OPENING MONOLOGUE #172

WELCOME BACK TO COMFORT FOOD EVERYBODY… THE SHOW THAT COMES TO YOU… ALL THE WAY FROM…HERE!

WELL FOLKS… OUR NEW MAYOR NANCY TIA BROWN IS NOW FULLY ENSCONSED IN HER OFFICE… AND LIKE NEWLY INSTALLED PRESIDENT OBAMA… SHE IS MAKING APPOINTMENTS… I AM VERY PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT MAYOR BROWN HAS CHOSEN ME FOR A VERY, VERY IMPORTANT POSITION.

WENDY: WAIT… WAIT.. EXCUSE ME… CHRIS… ARE YOU SAYING THAT MAYOR BROWN HAS GIVEN YOU… A JOB?

CHRIS: THAT IS CORRECT!

WENDY: AND IT IS A JOB WITH… RESPONDSIBILITIES?

CHRIS: YES… VAST RESPONDSIBILITIES.

WENDY: IMPORTANT RESPONSIBILITIES?

CHRIS: VERY IMPORTANT WENDY.

WENDY: I... I… JUST CAN’T BELIVE IT. IT… IT DEFIES ALL LOGIC.

CHRIS: WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

WENDY: WELL… CHRIS… DO YOU MIND IF I’M HONEST?

CHRIS: GO AHEAD.

WENDY: I MEAN… REALLY HONEST?

CHRIS: YES WENDY… YOU CAN BE REALLY HONEST.

WENDY: OKAY… YOU’RE AN IDIOT.

CHRIS: EXCUSE ME.

WENDY: CHRIS…YOU ARE A FULL BLOWN IDIOT… A NICE IDIOT... BUT STILL AN IDIOT.




CHRIS: IF I’M SUCH AN IDIOT… HOW DID I GET RENE TO MARRY ME?

WENDY: YOU GOT HER DRUNK.

CHRIS: WHO TOLD YOU THAT!!!

WENDY: SHE DID.

CHRIS: OH.

WENDY: CHRIS… YOUR’E ACTUALLY A PRETTY SWEET GUY BUT… YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS.

CHRIS: HOW SO?

WENDY: REMEMBER… WHEN YOU READ ABOUT THE CODY WEIGHT WATCHERS AND HOW … AS A GROUP… THEY HAD LOST A THOUSAND LB’S?

CHRIS: YEAH... I WAS… REALLY PROUD OF THEM… I THOUGHT THEY SHOWED GREAT DICIPLINE IN… MEETING THEIR GOAL.

WENDY: AND WHAT DID YOU DO?

CHRIS: I SENT THEM SOME GIFTS! SOME VERY NICE GIFTS.

WENDY: YES THEY WERE… THEY WERE VERY NICE GIFTS… AND… WHAT WERE THE GIFTS?

CHRIS: 10 STUFFED CRUST MEAT LOVERS PIZZAS!!!

WENDY: I… REST MY CASE.

CHRIS: OKAY… SO I PROBALBY SHOULD HAVE SENT THEM… THIN CRUST INSTEAD… I’M WILLING TO ADMIT I WAS WRONG.

WENDY: AND WHAT ABOUT THE TIME YOU TRIED TO TEACH MY KIDS HOW TO DRIVE?

CHRIS: YOU KNOW WENDY… KID’S IN WYOMING LEARN HOW TO DRIVE PRETTY EARLY IN LIFE.

WENDY: THEY WERE 6 AND 11!

CHRIS: AND THEY DID PRETTY WELL.

WENDY: YEAH… UNTIL YOU ENED UP IN THAT TREE!

CHRIS: I’M STILL NOT SURE HOW THAT HAPPENED.

WENDY: DID YOU EVER GET THE CAR FIXED?

CHRIS: OH… IT WASN’T MY CAR… IT WAS KIM’S.

KIM: I’M STILL FINDING LEAVES IN MY GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

WENDY: AND WHAT ABOUT THE TIME… YOU HAD THE PARTY… AND SOMEONE BROUGHT SOME BRIE CHEESE… AND YOU DIDN’T LIKE THE WAY THEY SLICED IT… YOU WALKED UP TO EVERYONE AND ASKED…”DID YOU CUT THE CHEESE? DID YOU CUT THE CHEESE? EXCUSE ME… DID YOU CUT THE CHEESE?” YOU SOUNDED LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT.

CHRIS: I NEVER DID FIND OUT WHO CUT THE CHEESE

FRANK: CHRIS… I HAVE A CONFESSION…. I CUT THE CHEESE.

CHRIS: YOU DID… BUT YOU WEREN’T AT MY PARTY.

FRANK: I... WASN’T TALKING ABOUT THE PARTY.

CHRIS: OH...OHHHHHH MOVE OVER KIM… NOW.

WENDY: AND I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO TALK ABOUT THAT BUSINESS YOU STARTED.

CHRIS: HEY... HEY... THAT BUSINESS WAS A GREAT IDEA.

WENDY: OH SURE....YEAH… IT…. REALLY WAS… CODY REALLY NEEDED AN UNDERWEAR REPAIR STORE! IT DIDN’T LAST VERY LONG DID IT.

CHRIS: ONLY A BRIEF WHILE.

WENDY: CHRIS… DON’T ALLL THESE STORIES SHOW YOU THAT… WELL… YOU’RE AN IDIOT.

CHRIS: WHAT ABOUT THE TIME I MADE HOMEMADE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES…AND BROUGHT THEM IN…YOU ALL LOVED THOSE.

WENDY: OH… THEY WERE DELICIOUS… I ALSO REMEMBER YOU USED M&MS FOR THE CHIPS.

CHRIS: YEP… I SURE DID… BOY… WERE THOSE THINGS HARD TO PEAL.

WENDY: CHRIS…YOU… LEAVE ME SPEECHLESS.

KIM: WHAT ABOUT THE TIME HE WAS ON THE TALK SHOW SPEAK YOUR PEACE… AND THE CALLER ASKED HIM...”CHRIS WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO ABOUT THE PINE BEETLES” AND CHRIS SAID…”I LOVE ‘EM… I HAVE ALL THEIR ALBUMS”.

CHRIS: I DIDN’T HEAR THE PINE PART!!!

WENDY: OH...OH… OH… WHAT ABOUT THE TIME…THAT RODEO COWBOY ASKED CHRIS… IF HE EVER ROAD BAREBACK.

KIM: AND CHRIS SAID... “NOT VERY OFTEN …I’M SENSITVE TO THE SUN”.

FRANK: OR... OR THAT TIME CHRIS HIRED THE AUDIO GUY TO DO HIS SHOW… AND THE GUY HAD NEVER DONE A RADIO BEFORE.

WENDY: UM... FRANK... THAT WAS YOU.

FRANK: I KNOW!!! I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING… IT KILLS ME!

WENDY: I... WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT TIME CHRIS SPOKE TO THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE AND SAID… AND I QUOTE…”WE MUST KEEP SYLVANIA PASS OPEN… THIS TOWN DESRVES AS MANY TELEVISION SETS AS IT WANTS.”

CHRIS: NO… NO… I SAID… WE MUST KEEP THE SYLVAN’S PASS OPEN OR HOW ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO GET INTO CODY.

WENDY: I LIKE MINE MORE.

CHRIS: ENOUGH… THIS IS ENOUGH… I WILL NOT HAVE YOU MAKE FUN OF ME ON MY OWN RADIO SHOW.

WENDY: CHRIS… WE AREN’T MAKING FUN OF YOU… WE’RE… WE’RE … HELP ME KIM.

KIM: WE’RE LAUGHING WITH YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR BACK.

CHRIS: WELL… SOME PEOPLE RESPECT ME AROUND HERE. I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I WALKED RIGHT INTO MAYOR BROWN’S OFFICE… GAVE A VERY STIRING SPEECH AND WAS AWARED A PRIME JOB!

WENDY: OKAY CHRIS… OKAY… WE BELIVE YOU… WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER?

CHRIS: I LOOKED HER STRAIGHT IN THE EYE… BOTH OF THEM AND SAID….

MAYOR BROWN…

COMFORT FOOD IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE BIG HORN RADIO NETWORK ON KODI 1400 AM AND KZMQ 1140 AM FROM 9-10 AM SATURDAY MORNINGS …. LIVE FROM THE WORLD FAMOUS IRMA HOTEL WHERE HISTORY, GREAT FOOD, AND GREAT ROOMS COLLIDE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT! OH... AND DON’T FORGET TO GO TO OUR WEBSITE COMFORTFOODRADIO.COM AND SIGN UP FOR OUR PODCASTING DOWLOADS... IT’S FREE!!!! AND IF YOU WANT TO ADD ZIP TO YOUR COMMERCIAL ADDS… CONTACT ME CHRIS TURNER AT 587 9989… YOU HAVE THE PRODUCT … I HAVE THE VOICE TO SELL IT!

WENDY: AND WHAT DID SHE SAY AFTER YOU SAID THAT.

CHRIS: SHE SAID… CHRIS… YOU’VE BEEN IN MY OFFICE EVERY DAY SINCE I BECAME MAYOR… IN FACT YOU HAVE BEEN HERE EVERY TWO HOURS OF EVERY DAY SINCE I BECAME MAYOR AND BECAUSE OF YOUR PERSISTANCE AND DEDICATION I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU A CITY JOB.

WENDY: AND WHAT JOB DID SHE GIVE YOU.

CHRIS: I AM SEC. OF THE NAVY FOR CODY!

WENDY: EXCUSE ME….

CHRIS: YES… I AM IN CHARGE OF CODY’S FLEET!

WENDY: I DIDN’T KNOW CODY EVEN… HAD A FLEET.

CHRIS: NEITHER DID I!!!

WENDY: SO WHAT IS YOUR FIRST JOB?

CHRIS: WELL THE MAYOR SAID… I NEEDED TO GET SOME SHIPS FOR OUR NAVY… SO I AM OFF TO BILLINGS.

WENDY: YOU’RE OFF TO BILLINGS… WHY.

CHRIS: WELL.. BECAUSE… WE DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY TO SPEND ON OUR NAVAL FORCES SO I AM GOING TO GET THEM USED.

WENDY: OH... I DON’T WANT TO ASK THIS… BUT I’M GOING TO… WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GET THE USED SHIPS?

CHRIS: AT OLD NAVY.

WENDY: I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO SAY THAT….. OH… AND ON THE WAY… WHY DON’T YOU GO TO THE GAP AND GET YOUR TEETH WORKED ON.

CHRIS: GREAT IDEA…I’LL GET LUNCH TOO. I’LL STOP BY AND GET ONE OF THOSE… GIRL SANDWICHES…

WENDY: GIRL SANDWICHES?

CHRIS: YEAH… AT THE MALL… HERBURGERS.

WENDY: THAT ONE… I WASN’T EXPECTING.

BIG ANTLER NETWORK MESSAGE

THE FOLLOWING IS A MESSAGE FROM THE BIG ANTLER NETWORK.

DID YOU NOTICE WHAT I JUST SAID… THE BIG ANTLER NETWORK?

WE HAD TO CHANGE OUR NAMES…. AND IT’S A PAIN…..

ALL OF OUR PAYCHECKS CAME FROM BIG HORN… HORN!!! RADIO NETWORK… AND NOW…THE BANK WON’T CASH THEM…. THEY AREN’T WORTH A PLUG… A PLUG IS WORTH MORE….

WE HATE OUR NAME CHANGE… BUT WE HAD TO…

WHY DO YOU ASK….

I’LL GIVE YOU ONE GUESS…. AND THE ANSWER IS THAT TUB OF GOO WHO HOSTS THIS SHOW.

YOU SEE… TURNER….. OWNS THE NAME… BIG HORN RADIO NETWORK….
HE BOUGHT IT…. WON IT AT THE DUCKS UNLIMITED SILENT AUCTION…

SPEAKING OF WHICH, ISN’T IT IRONIC THAT A QUACK LIKE TURNER SHOULD ATTEND A FUNDRAISER FOR DUCKS… BUT… I DIGRESS…

WE THOUGHT WE WERE JUST DONATING SOME ADVERTISING TIME TO THIS WORTHY ORGANIZATION…. VERY… VERY WORTHY ORGANIZATION WHOM WE ADMIRE VERY MUCH AND HOPE THEY WILL CONTINUE TO ADVERTISE ON THE BIG HORN…. BIG ANTLER NETWORK.

SOMEONE… IN THE BIG ANTLER… OFFICES… MISS TYPED THE DONATED ADVERTISING CONTRACT AND THER IN… SOLD THE NETWORK’S NAME FOR $75.

ONCE AGAIN.. ROGER, WENDY, CAROL, BISCHOFF…ROCK GOD… I’M SORRY.. I WAS IN A HURRY… THE STEELERS GAME WAS ABOUT TO START… WELL ANYWAY… TURNER OWNS IT NOW AND WANTS TO CHARGE US AN ARM AND A LEG… AND AN EAR… AND SPLEEN TO USE “BIG HORN” SO…WE HAD TO CHANGE OUR NAME… SO… FROM HERE ON OUT… WE ARE THE BIG ANTLER RADIO….PARDON ME…

WHAT….. WHAT!!! HE OWNS THAT TOO!!! SIGH….WHAT DO I CALL US NOW…

YOU’RE KIDDING… OKAY… FINE!

THANK YOU… AND THIS HAS BEEN A MESSAGE FROM THE BIG… POINTY THING ON TOP OF A DEAR, ANTELOPE OR ELK’S HEAD… NETWORK.



GOV. DAVE’S HOWITZER

WYOMING GOVERNOR DAVE FREUDENTHAL HAS OFFERED TO SUPPLY YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK A NEW HOWITZER.

THE HOWITZER IS OF COURSE, USED IN SYLVAN PASS TO MAINTAIN CONTROL OF AVALANCES IN THE WINTER TIME AND THUS KEEP THE PASS OPEN.

AFTER HIS OFFER, GOV. DAVE WAS FEELING EXTREMELY GENEROUS AND HAS MADE SEVERAL OTHER OFFERS TO OTHER PARKS IN THE STATE….

HE HAS OFFERED TO PROVIDE THE CODY CITY PARK WITH A 50 CALIBER SNIPER RIFLE…TO KEEP THE BATHROOM LINES MORE ORDERLY IN THE SUMMER TIME.

IN GRAND TETON NATIONAL PARK HE IS OFFERING 2 ATTACK HELECOPTERS. THESE WILL NOT BE USED STRICTLY IN THE PARK… BUT FOR OCCASIONAL STRAFFING RUNS OVER JACKSON WYOMING. COME ON FOLKS… ADMIT IT… YOU’ LOVE TO DO IT… WOULDN’T YOU?

FOR THE SHOSHONI NATIONAL FORREST HE HAS GENEROUSLY OFFERED UP ……..SEVERAL FLAME THROWERS….. COME ON YOU HAD TO SEE THAT ONE COMING.

NOW THAT THE LEGISLATURE IS IN SESSION… THE GOVERNOR IS GIVING CHEYENNE SEVERAL…. LAWS ROCKETS.

IN ROCK SPRINGS… HE HAS OFFERED TO GIVE THEM A NUCLEAR BOMB… SO THEY CAN JUST….LEVEL THE PLACE AND START ALL OVER AGAIN.

DEAD INDIAN PASS AND MEDICINE BOW ARE GETTING TOMAHAWK MISSILES……. COULDN’T RESIST.

BUFFALO BILL STATE PARK AND THE BUFFALO BILL RESEVOIR IS GETTING AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER… THAT’S TO ENFORCE THE ICE FISHING REGS…

CASPER IS GETTING THE VIRTUALLY INVISIBLE A STEALTH FIGHTER… GET IT…. CASPER…. INVISIBLE AIRPLANE….

RALSTON ISN’T VERY HAPPY WITH WHAT THE GOVERNOR IS GIVING THEM… THEY ARE GETTING ONE HUNDRED BOXES OF MILITARY FOOD… OR MRE’S … MEALS REJECTED BY EMBLEM.

AND SPEAKING OF LITTLE ITTY BITTY… BARELY EXISTS EMBLEM, EMBLEM WYOMING IS GETTING… 4 TANKS!!! AND... I HAVE A NOTE HERE FROM THE MAYOR OF EMBLEM… AND IT SAYS…. TURNER! STOP MAKING FUN OF US OR ITS TANKS FOR YOU”… WELL MR. MAYOR… ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS...YOU’RE WELCOME



DR. FLORA…

MUSIC

CHRIS: AND NOW THE WOMAN YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR… THE RELATIONSHIP EXPERT WHO DELIVERS WARM ADVICE, WARM FUZZIES AND WARM YORGURT THAT’S SEEN BETTER DAYS TO HER DETRACTORS…

DR. FLORA MESSENGER!!!

WENDY: WELCOME BACK TO THE DR. FLORA MESSENGER SHOW… 3 HOURS OF ME… BEING RIGHT… AND YOU BEING WRONG… EVEN WHEN YOU ARE AGREEING WITH ME… FIRST CALLER…

FRANK: HELLO… DR. FLORA… I AM MY OWN CAR’S OWNER.

WENDY: GO AHEAD CALLER.

FRANK: DR. FLORA…. I THINK I SHOULD DIVORCE MY WIFE.

WENDY: I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE TIME LIVING IN HADES WITH SATAN AND ALL HIS BUDDIES.

FRANK: EXCUSE ME?

WENDY: VIOLATING THE SANCTITIY OF MARRIAGE WITH DIVORCE IS A SURE WAY TO BURN FOR ETERNITY!

FRANK: BUT… DR. FLORA… MY WIFE IS TRYING TO KILL ME.

WENDY: OH… IT’S JUST SOME EXCUSE YOU’RE MAKING UP.

FRANK: NO… I SWEAR… I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND SHE WAS TRYING TO SMOTHER ME WITH A PILLOW. I HAD TO SHOVE HER OFF OR SHE WOULD HAVE KILLED ME.

WENDY: THAT IS HORRIBLE!

FRANK: I KNOW…. SHE COULD HAVE KILLED ME!

WENDY: NOT… IT IS HORRIBLE THAT YOU SHOVED HER OFF!!! I’M TURNING YOUR NAME OVER TO THE POLICE… UNLESS YOU TAKE SOME ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES AND GET A HOLD OF THAT TEMPER OF YOURS!

FRANK: BUT SHE WAS TRYING TO SMOTHER ME!!!

WENDY: DID YOU ASK HER WHY SHE WAS TRYING TO SMOTHER YOU?

FRANK: SHE SAID SHE WASN’T TRYING TO KILL ME… I HAD DROOLED ON MY PILLOW OVERNIGHT AND SHE WAS TRYING TO WIPE THE SPIT OFF.

WENDY: WELL!!! THAT’LL SHOW YOU!

FRANK: THAT SHE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME?

WENDY: NO… TO CLOSE YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU SLEEP… NEXT CALLER.

KIM: HELLO… DR. FLORA…

WENDY: HUSSY!!!! TRAMP!!!!! HOOKER!!!ADULTERER!!!

KIM: DR. FLORA…I’M ONLY 14.

WENDY: OH… THEN … I TAKE BACK THE ADULTERER PART.

KIM: DR. FLORA…I WANT TO ASK YOUR ADVICE ON…

WENDY: DON’T DO ANYTHING TILL YOU’RE 45!!!!! NO FOOLING AROUND NOTHIN…. AND I MEAN NOTHING…. IF YOU DO, YOU’LL GET HORIBLE ACNE ALL OVER… AND ALL YOUR HAIR WILL FALL OUT AND YOU’LL GO BALD! EXEPT FOR YOUR EYEBROWS… THEY’LL GROW ALL OVER YOUR FACE…

KIM: DR. FLORA I WAS JUST ASKING IF YOU THOUGHT I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO WATCH GREY’S ANOTOMY. THAT’S ALL I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

WENDY: SO WAS I!!!

KIM: DR. LAURA… SINCE YOU BROUGHT THE SUBJECT UP… WHEN IS IT RIGHT TO KISS A BOY?

WENDY: I AM GLAD YOU ASKED… YOU SHOULD READ MY BOOK… GIRLS—STAY AWAY FROM BOYS UNTIL YOU ARE 30 AND IF YOU GO NEAR THEM BEFORE THEN… YOU MIGHT AS WELL PUT ON A SHORT SKIRT AND WALK UP AND DOWN BROADWAY SELLING YOUR GOODS!

KIM: IT WILL ANSWER ALL MY QUESTIONS?

WENDY: YES… IT WILL… AND IF YOU ORDER RIGHT NOW YOU’LL GET MY OTHER BOOK…. SO… YOU GAVE IT UP AND NOW YOU’RE A LOOSER… YOU MIGHT AS WELL MARRY THE FIRST LOOSER WHO COMES ALONG. NEXT CALLER…

CHRIS: HELLO DR. LAURA… I CAN’T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOU ARE A VERY, VERY ANGRY PERSON... HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR THIS?

WENDY: I WASN’T ALLOWED TO GET MY WYOMING HARSHIP LICENSE UNTIL I WAS 9…. I’VE BEEN MAD EVER SINCE!

CHRIS: DON’T YOU THINK IT’S TIME TO “GET OVER IT” DR. LAURA?

WENDY: GET OVER IT… GET OVER IT… DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE THE ONLY GIRL IN BROWNIES WHO COULDN’T DRIVE HERSELF TO MEETINGS…?

CHRIS: I CAN’T IMAGINE THAT IT WAS THAT BAD.

WENDY: NOT THAT BAD!! NOT THAT BAD… LOOK YOU UNEMPLOYED BEET FARMER… I WAS TAUNTED EVERY DAY….THE OTHER BROWNIES TREATED ME LIKE I WAS A… A… A….

CHRIS: SLICE OF OLD DRIED UP ZUCCINI BREAD?

WENDY: WORSE… THEY TREATED ME LIKE… A… A… CAMP FIRE GIRL…!

CHRIS: THAT’S TOO BAD DR. FLORA… BUT… I THINK IT’S TIME TO LET GO.

WENDY: NEVER!!! NEVER… YOU SEE… THEY ALL, MY OLD BROWNIE TROUP, THEY ALL WORK FOR ME NOW!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!

CHRIS: WELL… THAT’S ONE WAY TO GET REVENGE…..

WENDY: OH…OHHHHH YOU BET IT IS… I HAVE THEM DOING THE MOST MENIAL OF TASKS…

CHRIS: LIKE……….?

WENDY: LIKE…………SHAVING OFF THE BELLY HAIR OFF MY BULLS I HAVE IN THE CODY NIGHT RODEO, OR… SHAVING THE HAIR OFF OF FRANK MY AUDIO ENGINEER…. OR... OR... HAHAHAHAHAHAA… TRASCRIBING THE COMFORT FOOD RADIO SHOWS FOR ME… HAHAHAHA… THEY RUN OUT INTO TRAFFIC SCREAMING WHEN THEY GET THAT ASSIGNMENT… HAHAHAHAHA.

CHRIS: YEAH… YOU DEFINITELY HAVE ISSUES.

WENDY: AND WHAT ISSUES DO YOU HAVE…MR.?

CHRIS: I JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW YOU’REHANDLING YOUR NEW COMPETITION.

WENDY: COMPETITION!!!! COMPETITION!!! COMPETITION!!!

CHRIS: YES… YOU SAID THAT… YES... YOUR NEW COMPETITION.

WENDY: WHO IS MY SO CALLED… COMPETITION?

CHRIS: TOM MORRISON-SON FROM KODI… HE HAS A NEW SELF HELP SHOW… IT’S CALLED…. IT AINT YOUR FAULT… IT’S THE DEMOCRATS FAULT!

WENDY: NO… NO… HE CAN’T DO THAT.

CHRIS: AND THAT’S FOLLOWED BY WENDY CORR’S NEW SHOW… I FEEL GROOVY… YOU SHOULD FEEL GROOVY… THE WHOLE WORLD FEELS GROOVY. I WANT EVERYONE TO FEEL …. GROOVY.

WENDY: I HATE HER… SHE SO… SO… SO….

CHRIS: PLEASANT AND NICE?

WENDY: EXACTLY!!!!!!

CHRIS: AND SHE TREATS PEOPLE WITH RESPECT… WHEREAS YOU TREAT THEM AS….

WENDY: AS THEY DON’T KNOW WHERE THEIR … WHEREAS IS!!!!!

CHRIS: DR. FLORA… DO YOU THINK YOU CAN SHIFT YOURSELF INTO BEING … NICER… MORE UNDERSTANDING………HUMAN?

WENDY: WELL… IF … IF TOM MORRISON-SON CAN DO IT… I CAN…

VERY SWEETLY

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM………………DEAR?

CHRIS: OH… I’M THE GUY THAT JUST REAR-ENDED YOUR PINK PORSHE… MAN IS THAT THING IN BAD SHAPE NOW….

STILL SWEETLY…

YOU DID… OH… OH MY.

CHRIS: YEAH... SORRY… AND I DON’T HAVE INSURANCE… AND MY CAR IS WORTH ABOUT OH… $125… I’M SURPRISED I EVEN GOT IT STARTED.

WENDY: AND ……DEAR… YOUR NAME IS…..?

CHRIS: TOM MORRISON-SON… WELL… I’LL SEE YOU… DON’T FORGET TO … SPEAK YOUR PEACE… YOU HAVE A NICE DAY… BUH BYE!

WENDY: I’M SO…. SO… SO MAD I COULD COVER MYSELF IN OLIVE OIL WRESTLE RUSH LIMBAUGH, DAVE FRUEDENTHAL AND JOHN DARBY… ALL AT ONCE... HMMMMMM THAT SOUNDS… FUN… I GOTTA GO PEOPLE... HEY BROWNIES… FINISH SHAVING FRANK AND GET ME SOME OLIVE OIL… FORGET THE VIRGIN STUFF… I’M WAY PAST THAT!!!

CHRIS: TUNE IN AGAIN TO DR FLORA… SHE’S A SHARP STICK IN THE EYE OF REALITY!!!!


THINGS TO PONDER

THE FIRST MONTH OF 2009 HAS ENDED AND WE ARE NOW BEGINNING THE NEXT 11…

I THOUGHT… NOW WITH THE HOLIDAYS OVER… I WOULD PASS ONTO YOU SOME… THOUGHTS… SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR…

I HOPE THAT EACH OF THEM OR MAYBE JUST ONE OF THEM WILL IMPROVE YOUR LIVES OVER THE COMING YEAR…

1. GIVE A PERSON A FISH AND YOU FEED HIM OR HER FOR A DAY, TEACH A PERSON TO USE THE INTERNET AND THEY WON’T BOTHER YOU FOR WEEKS.
2. SOME PEOPLE… ARE LIKE A SLINKY… NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT YOU CAN’T HELP BUT SMILE WHEN YOU SHOVE THEM DOWN THE STAIRS
3. GOOD HEALTH IS MERELY THE SLOWEST RATE AT WHICH ONE CAN DIE.
4. HEALTH NUTS ARE GOING TO FEEL STUPID SOMEDAY, LYING THE HOSPITAL DYING OF NOTHING.
5. WHY DOES A SLIGHT TAX INCREAS COST YOU 2 HUNDRED DOLLARS AND A SUBSTANTIAL TAX CUT SAVES YOU .30 CENTS?
6. ALL OF US COULD TAKE A LESSON FROM THE WEATHER. IT PAYS NO ATTENTION TO CRITICISM.
7. IN THE 60’S PEOPLE TOOK LSD TO MAKE THE WORLD WEIRD. NOW IN THE 21ST CENTURY, THE WORLD IS WEIRD AND PEOPLE TAKE PROZAC TO MAKE IT NORMAL.
8. WHY ISN’T THE WORD PHONETIC… SPELLED THE WAY IT SOUNDS?
9. DO YOU NEED A SILENCER IF YOU ARE GOING TO SHOOT A MIME…?

AND... NOW... THE NUMBER ONE THING TO PONDER FOR THE REST OF 2009

10. WE KNOW EXACTLY WHERE ONE MAD COW WITH MAD COW DISEASE IS LOCATED AMOUNG THE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF COWS IN AMERICA, BUT WE HAVEN’T A CLUE AS TO WHERE THOUSANDS OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS AND TERRORISTS ARE LOCATED… MAYBE WE SHOULD PUT THE DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE IN CHARGE OF IMMIGRATION!!!


QUAKING IN YOUR BOOTS BURNS

WENDY: GOOD MORNING THIS IS COMFORT FOOD SPECIAL COORESPONDANT WENDY CORR…

THE RECENT SPATE OF EARTHQUAKES IN THE YELLOWSTONE REGION HAS REMINDED MANY OF US JUST HOW FRAGILE THE EARTH BELOW OUR FEET REALLY IS…

HERE TO ANSWER SOME OF OUR QUESTIONS IS WORLD RENOWNED SIESMETOLOGIST DR. BOB QUAKING IN YOUR BOOTS BURNS.

WENDY: WELCOME TO COMFORT FOOD DR BURNS….

CHRIS: THANK YOU… THANK YOU… JUST CALL ME QUAKING…

WENDY: OOOOKAY… NOW DR. BURNS.

CHRIS: YEAH… THAT WORKS.

WENDY: NOW DR. BURNS… CAN YOU EXPLAIN THE LARGE NUMBER OF EARTHQUAKES WE’VE BEEN EXPERIENCING IN THE YELLOWSTONE REGION?

CHRIS: YES I CAN! THE EARTH IS MOVING.

WENDY: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?

CHRIS: YES… THE EARTH IS MOVING A LOT.

WENDY: OKAY… LET’S TRY THIS A DIFFERENT WAY… I UNDERSTAND THE EARTH IS MADE OF PLATES… AND WHEN THESE PLATES SHIFT AND RUB AGAINST EACH OTHER… THIS CAUSES EARTHQUAKES.

CHRIS: WOW!!! IT DOES!!! WOW!

WENDY: YOU DIDN’T KNOW THIS?

CHRIS: AH, AH, AHAH AH... SURE… SURE I DIDN’T KNOW THIS.

WENDY: WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS CAUSING THE EARTH QUAKES?

CHRIS: THE EARTH SITS ON A GIANT TURTLE AND WHENEVER THE TURTLE STOPS… EARTHQUAKES HAPPEN.

WENDY: DID YOU GO TO COLLEGE TO STUDY … EARTHQUAKES?

CHRIS: YES I DID…

WENDY: WHAT COLLEGE DID YOU GO TO?

CHRIS: BOB’S COLLEGE.

WENDY: AND WHERE IS…”BOB’S COLLEGE”

CHRIS: AH AH AH THAT IS HARD TO SAY.

WENDY: WHY IS THAT?

CHRIS: BECAUSE IT’S USUALLY HELD FROM THE BACK OF BOB’S 1977 CHEVY STATION WAGON… TWO TONED WITH WOOD PANELING.

WENDY: LET’S GET BACK TO THE EARTHQUAKES…. ARE YOU EXPECTING MORE SIESMIC ACTIVITY IN OUR REGION?

CHRIS: AH AH AH AH… YES WE ARE… WE EXPECT SEISMIC ACTIVITY TO HAPPEN….

WENDY: WHEN?

CHRIS: IT WILL HAPPEN… WHEN IT HAPPENS.

WENDY: CAN YOU PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC?

CHRIS: SURE… IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN…. THAT TURTLE STOPS WALKING AGAIN.

WENDY: QUAKING… WE DON’T BELIVE THE STORY ABOUT THE TURTLE.

CHRIS: OH….. THEN IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN THE SOUP BOWLS SHIFT AGAIN.

WENDY: YOU MEAN… PLATES….

CHRIS: YEAH… WHATEVER…. WHEN THOSE…THOSE… WHAT WERE THEY?

WENDY: PLATES…

CHRIS: DINNER OR SALAD?

WENDY: WHAT DOES IT MATTER…?

CHRIS: AH, AH, AH, YEAH…BECAUSE DINNER PLATES ARE SO MUCH BIGGER THAN SALAD PLATES… THAT WOULD BE A SMALLER SHIFT.

WENDY: SURE FINE… DINNER PLATES THEN.

CHRIS: WE KNOW THE DINNER PLATES WILL SHIFT WHEN….. YOU KNOW... SOME OF THESE QUAKES ARE PRETTY BIG… MUCH BIGGER THAN A DINNER PLATE… MAYBE A SERVING PLATTER….

WENDY: OKAY… SURE…FINE… A SERVING PLATTER…

CHRIS: WHEN THE SERVING PLATTER BEGINS TO SHIFT WE KNOW ABOUT 24 HOURS IN…. I JUST WAS THINKING…. SOME OF THESE THINGS ARE HUGE…. WE MIGHT BE TALKING…. A BUFFET TABLE…. WITH BIG PLATES AND SALAD PLATES AND…AND SEVERAL SERVING PLATTERS… TONGS AND…

WENDY: FINE!!!! WHATEVER…. CAN WE EXPECT THE BUFFET TABLE TO BE SHAKING ANYTIME SOON?

CHRIS: WELL…SURE AH AH AH AAH ANY TIME KIM GET’S NEAR IT!! THIS PLACE WILL SHAKE AND BAKE.

KIM: WHAT!!! WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!!!!!

CHRIS: SEE WHAT I MEAN … CAN YOU FEEL THE EARTH SHAKING?

KIM: LOOK BUSTER!!!!

CHRIS: IT’S REALLY ROCKING NOW!

WENDY: DR. BURNS I DON’T THINK….

CHRIS: AH AH AH AH IF YOU REALLY WANT TO FEEL THE EARTH MOVE… WAIT TILL FRANK GETS NEAR THE BUFFET TABLE!!!

FRANK: WHAT!!! LET ME AT HIM!

KIM: HOLD ON FRANK…… HE’S MINE!!!!!

WENDY: HOLD IT PEOPLE…. KIM, FRANK… PLEASE... I HAVE TO FINISH THIS INTERVIEW…. DR. BURNS… CAN WE EXPECT ANY MORE OF THESE “QUAKE SWARMS” WE’VE BEEN EXPERIENCING LATELY?

CHRIS: AH AH AH AH THAT DEPENDS… MS WENDY… ARE YOU HEADED FOR THE BUFFET TABLE ANYTIME SOON?

WENDY: YOU’RE A DEAD MAN!!!!!

CHRIS: WOW…CAN YOU FEEL IT… THE FLOOR IS REALLY ROCKING NOW!!!

KIM: WENDY!!! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!!!

WENDY: GET A HOLD OF HIM KIM…. AND AFTERWARDS… I’LL HOLD HIM FOR YOU!!!!

KIM: IT’S A DEAL

CHRIS: AH AH AH AH … I GOTTA GO!!!!

WENDY: THAT WAS QUAKING IN YOUR BOOT BURNS…. THE SOON TO BE LATE SEISMETOLOGIST…

CHRIS: WENDY… YOU WANT TO GO TO A YELLOWSTONE QUAKE GAME AND THEN SOME SHAKEY’S PIZZA AFTERWARDS?

WENDY: WHY ON EARTH SHOULD I GO OUT WITH YOU?

CHRIS: AH AH AH AH CAUSE.. I’LL ROCK YOUR WORLD!

WENDY: THANK YOU INCREDIBLY CREEPY SEISMETOLOGIST QUAKING IN YOUR BOOTS BURNS!!!!