMQ 1140 AM FROM 9-10 AM SATURDAY MORNINGS …. LIVE FROM THE WORLD FAMOUS IRMA HOTEL WHERE HISTORY, GREAT FOOD, AND GREAT ROOMS COLLIDE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT! OH... AND DON’T FORGET TO GO TO OUR WEBSITE COMFORTFOODRADIO.COM AND SIGN UP FOR OUR PODCASTING DOWLOADS... IT’S FREE!!!! AND IF YOU WANT TO ADD ZIP TO YOUR COMMERCIAL ADDS… CONTACT ME CHRIS TURNER AT 587 9989… YOU HAVE THE PRODUCT … I HAVE THE VOICE TO SELL IT!

WENDY: YOU ARE JUST SHAMELESS EVEN ON VALENTINE’S DAY..

CHRIS: THANK YOU!



LOVE POEMS…

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL THIS WEEK FROM MY FRIEND ANDY MEADOR IN CATOOSA OKLAHOMA. ANDY AND I GREW UP TOGETHER… WE’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 37 YEARS….

YEAH… YOU SHOULD FEEL SORRY FOR HIM.

ANDY’S EMAIL… WAS SO FUNNY, I THOUGHT WE HERE ON COMFORT FOOD SHOULD SHARE IT WITH YOU.

IT SEEMS SOME YEARS AGO... THE WASHINGTON POST NEWS PAPER RAN A VALENTINE’S POEM CONTEST…

THE POEMS COULD ONLY BE TWO LINES…

THE FIRST LINE… THE MOST ROMANTIC THE WRITER COULD THINK OF.
THE SECOND LINE… THE LEAST ROMANTIC THE WRITER COULD THINK OF.

HERE IS AN EXAMPLE…

I SEE YOUR FACE WHEN I AM DREAMING
THAT’S WHY I ALWAYS WAKE UP SCREAMING.

OKAY… HERE ARE SOME OF THE POEMS ENTERED IN THE CONTEST
OKAY WENDY YOU GO FIRST.

WENDY:

KIND, INTELLIGENT, LOVING AND HOT,
THIS DESCRIBES EVERYTHING YOU ARE NOT.

KIM:

I THOUGHT I COULD LOVE NO OTHER
--THAT IS UNTIL I MET YOUR BROTHER.

FRANK:

MY DARLING, MY LOVER MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE,
MARRYING YOU HAS SCREWED UP MY LIFE!

CHRIS:

ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE, SUGAR IS SWEET AND SO ARE YOU.
BUT THE ROSES ARE WILTING, THE VIOLETS ARE DEAD, THE SUGAR BOWL’S EMPTY… AND SO IS YOUR HEAD.
WENDY:

I WANT TO FEEL YOUR SWEET EMBRACE,
BUT DON’T TAKE THAT BAG OFF OF YOUR FACE.

KIM:

I LOVE YOUR SMILE, YOUR FACE, AND YOUR EYES
DAMN, I’M GOOD AT TELLING LIES!!

FRANK:

MY LOVE, YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY.
WHAT HAVE YOU STEPPED IN TO SMELL THAT WAY?

CHRIS: AND NOW… THE LAST ONE….

WHAT INSPIRED THIS AMOROUS RHYME?
TWO PARTS VODKA… ONE PART LIME.

THE HAPPY FAMILY BAKERY.

THE NEXT PORTION OF COMFORT FOOD IS BROUGHT TO YOU BYE THE HAPPY FAMILY BAKERY… WHERE IF IT’S A HAPPY FAMILY… DOING THE BAKING THEN ITS LOVE IN THE MAKINGS…

THIS SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT BY THE STAFF OF THE HAPPY FAMILY BAKERY… THEY ARE VERY APPRECIATIVE OF ALL THE CARDS AND LETTERS RECEIVED BY THEIR COUSTOMERS… AND THEY SAY… YES.. IT IS SAD AND VERY STRANGE THAT MRS HAPPY SHOT MR HAPPY WHILE HE WAS … CANOODLING WITH MRS HAPPYS BEST FRIEND… MRS CHEAP FLOOZIE. THEY ARE EXPECTED TO RE-OPEN NEXT WEEK… AND MR. HAPPY IS EXPECTED TO BE ON THE MEND… BUT… BECAUSE OF THE WOUND… HE PROBABLY WON’T BE VERY HAPPY… EVER AGAIN…..

THANK YOU

ELVIS VALENTINE’S DAY

WELL FOLKS… IT BEEING VALENTINE’S DAY… I THOUGHT I SHOULD INVITE THE SINGER WHO HAS INSPIRED MORE SWOONING AND THROWING OF UNDERWEAR THAN ANYONE ELSE ON EARTH…

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… THE KING OF ROCK AND ROLL…

ELVIS!!!!!

MUSIC!!!!

WENDY: THANK YOU… THANK YOU VERY MUCH…. THANK YOU.. THANK YOU… FRANK… STOP THROWING YOUR UNDERWEAR AT ME… AND… BY THE WAY… BOY…… YOU NEED TO BATHE……BADLY. HUUUH!!!!! ELVIS MAY HURL.

CHRIS: OH… PLEASE DON’T DO THAT….WELCOME BACK ELVIS…

WENDY: THANK YOU CHRIS… IT’S NICE TO BE BACK ON ….ON… WHATEVER THIS IS.

CHRIS: ELVIS... FOR THOSE LISTENERS WHO’VE NEVER HEARD YOU ON THIS SHOW… COULD YOU RECAP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AS A WOMAN IN WYOMING?

WENDY: CERTAINLY MY LITTLE TEDDY BEAR…. READERS DIGEST VERSION…. HAD SOME HEART BURN… TOOK THE WRONG PILL… WOKE UP IN EMBLEM WYOMING WEARING A BRA INSTEAD OF A JUMP SUIT… WITH SEQUINS IN MY HAIR RATHER THAN ON MY CLOTHES…AND I HAVE… THESE THINGS…..THESE BIG ATTATCHED TO ME NOW…

CHRIS: YOU MEAN…

WENDY: YEP… ELVIS WEARS FALSE EYELASHES… HUHHHHH!!!

CHRIS: AND FOR WORK YOU ARE CURRENTLY…

WENDY: WORKING AS A FLAGGER FOR A ROAD CONSTRUCTION CREW…

CHRIS: IN OTHER WORDS…

WENDY: I’M THE REASON FOR THE SORRY STATE OF ROADS IN THE STATE OF WYOMING.

CHRIS: ELVIS… DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING PLANNED FOR VALENTINE’S DAY?

WENDY: WELL… I WAS THINKING OF GOING OVER TO WHISKEY RIVER AND SINGING SOME KAREOKE WITH FRANK.

CHRIS: REALLY…. DO YOU DO THAT A LOT?

WENDY: OH YEAH… YEAH…. I LOVE THE TIME I SPEND WITH FRANK… HE’S A HOUND DOG BUT… I LOVE HIM TENDER.

CHRIS: OKAY… NOW I AM GOING TO HURL… NO.. I WAS TALKING ABOUT KAREOKE… DO YOU GO TO BARS AND SING KAREOKE VERY MUCH?

WENDY: OCCASIONALLY… I LIKE TO KEEP VOICE LIMBER.

CHRIS: SO YOU GO TO BARS AND SING KAREOKE… WHAT DO YOU SING?

WENDY: I SING… A WIDE…..WIDE…..WIDE VARIETY OF MUSIC. EVERYTHIGN FORM ENGLBERT HUMPERDINK TO ROY ROGERS… AROUND THE KAREOKE BARS THEY CALL ME…. ROY… HUMPERDINK.

CHRIS: DON’T YOU EVER SING SOME OF YOUR OLD SONGS?

WENDY: SOMETIMES…. THE ONE I LIKE TO SING THE MOST IS FROM MY MOVIE… EASY COME, EASY GO….

CHRIS: REALLY... WHICH SONG…EASY COME, EASY GO… LOVE MACHINE…. YOU GOTTA STOP?

WENDY: IT…. IT REALLY SCARES ME THAT YOU KNOW THE SONGS FROM THAT MOVIE… NO... THE ONE I LOVE TO SING IS… YOGA IS AS YOGA DOES.

CHRIS: YOG IS AS YOGA DOES…THAT SONG….. IN THE WORDS OF THE GREAT PHILOSOPHER ARISTOTLE… SUCKED.

WENDY: YEAH… BUT... I LOVE IT.

CHRIS: ELVIS… WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE PERFECT VALENTINES’ DATE?

WENDY: ME, FRANK A SIX PACK OF BEER AND A MAID’S COSTUME.

CHRIS: OKAY… OKAY... STOP… NOW I HAVE THE IMAGE IN MY HEAD AND IT ISN’T PRETTY. SOMEONE SHOVE A BRANDING IRON IN MY EAR… PLEASE.

WENDY: WHICH ONE OF US IS WEARING THE MAID’S COSTUME, ME...? FRANK OR BOTH?

CHRIS: OH…NO…NO… OKAY… THERES ANOTHER IMAGE I’M GOING TO HAVE TO BURN OUT OF MY HEAD WITH A HOME WOOD BURNING KIT.

WENDY: YEAH… YOU PUT THOSE THREE THINGS TOGETHER AND YOU HAVE A HUUUUUUH!!!!! REAL VALENTINES’ DAY TO REMEMBER.

CHRIS: OKAY… UM… WOW… THAT IMAGE IS REALLY HARD TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

FRANK: YOU SHOULD TRY GETTING THE OUTFIT OFF… THOSE STOCKING ALWAYS YANK OUT BIG TUFFTS OF MY LEG HAIR.

CHRIS: OH… SEE… THERE YOU GO AGAIN….KIM… KIM!

KIM: YES CHRIS?

CHRIS: KIM… TAKE A STEAK KNIFE AND JUST CUT OUT MY FRONTAL LOBE….. ELVIS... DO YOU HAVE ANY MEMORABLE VALENTINE’S DAYS THAT DON’T INVOLVE FRANK?

WENDY: WELL… THERE WAS ONE WITH KIM.

CHRIS: KIM!!!!

FRANK: KIM!!!

KIM: I GET A RAISE!!!!

CHRIS: WHAT…?

KIM: I …. JUST THOUGHT I WOULD GIVE IT A SHOT.

CHRIS: KIM… YOU SPENT A …A… VALENTINE’S DAY WITH ELVIS… WAS THIS PRE-LIVING IN EMBLEM AND BEING A MAN OR POST EMBLEM BEING…? A...REALLY... REALLY UNATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

KIM: IT WAS PRE… OF COURSE.

ELVIS: I’LL NEVER FORGET IT… KIM GOT ME… ALL SHOOK UP.

KIM: WOAH... WOAH… IT WASN’T LIKE THAT! I WAS 9 YEARS OLD… I WAS FRIENDS WITH HIS DAUGHTER LISA MARIE…. I WENT OVER TO GRACELAND FOR A PARTY…

CHRIS: AND… THIS IS MEMORABLE BECAUSE OF WHY ELVIS?

WENDY: WELL… THAT WAS IN MY… HEAVY WEIGHT DAYS… AND I JUST LOVED TO EAT….. EVERYTHING…

CHRIS: DEFINE EVERYTHING?

WENDY: I ATE 3 LBS OF LARD IN LESS THAN A MINUTE. I DIPPED STICKS OF BUTTER INTO… MELTED BUTTER.

CHRIS: OKAY… YEAH… THAT QUALIFIES… GO ON WITH THE STORY.

WENDY: WELL… KIM BROUGHT LISA MARIE A CAKE SHE HAD BAKED… IN THE SHAPE OF A HEART.

CHRIS: KIM BAKED A CAKE!

KIM: HEY... WOAH... HOLD ON... I COOK ALL THE TIME…. NOW.

CHRIS: YOU MADE LISA MARIE PRESLEY A CAKE.

KIM: YEP… I COOKED IT WITH MY OWN TWO LITTLE KIMMY HANDS IN MY EASY BAKE OVEN.

CHRIS: AND WAS THE CAKE ANY GOOD.

KIM: I DON’T KNOW….

CHRIS: WHY NOT?

KIM: BECAUSE… THE KING OF TUBOLA… ATE IT.

CHRIS: ELVIS... YOU ATE KIM’S CAKE!?

WENDY: YOU BETTER BELIVE IT BOY…. LIKE I SAID... I ATE EVERYTHING… LITTLY KIMMY WALKED IN… HOLDING THE LITTLE HEART CAKE OUT AND I… I…. I…

CHRIS: YOU………

WENDY: I JUMPED ON THAT THING SO FAST… YOU’D HAVE THOUGHT I WAS A HOUND DOG ON A JUNE BUG.

CHRIS: I... HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS…. AND KIM WHAT DID YOU DO.

KIM: I GOT SO MAD… I KICKED HIM!!! I KICKED HIM REALLY HARD.

CHRIS: REALLY HARD? HOW HARD AND WHERE?

WENDY: LETS PUT IT THIS WAY… I WAS HALF THE WAY TO BECOMING A WOMAN AT THAT EXACT MOMENT!!! HUUUUUH!!!

CHRIS: WOW…. KIM SO YOU KICKED HIM IN..IN….

KIM: IN THE GHETTO!

WENDY: HUUUUH!!!! OH YEAH!

CHRIS: WELL ELVIS… I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL VALENTINE’S DAY… AND THAT ALL YOUR… STRANGELY WEIRD VALENTINE’S DAY WISHES COME TRUE.

WENDY: WELL… THANK YOU… THANK YOU VERY MUCH…. OH.. HEY… FRANK... BY THE WAY… THE SEXY NURSE COSTUME CAME IN YESERDAY… IT LOOKS LIKE THERE WILL BE A SPECIAL SPONGE BATH TONIGHT... HUHHHH~!!!!

CHRIS: JUST… KILL ME….. NOW … SOMEONE…

KIM: I CAN KICK YOU.

CHRIS: NO THANK YOU… LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… SAY GOODBYE TO ELVIS!!!

WENDY: THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH…. ELVIS HAS LEFT THE IRMA!!!! HUUUUH!!!!




COMFORT FOOD LOVELINE…

IN HONOR OF THIS SPECIAL DAY OF LOVE… WE ARE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE RETURN OF… THE COMFORT FOOD LOVE LINE!!!

SOUND EFFECT MUSIC--

YES WE ARE BRINGING BACK OUR MATCHMAKER SERVICE THAT HAS BROUGHT SO MANY COUPLES TOGETHER… IF ONLY LONG ENOUGH TO FILE RESTRAING ORDERS.

OUR FIRST SINGLE IS BURT….

BURT IS 31 YEARS OLD… IS A PROFESSIONAL AND IS SEEKING A WOMAN IN OUR AREA WHO HAS… NO TATOOS….

WELL GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ONE BURT.

FRANK: WAIT... I KNOW ONE… I KNOW ONE… WAIT... NOPE…SHE’S MARRIED TO MY DAD.

CHRIS: THANK YOU FRANK… GOOD EFFFORT…

NEXT WE HAVE SYLVIA…

SYLVIA IS LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT… AND MR. RIGHT HERE IS DEFINED AS BEING A MULTI MILLIONAIRE, WITH SEVERAL HOMES, CARS AND AS DUMB AS A BOX OF DIRT.

WE SHOULD FIX HER UP WITH… THAT FOOTBALL GUY… PLAXIO.. THE ONE WHO SHOT HIMSELF…. WAIT THERE IS A P.S.

DON’T FIX ME UP WITH PLAXIO… I SAID AS DUMB AS A BOX OF DIRT… NOT DUMB AS A SHIPPING CONTAINER FULL OF DIRT.

OKAYYYYY…. HERE WE HAVE…. TOM… TOM IS A RESIDENT OF CODY AND SAYS… ANYONE WHO WANTS’S TO BE MY VALENTINE… CAN BE MY VALENTINE… IF… THEY DUMP CHRIS TURNER’S LIFELESS BODY INTO THE BUFFALO BILL RESEVOIR. I CAN’T STAND THAT GUY’S VOICE!

MOVING RIGHT ALONG…….

AND FINALLY WE HAVE THE LOVELY WENDY…. OH... THERES ANOTHER WENDY OUT THERE… LET’S READ THIS….

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN….
I DESPERATELY NEED A WEEKEND JOB… I’LL DO ANYTHING YOU ASK… CHOP WOOD, CLEAN OUT SEPTIC TANKS, MUCK OUT STABLES, PULL DEAD SKIN OFF YOU… ANYTHING TO GET OUT OF MY CURRENT WEEKEND JOB… CONTACT WENDY CORR AT THE BIG HORN RADIO NETWORK.

CHRIS: WENDY!!!!

WENDY: YES CHRIS.

CHRIS: WHAT IS THIS?

WENDY: IT’S MY PERSONAL ADD.

CHRIS: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE LONELY HEARTS SECTION OF THE SHOW.

WENDY: OH… SORRY… HERE… LET… ME CHANGE…. THAT…..OKAY... NOW READ IT.

CHRIS: OKAY…….

SINGLE WOMAN SEEKING SINGLE MAN… OR SINGLE JOB… MORE THE JOB THAN THE MAN THOUGH… PLEASE CONTACT WENDY CORR.

CHRIS: DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO ADD WENDY?

WENDY: YES...I DON’T MIND AN ICKY JOB… BUT I DO MINDAN ICKY GUY… CALL NOW!

CHRIS: AND THOSE ARE YOUR COMFORT FOOD PERSONALS!


MEN AND WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS

WITH THIS BEING VALENTINES DAY... I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE HELPFUL FOR BOTH SEXES IF WE HERE AT COMFORT FOOD COULD EXPLAIN WHAT MEN REALLY MEANAND WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN WHEN THEY PLACE A PERSONAL AD.

PERSONAL ADS ARE VERY COMMON IN NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES AND ESPECIALLY THE INTERNET… AND... THESE ADS HAVE THEIR OWN SPECIAL LANGUAGE.

CHRIS: WENDY… GIVE THEM AN EXAMPLE...

WENDY: I AM NOT SO SURE ABOUT THIS…

CHRIS: GO AHEAD WENDY… IT WILL BE HELPFUL.

WENDY, OKAY… HERE IS ANEXAMPLE WHEN A MAN’S AD SAYS

“I’M 40-ISH” HE REALLY MEANS…..” I’M 60, I DYE MY HAIR AND YOU’;RE GOING TO BE PUSHING ME AROUND IN A WHEELCHAIR WITHIN 5 YEARS….”

CHRIS: MY TURN WHEN A WOMAN AD SAYS…

“I’M 40-SH…” SHE REALLY MEANS… “IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS”

CHRIS: YOUR TURN WENDY….

WENDY: OKAY…. PEOPLE… I DID NOT WRITE THIS!!! WHEN A MAN’S AD READS

“I’M LOOKING FOR A SOULMATE” WHAT HE REALLY MEANS IS… I’M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO DO MY LAUNDRY 3 DAYS A WEEK, SOME IRONING AND NOT COMPLAIN.”

WENDY: AINT THAT THE TRUTH.

CHRIS: WHEN A WOMAN’S AD SAYS….

“I’M LOOKING FOR A SOULMATE” WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS IS…

I’M A STALKER… AND AFTER OUR FIRST DATE I AM GOING TO FOLLOW YOU EVERYWHERE AND WHEN I’M NOT FOLLOWING YOU I’M GOING TO CALL AND TEXT YOU 300 TIMES A DAY!!!

WENDY: WHEN A MAN’S AD SAYS….

I’M VERY OUTGOING…. THAT REALLY MEANS… I’M LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS…

CHRIS: WHEN A WOMAN’S AD SAYS

“I AM OUTGOING”… IT REALLY MEANS…. “I CAN DRINK ANY MAN UNDER THE TABLE”….

WENDY: CHRIS… I WOULDN’T SAY THAT IS VERY…

CHRIS: LET’S JUST KEEP GOING……

WENDY: WHEN A MAN’S AD SAYS….

“I’M FREE SPIRITED AND UNDERSTADING” HE MEANS… HE WILL LET YOU HAVE THE REMOTE CONTROL ONCE A WEEK, FOR AN HOUR”

CHRIS: WHEN A WOMAN’S AD SAYS…

“I AM FREE SPIRITED AND UNDERSTANDING” THAT MEANS…. AFTER WE’RE MARRIED YOU CAN GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS ONCE EVERY YEAR… FOR AN HOUR”

WENDY: WHEN A MAN’S AD READ…

“I AM TIRED OF THE DATING SCENE” IT MEANS… HE’S BEEN TURNED DOWN BY EVERYONE HE’S EVER ASKED FOR A DATE.

CHRIS: WHEN A WOMAN’S AD READS

“I’M TIRED OF THE DATING SCENE” IT MEANS… SHE’S TURNED DOWN EVERYONE WHO’S EVER ASKED HER OUT FOR A DATE.

WENDY: WHEN A MAN’S AD READS….

“CONTAGIOUS SMILE” IT MEANS… CAN’T TRUST A WORD COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH…

CHRIS: WHEN A WOMAN’S AD READS…

“CONTAGIOUS SMILE” IT MEANS… DOES LOTS AND LOTS OF PILLS.

WENDY: WHEN A MAN’S AD READS…

“I’M VERY NEW AGE” HE’S READ EVERY SELF HELP BOOK IMMAGINABLE AND IS STILL A MESS.

CHRIS: WHEN A WOMAN’S AD READS

“I’M VERY NEW AGE” IT MEANS… “I HAVE HAIR IN THE WRONG PLACES.”

WENDY: THAT IS DISGUSTING…

CHRIS: BUT TRUE…

WENDY: WELL YEAH… YOU’RE RIGHT.

CHRIS: GO TO THE NEXT ONE.

WENDY: WHEN A MAN’S AD READS…

“I’M EMOTIONALLY SECURE” IT MEANS… AS LONG AS I LIVE ON THE SAME BLOCK AS MY MOTHER”

CHRIS: WHEN A WOMAN’S AD READS

“I’M EMOTIONALLY SECURE” IT MEANS… I’M ON MEDICATION.

WENDY: WHEN A MAN’S AD READS….

“SINGLE” IT MEANS… “MARRIED AND SLEAZY”

CHRIS: WHEN A WOMAN’S AD READS…

“SINGLE” IT MEANS “I’M YOUR WIFE”

WENDY: WHEN A MAN’S AD READS…

“GOOD LISTENER” IT MEANS… “EXCUSE ME… DID YOU SAY SOMETHING, I WASN’T LISTENING”.

CHRIS: WHEN A WOMAN’S AD READS…

“GOOD LISTENER” IT MEANS…”BORDERLINE AUTISTIC.”

WENDY: WHEN A MAN’S AD READS…

“ROMANTIC” IT MEANS… “ONCE BROUGH A GIRL FLOWERS HE STOLE OFF OF A GRAVE

CHRIS: WHEN A WOMAN’S AD READS

“ROMANTIC” IT REALLY MEANS… “LOOKS BETTER BY CANDEL LIGHT”

WENDY: AND FINALLY WHEN A MAN’S AD READS….

“IM OUTDOORSY” IT EITHER MEANS… HE LIKES TO HIKE, ROCK CLIMB, HUNT, FISH, RIDE ATVS, HORSEBACK RIDE, AND GO CAMPING OR IT MEANS… I WALKED TO MY MAILBOX… ONCE.

CHRIS: WHEN A WOMAN’S AD READS…

“IM OUTDOORSY” IT EITHER MEANS… HE LIKES TO HIKE, ROCK CLIMB, HUNT, FISH, RIDE ATVS, HORSEBACK RIDE, AND GO CAMPING OR IT MEANS…MY NAME IS SUZANNE LEWIS!

I HOPE THAT IS SOME HELP TO YOU ALL