OPENING MONOLOGUE #170

LADIES AND GENTELMEN… WELCOME BACK TO COMFORT FOOD…WE WERE OFF LAST WEEK… AND IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK ON THE AIR…! AND I HAVE A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. YOUR HOST… ME… CHRIS TURNER…. HAS RECENTLY CHOSEN ONE OF THE SEXIEST MEN ON RADIO…

WE HAVE SOME FUN STUFF FOR YOU THIS WEEK ON COMFORT…

WENDY: WAIT! HOLD IT…WOAH!!!!

CHRIS: EXCUSE ME WENDY…

WENDY: COULD YOU REPEAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID…

CHRIS: SURE… EXCUSE ME WENDY….

WENDY: THAT PART ABOUT… I CAN’T BELIVE I AM SAYING THIS… YOU… CHRIS TURNER HAVE BEEN CHOSEN ONE OF THE SEXIEST MEN ON RADIO.

CHRIS: THAT IS RIGHT WENDY…. AMOUNG THE THOUSANDS OF MEN ON RADIO… I WAS CHOSEN AMOUNG THE SEXIEST… WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

WENDY: I THINK THAT IS… HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

CHRIS: WENDY!!! YOU SHOULD BE MORE RESPECTFUL…

WENDY: SORRY CHRIS…. AND NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT… I HAVE ANOTHER EMOTION WELLING UP IN ME….

CHRIS: IT MUST BE PRIDE… IS IT PRIDE…? YOU MUST BE PROUD OF ME.

WENDY: NO….. IT’S… NAUSEA! ARE YOU FEELING NAUSEA KIM?

KIM: AT FIRST I WAS … BUT NOW... IT’S JUST PITTY.

WENDY: PITTY?

KIM: I DIDN’T REALIZE THAT RADIO WAS IN SUCH A SORRY STATE. WHAT DO YOU THINK FRANK…

FRANK: EXCUSE ME….?

CHRIS: KIM WAS ASKING WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME BEING CHOSEN ONE OF RADIO’S SEXIEST MEN…. WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT IT.

FRANK: OH… I NEVER LISTEN TO THE SHOW….

CHRIS: YOU’RE THE AUDIO ENGINEER.

FRANK: I KNOW THAT…. AND IF YOU WANT ME TO STAY ON AS YOUR AUDIO ENGINEER…YOU WON’T MAKE ME LISTEN TO THE SHOW.

WENDY: OKAY FRANK…. HERE’S THE QUESTION… WHAT IS YOUR REACTION TO HEARING THAT CHRIS WAS CHOSEN ONE OF RADIO’S SEXIEST MEN…?

FRANK: MY… HONEST REACTION…?

WENDY: YES…

FRANK: I THINK IT’S ABOUT TIME…

WENDY: YOUR’E KIDDING…

KIM: YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING….

FRANK: I’M NOT KIDDING…

WENDY: YOU REALLY THINK CHRIS IS ONE OF THE SEXIEST MEN IN RADIO?

FRANK: OF COURSE NOT…!

WENDY: THEN WHY…….

FRANK: OH…..I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE WAS ONE OF THE SUCKIEST IN RADIO….

CHRIS: PEOPLE I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE!!!!

WENDY: CHRIS… HOW WERE YOU CHOSEN ONE OF THE SEXIEST MEN ON RADIO?

CHRIS: WELL WENDY… THE PEOPLE WHO WERE IN CHARGE OF THE LIST DID A WIDE CANVAS OF THE WHOLE COUNTRY… INTERVIEWS… LETTERS… REVIEWING PICTURES SENT IN…

WENDY: WHOSE PICTURE DID YOU SEND IN?

CHRIS: I SENT IN MINE… WITH A NICE NOTE…

WENDY: OKAY… WAIT… IN CHRIS SPEAK… SENDING IN A PICTURE AND A LETTER MEANS…. OKAY TURNER... HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU HAVE TO PAY THEM?

CHRIS: I DID NOT PAY A CENT….

WENDY: REALLY…YOU DIDN’T PAY A CENT.

CHRIS: NO... I JUST MADE A NICE DONATION….

WENDY: I SEE… AND HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO BE CHOSEN ONE OF THE SEXIEST MEN ON RADIO…

CHRIS: MORE THAN YOU WOULD IMAGINE.

WENDY: CHRIS… I CAN’T BELIVE YOU PAID TO BE ON THE LIST.

CHRIS: I DIDN’T “TECHNICALLY” PAY TO BE ON THE LIST…LIKE I SAID… I MADE A DONATION TO A VERY WORTH ORGANIZATION.

WENDY: AND WHAT WOULD THAT ORGANIZATION’S NAME BE?

CHRIS: THE… EMBLEM SCHOOL FOR THE BLIND.

WENDY: THE EMBLEM SCHOOL FOR THE BLIND CHOSE YOU ONE OF THE SEXIEST MEN ON RADIO…

CHRIS: YES….

WENDY: HOW…HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE…?

CHRIS: APPARENTLY… MY FACE TRANSLATES VERY WELL IN BRAILLE.

WENDY: YOU SENT A BRAILLE PHOTO OF YOURSELF…

CHRIS: TECHNICALLY… YES…..

WENDY: WHAT DO YOU MEAN “TECHNICALLY” YES…?

CHRIS: WELL… I SENT THEM A PHOTO.

WENDY: OF YOURSELF…?

CHRIS: TECHNICALLY…

WENDY: LEAVE OUT THE TECHNICALLY……

CHRIS: I WAS IN THE PHOTO…..

WENDY: AND WAS THERE SOMEONE ELSE IN THE PHOTO…

CHRIS: YES THERE WAS…

WENDY: AND WHO ELSE WAS IN THE PHOTO…. BRAD PITT, GEORGE CLOONEY… FABIO….. YOU PROBABLY PHOTOSHOPPED IN ON YOUR COMPUTER...

CHRIS: IT WAS NOT A PHOTO SHOP PICTURE… IT WAS A REAL PICTURE…

WENDY: SO WHO WAS ON IT?

CHRIS: IT WAS A PICTURE OF ME AND FRANK.

WENDY: YOU AND FRANK!

KIM: YOU AND FRANK!

FRANK: YOU AND THAT HANDSOME DEVIL!!!!!

CHRIS: YES… IT WAS A PICTURE FROM THE COMFORT FOOD CHRISTMAS PARTY.

WENDY: WHAT COMFORT FOOD CHRISTMAS PARTY?

CHRIS: YOU KNOW… THE PARTY WE HAD UP AT MY HOUSE LAST MONTH.

WENDY: OH… YES… I REMEMBER NOW… TECHNICALLY WE WERE INVITED.

CHRIS: WHAT DO YOU MEAN…? TECHNICALLY…?

WENDY: WELL… WE WERE INVITED… TO WORK! KIM AND I HAD TO SERVE FOOD… AND FRANK HAD TO PARK CARS…

CHRIS: I DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD MIND HELPING OUT RENE AND ME.

KIM: WE NEVER MIND HELPING RENE CHRIS…

WENDY: YEAH SHE’S SWEET… BUT… HELPING YOU OUT IS DIFFERENT.

CHRIS: HOW SO?

KIM: YOU USED A WHIP TO KEEP US MOVING!!!!

CHRIS: OH THAT WAS JUST A PALOR TRICK, TO ENTERTAIN YOU GUESTS.

KIM: PARLOR TRICK… YOU MADE ME HOLD CANDY CANES IN MY MOUTH SO YOU COULD SNAP THEM OUT OF MY MOUTH.

CHRIS: WELL… I DIDN’T HIT YOU DID I?

KIM: YOU DIDN’T HIT THE CANDY CANES EITHER.

WENDY: AND FORMER MAYOR SEDAM WASN’T HAPPY WHEN YOU SNAPPED HIM.

CHRIS: OH… IT DIDN’T LEAVE MUCH OF A WELT.

WENDY: CHRIS! YOU HIT HIS UPPER LIP… HE COULDN’T USE ANY WORD WITH AN “R” OR AN “M”… HE HAS TO WISH EVERYONE A MEMMI CHISNASS”

CHRIS: I TOLD HIM I WAS SORRY…. I GOT HIM THAT ICE PACK. HE WAS OKAY WITH IT.

WENDY: YEAH... SURE…DO YOU REMEMBER THE LAST THING HE SAID…?

CHRIS: I … I DON’T RECALL…

KIM: I REMEMBER… YOU SAID YOU WERE SORRY AND ROGER SAID… LET ME SEE… WHAT DID HE SAY HIM…?

WENDY: HE SAID… “KISS NY…”

CHRIS: SO… I WAS CHOSEN ONE OF THE SEXIEST MEN ON RADIO!!

WENDY: WHAT NUMBER WERE YOU….ON THE LIST.

CHRIS: I WAS NUMBER TWO

WENDY: WHO WAS NUMBER ONE?

CHRIS: I DON’T THINK THAT’S IMPORTANT….

KIM: COME ON CHRIS…. WHO….DID THE EMBLEM SCHOOL FOR THE BLIND VOTE THE SEXIEST MAN ON RADIO….

CHRIS: WELL… IF YOU HAVE TO KNOW…. THEY ISSUED THEIR LIST… AND AT THE TOP OF THE LIST IT READ…


COMFORT FOOD IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE BIG HORN RADIO NETWORK ON KODI 1400 AM AND KZMQ 1140 AM FROM 9-10 AM SATURDAY MORNINGS …. LIVE FROM THE WORLD FAMOUS IRMA HOTEL WHERE HISTORY, GREAT FOOD, AND GREAT ROOMS COLLIDE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT! OH... AND DON’T FORGET TO GO TO OUR WEBSITE COMFORTFOODRADIO.COM AND SIGN UP FOR OUR PODCASTING DOWLOADS... IT’S FREE!!!! AND IF YOU WANT TO ADD ZIP TO YOUR COMMERCIAL ADDS… CONTACT ME CHRIS TURNER AT 587 9989… YOU HAVE THE PRODUCT … I HAVE THE VOICE TO SELL IT!

WENDY: CHRIS!!! WHO DID THE EMBLEM SCHOOL FOR THE BLIND VOTE THE SEXIEST MAN ON RADIO…..!!!

CHRIS: FRANK.

WENDY/KIM: FRANK!!!!

CHRIS: YES…ACCORDING TO THE FOLKS AT THE SCHOOL… USING THE BRAILLE SYSTEM…FRANK… FEELS MORE HANDSOME THAN I DO.

WENDY: FRANK… HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

FRANK: I FEEL… I FEEL… I FEEL PRETTY!

KIM: HEY… WENDY… YOU KNOW THAT NAUSEA FEELING WE FELT EARLIER…

WENDY: YEAH…

KIM: IT’S BACK!

WENDY: I KNOW… I FEEL SICKY!



BIG HORN RADIO NETWORK…

THE FOLLOWING IS A MESSAGE FROM THE BIG HORN RADIO NETWORK.

WELL… TURNER IS BACK ON THE RADIO….

WE WERE FREE OF HIM FOR A WHOLE WEEK! ONE BEAUTIFUL … PEACEFUL WEEK!

NOW… THE RUMORS THAT TURNER WAS SOMEWHERE BENEATH THE ICE AT THE RESEVOIR HAVE BEEN DISSPELLED…

BY THE WAY… IF ANY OF YOU EVER HAPPEN TO… BUMP SOMEONE THROUGH INTO ICE FISHING HOLE… MAKE SURE IT’S NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO CLIMB OUT OF… TRUST ME ON THIS PEOPLE.

WE HAVE RECEIVED SEVERAL INQUIRIES ABOUT MR. TURNER’S ABSENSE… SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH… SOME OF YOU MISSED HIM. I NEVER REALIZED CHRIS HAD SO MANY RELATIVES IN THE AREA…

BUT WE RECEIVED THE MOST INQUIRIES FROM THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA… WHERE MR. TURNER WAS VISITING AND WHERE HE WAS BORN…

HERE’S ONE OF THEM…

“TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN IN THE STATE OF WYOMING…. LOOK… WE GOT RID OF THIS GUY BACK IN 1980… THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA HAS HAD AGREEMENTS WITH THE 12 STATES AND 4 COUNTRIES HE’S LIVED IN SINCE…WE SHIP YOU 75,000 GALLONS OF REFINED OIL…A MONTH… FOR 27 YEARS. IS WYOMING SO OIL RICH YOU CAN’T USE A LITTLE EXTRA… TELL YOU WHAT…. IF YOU TAKE TURNER BACK… WE’LL SEND HEISMAN TROPHY WINNER SAM BRADFORD WITH HIM…. WE’RE SURE… THE UNIV. OF WYOMING WOULD LOVE TO HAVE SAM…

JUST THINK ABOUT IT….. BRAD HENRY, GOVERNOR OF WYOMING.

UNFORTUNATELY… TURNER RETURNED TO WYOMING BEFORE WE COULD COMPLETE THE DEAL……….

SO WELCOME BACK CHRIS…. OH… AND BY THE WAY... THE UNIVERSITY OF WYOMING FOOTBALL TEAM WILL BE STOPPING BY TO… THEY REALLY REALLY WANT TO WELCOME YOU BACK!!!!!!

THANK YOU....HAVE A NICE DAY.
WESTERN MOMENT--COWS

MUSIC

CHRIS: AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR A TRUE WESTERN MOMENT… WE LOOK BACK TO THE PAST AND RE-LIVE WHAT IT WAS LIKE IN THE GRAND OLD WEST.

TODAY…. A MOMENT IN DODGE CITY… KING OF THE COW TOWNS…

SOUND EFFECT COWS….

CHRIS: WELL LEFTY… ANOTHER TRAIL HERD IS IN TOWN….

FRANK: THEY SURE ARE RIGHTY…….

CHRIS: MUST BE OVER A THOUSAND IN THIS HERD…

FRANK: A THOUSAND EASY…..

CHRIS: WHY DO THEY HAVE TO RUN THEM STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN….?

FRANK: FASTEST WAY TO THE COW PENS I GUESS…..

CHRIS: WELL… THERE’S THE LAST ONE….

FRANK: TIME TO GO TO WORK….

SOUND EFFECT SHOVEL….

FRANK: I HATE THIS JOB….

CHRIS: ME TOO… AND WHY DO THEY HAVE TO EAT SO MUCH!!!

FRANK: AND WHY CAN’T THEY RETURN IT WHERE THEY FOUND IT!!!

MUSIC

CHRIS: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER… TRUE WESTERN MOMENT!!!!

THE LONE MOMMY

MUSIC…. THEME

WENDY: HI YO MOMMY… AWAY!!!!

TOM: A FIREY MINI VAN, A CLOUD OF DUST AND A HEARTY HI HO MOMMY!!!

IT’S THE LONE MOMMY!!!!

MUSIC THEME

THOM: WITH HER FAITHFUL COMPANION…MARGE… THE LONE MOMMY RIDES ACROSS THE LAND…. BEHIND THE WHEEL OF HER 1999 GREY DODGE CARAVAN NAMED…BRUCE… SHE FIGHTS THE FORCES OF EVIL … ANTI CAULIFLOWER, DIAPER CRISIS’ AND AUNTIE CAROL WHO SEEMS TO ALWAYS, ALWAYS DO EVERYTHING BETTER HER… SHE FIGHTS THE NEVER ENDING BATTLE OF BURNT CASEROLES, SKINNED KNEES AND CARPET STAINS NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN…

WENDY: HI HO MOMMY….. AWAY… DON’T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH!!!!!!!

THOM: TODAY’S ADVENTURE…. THE BIG JUICE BOX CAPER!

AS WE LOOK IN ON THE LONE MOMMY… SHE AND MARGE ARE RIDING IN BRUCE THEIR DODGE CARAVAN….

WENDY: LOOK MARGE…. IN THAT PARK…THAT POOR WOMAN AND ALL THOSE CRYING CHILDREN

CHRIS: HMMMMM LOOK LIKE… SHE NEEDS OUR HELP.

WENDY: YES… THIS IS A JOB FOR THE LONE MOMMY…. STOP THE VAN… LET’S SEE IF SHE NEEDS HELP.

CAR COMES TO A HAULT

WENDY: CAN I BE OF SERVICE TO YOU MAM?

KIM: OH WELL… MAYBE... I DON’T KNOW… WE RAN OUT OF JUICE BOXES AND THE KIDS ARE STILL THIRSTY… AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO AND… WHY… ARE YOU WEARING A MASK?

WENDY: I HAVE A COMPLEXTION PROBLEM….THIS DRY WYOMING WEATHER.

KIM: YOU SHOULD TRY AVERA… NATURAL HONEY MIX I LOVE IT.

WENDY: THANK YOU…. SO…YOU’RE OUT OF JUICE BOXES… I CAN REMEMDY THAT... MARGE... BREAK OUT THE JUICE BOXES….

CHRIS: YES... KEMO-MOMMY….

KIM: YOUR NAME IS… MARGE…?

CHRIS: YES… THAT MY NAME…

KIM: BUT YOU’RE A … A GUY.

WENDY: MARGE HAS ISSUES…

KIM: OH… I SEE.

WENDY: HERE … WE HAVE APPLE… CRANBERRY… GRAPE… AND THE SPECIAL JUICE BOX.

KIM: THE SPECIAL JUICE BOX?

WENDY: YES… IT HAS VODKA IN IT.

KIM: IS THAT ONE FOR ME…?

WENDY: IT CAN BE… IT ALL DEPENDS.

KIM: DEPENDS ON WHAT?

WENDY: IF YOU THINK YOU NEED IT MORE THAN YOUR KIDS.

KIM: YOU WOULD GIVE ALCHOL TO CHILDREN!?

WENDY: IT’S EITHER THAT OR YOU CAN PUT UP WITH THIS NOISE FOR ANOTHER 2 HOURS….

KIDS SCREAMING!

KIM: HMMM CAN YOU GIVE THEM DOUBLES?

WENDY: SURE… BECAUSE I AM…. THE LONE MOMMY!!!

CHRIS: LONE MOMMY…. I SEE SMOKE SIGNAL… IT ASKING FOR HELP.

WENDY: THANKS MARGE…. HI HO MOMMY AWAY!!!!!!!!

SOUND EFFECT TRAVELING MUSIC

WENDY: WOAWHHH BRUCE……..DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE MARGE…

CHRIS: HMMMMMM I SEE MAN…. SMOKING CIGARETTE…

WENDY: AND HE’S DOING IT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CHILDREN’S BIRTHDAY PARTY… STAND BACK MARGE… I’M TAKING HIM DOWN….

YOU… YOU HEY YOU!!!!!

FRANK: YEAH WHAT DO YOU WANT…?

WENDY: PUT OUT THAT CIGARETTE IMMEDITELY… THERE ARE CHILDREN AROUND.

FRANK: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS... HEY WHY THE MASK….?

WENDY: SO YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY ME WHEN I DO… THIS!!

FRANK: OUHHH OWWW… OH…. OWWWW!!!!

SOUND EFFECT FIGHT…

WENDY: I BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOUR STERNUM COULD CRACK LIKE THAT!!!

CHRIS: I LIKE HOW YOU STOP HIM THROWING PUNCH BY KNEE TO HIS… HAPPY PLACE.

WENDY: AND HAVE YOU NOTICED THE CUTE GASPING SOUND HE IS MAKING BECAUSE I HAVE ALL OF MY BODY WEIGHT ON HIS THROAT?

FRANK: GASSSSPPPPPP GASSSSSSPPPP

WENDY: SIR I AM SORRY I TO HAVE HAD TO THAT BUT…. SIR… SIR.. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME…?

FRANK: GASSSSPPPPPPP GASSSSPPPP

CHRIS: HMMM HIM… TURNING LOVELY SHADE OF PURPLE…

WENDY: YES… HE’S SORT OF … OF… YOU KNOW THOSE FLANNEL SHEETS I HAVE IN MY GUEST BED ROOM?

CHRIS: HHMMMM THE LAVENDER ONES..?

WENDY: YES… HE’S THAT SORT OF COLOR.

FRANK: GAAAAASSSSPPPPPP

WENDY: SIR… THE HEALTH OF OUR CHILDREN CAN NEVER BE ENDGANGERED… YOU MUSTN’T SMOKE ANYWHERE NEAR OUR YOUNG ONES. THEIR LITTLE LUNGS ARE STILL FORMING AND GROW STRONGER EVERYDAY…DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

FRANK: GASSSSPPPP YEEEESSSSSS

WENDY: I AM GOING TO GET UP NOW… THERE…. ISN’T THAT BETTER?

FRANK: GASSSSSSSPPPPPP THOSE…PANT’S YOU’RE WEARING THEY… MUST WEIGH A TON!!!

WENDY: WELL…. MY MOMMY JEANS ARE MADE OF KEVLAR… THE REST OF THE WEIGHT IS HAPPY MEALS….THE KIDS LOVE THOSE TOYS…. NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND...? NO MORE SMOKING AROUND THE CHILDREN…. AM I RIGHT?

FRANK: WELL I….

CHRIS: HMMM HIM NEED MORE CONVINCING…

WENDY: I THINK YOU’RE RIGHT MARGE….

FRANK: WHAT… WHAT’S THAT RUBBER THING…IN YOUR HAND…..?

WENDY: ARE YOU FEELING…. CONSTIPATED?

FRANK: NO!!! NO!!! I’LL STOP SMOKING… I WILL I PROMISE!

WENDY: OH… GOOD…. NOW… HERE’S A CARROT STICK….

FRANK: A… A CARROT STICK WHY….?

WENDY: ARE YOU SURE YOU AREN’T…A LITTLE… PLUGGED UP?

FRANK: I LOVE CARROT STICKS!!!!

WENDY: GREAT… WELL MARGE…. OUR WORK HERE IS DONE.

CHRIS: HMMM YOU DONE GOOD LONE MOMMY!!!!!

WENDY: THEN I AM OFF!!!! HI HO BRUCE….. AWAY!!!!!!

FRANK: WHO WAS THAT MASKED WOMAN IN THE MINIVAN?

CHRIS: THAT… WAS THE LONE MOMMY.

FRANK: I WOULD HATE TO MEET THE LONE DADDY!!!!

CHRIS: HMMMMMM HIM… HOT!!! AND HE KEEPS A NICE LAWN TOO.

TOM: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN THE LONE MOMMY SAYS…..

WENDY: MARGE… WE HAVE TO GET TO THE SOCCER PARK IMMEDIATELY… THERE’S A MOTHER THERE WITH 12 SOCCER PLAYERS AND SHE DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH GAS TO GET TO PIZZA ON THE RUN!

CHRIS: HMMMM THAT… BAD…

WENDY: MARGE….. IF YOU DON’T MIND ME ASKING… ARE YOU SURE… YOU’RE A WOMAN?

CHRIS: HMMMM YES… I GET VERY IRRITABLE EVERY 28 DAYS…

WENDY: THAT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME….. HI HO BRUCE… AWAY!!!! I TOLD YOU… DON’T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH... YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE… IT’S BEEEEEEEENNNN!!!

MUSIC


COMFORT FOOD EDITORIAL—SNOW

MUSIC

CHRIS: THE FOLLOWING IS A COMFORT FOOD EDITORIAL

WENDY: I LIKE SNOW….

CHRIS: WENDY… THAT ISN’T AN EDITORIAL… AN EDITORIAL HAS TO HAVE CONTROVERSY.

WENDY: OKAY... LET ME TRY IT AGAIN…

MUSIC

CHRIS: THE FOLLOWING IS A COMFORT FOOD EDITORIAL

WENDY: I LIKE SNOW….BUT IT’S TOO COLD.

CHRIS: NO... NO... YOU NEED TO ALSO THROW IN SOMTHING POSITIVE….

WENDY: OKAY… LET ME TRY IT AGAIN….

MUSIC

CHRIS: THE FOLLOWING IS A COMFORT FOOD EDITORIAL

WENDY: I LIKE SNOW….DESPITE BEING COLD… IT’S PRETTY AND WHITE.

CHRIS: NO... NO… NO... YOU HAVE TO… MIX IT UP A BIT… YOU KNOW… PUT SOME DRAMA IN IT…

WENDY: HMMMM OKAY… I THINK I’VE GOT IT….

MUSIC

CHRIS: THE FOLLOWING IS A COMFORT FOOD EDITORIAL

WENDY: EVERYONE FLEE SOUTH!!!! A NEW ICE AGE IS COMING!!!!! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES OR YOU WILL ALL BE COVERED WITH “THE WHITE MOISTURE OF DEATH!!!!”

CHRIS: NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!!

MUSIC

CHRIS: THIS HAS BEEN A COMFORT FOOD EDITORIAL!


DIVING BELL BURNS

GOOD MORNING.. THIS IS COMFORT FOOD SPECIAL COORESPONDANT WENDY CORR…

YELLOWSTONE LAKE HAS IN THE LAST SEVERAL YEARS… BECOME OVERRUN BY LAKE TROUT…

THIS MAY NOT SOUND LIKE A THREAT TO MANY OF YOU… BUT… LAKE TROUT ARE NOT INDIGENOUS TO YELLOWSTONE LAKE AND THEY ARE THREATENING THE CUT-THROUT TROUT WHO ARE INDIEGNOUS TO YELLOWSTONE LAKE….OH…AND THIS SPECIAL NOTE… NEVER BET CHRIS TURNER $20 HE CAN’T USE THE WORD INDIGENOUS TWICE IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

JOINING US TODAY IS WELL KNOWN ICKTHEOLOGIST DR. LARRY, DIVING BELL, BURNS WHO WILL TELL US ABOUT THE SITUATION.

WENDY: DR… WHAT ARE YOU USING TO COMBAT THE INVADING LAKE TROUT?

CHRIS: AH AH AH AH… TARTER SAUCE… AND PLEASE CALL ME DIVING BELL.

WENDY: BUT… DR…. DR IS EASIER TO SAY.

CHRIS: I KNOW…

WENDY: YOU ARE USING TARTER SAUCE TO FIGHT THE LAKE TROUT..

CHRIS: AND DRAWN BUTTER… THEY HATE THAT STUFF.

WENDY: REALLY?

CHRIS: AH, AH, AH… NO... THAT IS JUST A LITTLE JOKE WE HAVE.

WENDY: SO… WHAT ARE YOU COMBATING THE LAKE TROUT WITH…

CHRIS: AH, AH A FILLET KNIFE… HAAAAAA THAT’S ANOTHER LITTLE JOKE OF OURS.

WENDY: I HAD NO IDEA ICKETHOLOGISTS WERE SUCH COMEDIANS.

CHRIS: AH, AH, AH... YOU THINK I’M FUNNY?

WENDY: NOT AT ALL… SO… LET’S GET BACK TO THIS WHOLE LAKE TROUT INVASION… WHAT ARE YOU PROPOSING TO DO.?

CHRIS: WELL… WE... WE… WE... I HAVE DEVELOPED A UNIQUE PLAN TO COMBAT THE LAKE TROUT…

WENDY: AND WHAT IS THAT…

CHRIS: I AM GOING TO USE JELLO ON THEM.

WENDY: LOOK… THE TARTER SAUCE WAS A LITTLE FUNNY… THE DRAWN BUTTER WAS PUSHING IT… BUT… JELLO… I’M SORRY DIVING BELL BUT THAT ISN’T FUNNY.

CHRIS: AH ,AH, AH NO SERIOUSLY… WE ARE GOING TO USE JELLO TO COMBAT THE LAKE TROUT…

WENDY: OKAY I’LL BITE…..

CHRIS: HAHA HA HA... THAT’S A GOOD ONE… CAN I USE THAT?

WENDY: WHAT I MEAN IS... HOW ARE YOU GOING TO USE THE JELLO?

CHRIS: OH... THE FIRST ONE YOU SAID WAS FUNNY… THE SECOND ONE... NOT SO MUCH.

WENDY: I AM NOT TELLING A JOKE... HOW IS JELLO GOING TO RID THE LAKE OF LAKE TROUT?

CHRIS: OH... OH... WELL… AH, AH, AH... WE DROP THE JELLO ON THE EGGS OF THE LAKE TROUT....

WENDY: REALLY… WHAT DOES THAT DO…?

CHRIS: SMOTHERS THE TASTE OF THEM…..

WENDY: SMOTHERS THE TASTE OF THEM…..?

CHRIS: THAT’S WHAT I SAID... THAT’S WHAT I SAID... THAT’S WHAT THE MAN SAID….. THAT’S WHAT HE SAID.

WENDY: WHY DO YOU WANT TO SMOTHER THE TASTE OF THE FISH EGGS?

CHRIS: HAVE YOU EVER TASTED THOSE THINGS!! THEY’RE TERRIBLE.

WENDY: WAIT… THIS DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE…

CHRIS: THANK YOU…….IT’S A FEDERAL PROGRAM.

WENDY: YOU WANT TO SMOTHER THE TASTE OF LAKE TROUT EGGS WITH JELLO…..

CHRIS: WELL… AH, AH, AH, AH ACTUALLY WE JUST WANT TO SMOTHER THE EGGS… JELLO CAN KILL ANYTHING….

WENDY: HOW SO?

CHRIS: WELL YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING… EVERYTHING GOES WITH JELLO.

WENDY: YES… SO?

CHRIS: WELL AH AH, AH… GOES.. YOU KNOW DIES…

WENDY: NO… DIVING BELL…WHEN THEY SAY EVERYTHING GOES WITH JELLO… THEY MEAN… IT COPLIMENTS IT.

CHRIS: WELL… LADY… I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU’VE BEEN HANGING OUT BUT… I HAVE NEVER HEARD ANYONE COMPLIMENT JELLO.

WENDY: NO…. NOT COMPLIMENT AS IN... THIS IS GOOD… COMPLIMENT AS IN… IT IS IN HARMONY WITH…

CHRIS: AH, AH, AH, AH… OH YEAH... I GOT IT... I GOT IT…NO… I DON’T GOT IT….. I’VE NEVER HEARD JELLO SING... MUCH LESS HARMONIZE. THAT MUST BE SOME KIND OF NEW MUSIC…

WENDY: NO…NO… WHEN THEY SAY JELLO GOES WITH SOMETHING THEY MEAN… THAT IT TASTES GOOD WITH IT….

CHRIS: LIKE HAMBURGERS… AND HOT DOGS….

WENDY: YES… THAT COULD WORK…

CHRIS: AND MEAT LOAF AND TURKEY…

WENDY: SURE... WHY NOT.

CHRIS: IN MY FAMILY...WE USUALLY JUST PUT FRUIT IN JELLO… NEVER HAMBURGERS… OR MEATLOAF…

WENDY: NO...NO…WHERE WAS I? OH YEAH… SO… JELLO KILLS FISH EGGS… WOW… WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED…? DO YOU KNOW WHAT FLAVOR YOU ARE GOING USE?

CHRIS: WE... WE… WE…I WAS THINKING LIME…..2 OR 3 THOUSAND BOXES SHOULD DO IT.

WENDY: 2 OR THREE THOUSAND BOXES OF LIME JELLO! BLEEECHHH!!!

CHRIS: DO YOU REALLY THINK THE WORLD IS GOING TO MISS A COUPLE OF THOUSAND BOXES OF LIME JELLO?

WENDY: GOOD POINT! WELL... THANK YOU WORLD FAMOUS ICKTHEOLOGIST DR DIVING BELL BURNS….

CHRIS: AH, AH, AH THANKS… I HAVE TO GO… WE’RE FEEDING PUDDING TO THE WALLEYE IN THE BUFFALO BILL RESEVOIR…

WENDY: OH.. REALLY… I’VE HEARD THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH WALLEYE TAKING OVER THE RESEVOIR… IS THE PUDDING GOING TO KILL THEM?

CHRIS: AH, AH, AH… I HOPE NOT

WENDY: THEN WHY ARE YOU GIVING IT TO THEM?

CHRIS: I JUST LIKE FEEDING PUDDING TO WALLEYE… IT’S MY THING.

WENDY: THANK YOU DIVING BELL BURNS!