OPENING MONOLOUGE SHOW #15

WELCOME BACK EVERYONE FOR ANOTHER PLATE FULL OF COMFORT FOOD.

I AM REALLY HAPPY TO HAVE DOUBLE SHOT BACK, MAUREEN AND WENDY… THEY WERE OUR VERY FIRST MUSICAL GUESTS BACK WHEN THE SHOW STARTED 4 MONTHS AGO… WELCOME BACK MY FRIENDS.

WE ALSO HAVE MY DENTIST… DR. BRUCE WASSERMAN WHO ALONG WITH BEING A GREAT DENTIST IS ALSO A TALENTED POET…. HE IS GOING TO SHARE SOME OF HIS ORIGINAL POETRY WITH US.

REMEMBER… ALWAYS…ALWAYS SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT YOUR DENTIST…IT PAYS OFF HUGE.

WE TOOK OUR CHRISTMAS TREE DOWN AT THE ALAMO RANCH. WE HAD A BIT OF A DISCUSSION ABOUT IT. YOU SEE, MY LOVELY WIFE RENE THINKS IT IS BAD LUCK TO LEAVE THE TREE UP PAST NEW YEARS AND I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS BAD LUCK TO LEAVE IT UP PAST …EASTER… SO WE COMPROMISED AND TOOK IT DOWN THE DAY AFTER NEW YEARS…. SCORE THAT AS A VICTORY FOR MEN!

I WAS READING OVER SOME OF THE ODD NEWS STORIES THIS PAST YEAR AND I WAS SURPRISED TO FIND SO MANY IN…. LANDER.

HERE ARE JUST A FEW.

A PET RATTLESNAKE BIT ITS EXTREMELY DRUNK OWNER ON THE FINGER WHILE THE MAN WAS PLAYFULLY … FLICKING ITS HEAD, THEN BIT HIM LATER ON THE LIP AND TOUNGE AFTER HE ATTEMPTED TO KISS IT.

LUCKILY, THE SNAKE DID NOT INJECT ANY VENOM WHEN HE BIT BUT… AS A LOCAL POLICE OFFICER IS QUOTED SAYING:

“I BET THE SNAKE WOKE UP WITH A HANGOVER AND RATTLESNAKE BOB
WOKE UP WONDERING WHO PIERCED HIS LIP AND TOUNGE.

MAKES YAH KIND OF NERVOUS ABOUT SHAKING HANDS WITH ANYONE NAMED BOB IN LANDER DOESN’T IT.

VAMPIRES IN LANDER

A LANDER MAN TOLD POLICE LAST YEAR THAT PEOPLE LIVING NEAR HIM ONLY COME OUT AT NIGHT AND ALWAYS DRESSED IN BLACK. HE SAID THE HOUSE IS ALWAYS BOARDED UP WITH GRAFITTI WRITTEN ALL OVER IT. HE TOLD THE POLICE HIS NEIGHBORS HAD JUST WALKED PAST HIM CARRYING LONG OBJECTS AND WHEN HE GREETED THEM, THEY JUST GRUNTED. HE WAS CONCERNED THAT THINGS GOING ON IN THE HOUSE …”JUST AINT RIGHT”. WELL… IT AINT!

AND FINALLY…IN LANDER…

LANDER POLICE RECEIVED A CALL LAST YEAR FROM A RESIDENT COMPLAINING THAT THE NEIGHBORS GOATS WOULDN’T STAY OFF THEIR PROPERTY AND WERE… “JUMPING ON THE VEHICLES AND EVERYTHING ELSE.”

AND IF THAT ISNT ENOUGH… DOWN IN DOUGLAS A MAN CALLED THE POLICE AND REPORTED VARIOUS ITEMS WERE STOLEN FROM HIS TRUCK.
THE ITEMS INCLUDED… HIGH TOP LEATHER BOOTS, A LEATHER HALTER TOP WITH MATCHING G-STRING, A BLACK LEATHER VEST WITH LACE AND PURPLE BEADS, A BLACK LEATHER HALTER TOP WITH MATCHING SHORTS, A BALCK SUEDE ZIPPERED MINI SKIRT WITH MATCHING VEST, A BLACK LEATHER SKIRT MISSING A SEAM AND A 19 INCH COLOR TV…

I SURE MISS THAT TV.


I BET NO ONE HERE AT THE IRMA OR IN OUR LISTENING AUDIENCE WILL EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT LIVING IN PARK COUNTY EVER AGAIN!

NOW.. ON WITH THE SHOW!

REMEMBER…
TO TAKE A LOOK AT OUR GREAT WEBSITE…..
COMFORTFOODRADIO.COM…. THE SITE FEATURES ARTICLES, NOTES WRITTEN BY ME… THE LATEST BEAT REPORT…AND YOU CAN DOWNLOAD PAST SHOWS. TERRY AND SCOTT AT RICHBANK STUDIOS DID AN INCREDIBLE JOB….THATS WWW.COMFORT FOOD RADIO.COM


COMFORT FOOD IS BROUGHT TO YOU EVERYWEEK BY THE BIG HORN RADIO NETWORK ON KODI—1400 AM AND KZMQ 1140AM. WE ARE HERE 9-10AM LIVE FROM THE LOUNGE OF THE WONDERFUL AND HISTORIC IRMA HOTEL WHERE FOOD, LODGING AND HISTORY COLLIDE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT. AND DON’T FORGET THE SPECIAL BROADCAST BREAKFAST BUFFET ON SATURDAY’S IS ONLY $3.95 FOR SR. CITIZENS AND $3.95 FOR KIDS.



WYOMING BOWLS

I WAS WATCHING THE BOWL GAMES THIS WEEK, I LOVE COLLEGE FOOTBALL AND AFTER WATCHING THE COTTON BOWL, FIESTA BOWL, ORANGE BOWL, CAPITAL ONE BOWL… WHAT THE HELL IS THE CAPITAL ONE BOWL ANYWAY!!! I THOUGHT… WE THE PEOPLE OF WYOMING SHOULD HAVE A BOWL GAME HERE EVERY YEAR… THEN I THOUGHT “WHAT SHOULD WE CALL IT….?”

THESE ARE THE NAMES THAT CAME TO MIND….

START OFF EASY… THE BUFFALO BILL BOWL

NEXT THE “WE NAME EVERYTHING WE CAN AFTER BUFFALO BILL BOWL”

HOW ABOUT THE ‘EVERYONE WHO LIVES HERE HAS TWO JOBS” BOWL

THE “ITS COLDER THAN… WELL IT’S REALLY COLD’ BOWL

A POPULAR ONE WITH THE FARMERS AND RANCHERS WOULD BE
THE “WE COULD SURE USE MORE MOISTURE” BOWL

FOR OUR FRIENDS NEXT DOOR IN IDAHO THEY COULD HAVE THE ‘WE’RE MORE THAN JUST POTATOES WE GOT……OTHER STUFF” BOWL

OF COURSE THERE COULD BE THE GUST BOWL.

I THINK THE ‘MY HEELER LOOKS BETTER IN THE BACK OF MY TRUCK THAN YOURS LOOKS IN THE BACK OF YOUR TRUCK” BOWL WOULD BRING IN HUGE MONEY TO THE STATE. PETCO COULD SPONSOR THAT!

TO SHOW OUR STATE PRIDE WE COULD HAVE THE “WER’E LESS SQUARE SHAPED THAN COLORADO” BOWL

AND FINALLY WE WOULD HAVE TO THINK ABOUT HAVING:

… “THE MULIE BOWL”

OR…”THE WHITE TAILED DEER” BOWL

AND FINALLY “THE VENISON BOWL”

AND WHERE WOULD THE BOWL GAME BE PLAYED? THERE IS ONLY ONE PLACE THAT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE…

HAMILTON DOME!

EMBLEM MALL

CHRIS: NOW, I KNOW WE ON COMFORT FOOD POKE FUN AT EMBLEM, WYOMING EVERY NOW AND THEN. BUT, THE LITTLE TOWN OF 10 PEOPLE IS ABOUT TO BECOME A MAJOR COMMERCE CENTER.

THE MAGIC MEGA MALL CONSORTIUM HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO BUILD ONE OF THEIR HUNDRED-STORE MALLS IN THE CENTER OF ONE OF WYOMING’S SMALLEST TOWNS.

COMFORT FOOD’S ECONOMIC REPORTER BARRY BOTTOMLINE IS ON THE SCENE AND WE GO TO HIM LIVE…

CHRIS: BARRY, ARE YOU THERE.
THOM: YES. I AM HERE.
CHRIS: HERE AS IN HERE ON THE AIR OR HERE AS IN HERE IN EMBLEM.
THOM: HERE AS IN I AM AT THE THERE TO WHICH YOU SENT ME.
CHRIS: GOOD, WHAT IS THE SITUATION IN EMBLEM.
THOM: DESERTED, CHRIS… EXCEPT FOR THE MEGA MALL BOARD, THERE IS NO ONE AROUND.
CHRIS: WHO IS THERE FROM THE MEGA MALL BOARD BARRY?
THOM: THERE IS JED, TED, ED, PEG, AND MEG MEGA. THEY ARE ALL HERE.
CHRIS: HERE AS IN HERE IN EMBLEM OR HERE AS IN HERE AT THE MICROPHONE WITH YOU?
THOM: HERE AS IN HERE!! WHY DID I EVER LEAVE MSNBC.
CHRIS: NOW, YOU SAY THE TOWN IS DESERTED, BARRY… WHAT’S THE SCOOP?
THOM: THE SCOOP IS… NO ONE IS HERE.
CHRIS: HERE AS IN HERE IN EMBLEM OR HERE…..
THOM: DON’T START WITH ME, PAL!!!
CHRIS: SORRY, BARRY… SO NO ONE CAN FIND ANYONE… THERE.
THOM: THAT’S RIGHT, CHRIS. WE HAVE BEEN TO THE CHURCH, THE OLD STORE, EVEN SOME OF THE FARM HOUSES AND WE CAN’T FIND A SOUL HERE—DON’T SAY IT.
CHRIS: ANY IDEA WHERE THEY MIGHT BE?
THOM: NO IDEA, CHRIS. THE MEGAS MADE ARRANGEMENTS TO MEET WITH THE TOWN COUNCIL AND THE OTHER 8 CITIZENS BUT WHEN THEY ARRIVED… IT WAS DESERTED.
CHRIS: WHO IS ON THE TOWN COUNCIL THERE, BARRY.
THOM: BILL AND PHIL BOWER, NO RELATION.
CHRIS: NO RELATION TO YOU?
THOM: NO RELATION TO EACH OTHER I AM SENDING RESUME’S OUT TOMORROW AS GOD IS MY WITNESS.
CHRIS: IS THERE ANY SIGN THAT THERE MAY HAVE BEEN SOMEONE THERE?
THOM: WELL, CHRIS, THAT IS THE BIZARRE PART. THE BUILDINGS AND FARMS ARE ONLY A FAÇADE… THEY ARE JUST PROPPED UP, FAKE FRONTS WITH NOTHING BEHIND THEM.
CHRIS: I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS FAÇADE (FAY-KADE).
THOM: (SIGH) NO CHRIS… ITS FAÇADE… IT’S FRENCH.
CHRIS: SO EMBLEM DOESN’T REALLY EXIST, BARRY? IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE TELLING ME?
THOM: THAT’S RIGHT, CHRIS. IT’S ALL A FAÇADE. THERE ARE NO BUILDINGS, NO CHURCH, NO NOTHING.
CHRIS: ARE YOU SURE IT’S NOT FAÇADE (FAY-KADE)
THOM: IT’S FAÇADE, YOU DOLT!
CHRIS: OH.. OKAY…
THOM: WAIT.. A WOMAN HAS SHOWN UP… SHE IS WALKING UP TO THE MEGAS. I WILL TRY TO HEAR WHAT SHE IS SAYING.
CHRIS: HERE AS IN HERE IN EMBLEM OR HEAR AS IN HEAR IN THE EAR?
THOM: HEAR… EAR… HEAR… HEAR AND IN HEARD.
CHRIS: I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY, BARRY. WHAT IS SHE SAYING?
THOM: SHE SAYS…THE EMBLEMITES ARE VERY SHY. THAT… THEY DON’T WANT THE MALL… NOTHING IS FOR SALE AND… TO PLEASE LEAVE.
CHRIS: DID YOU GET A NAME FROM HER….
THOM: WAIT.. I WILL TRY TO GET ONE…MA’AM? MA’AM? WHAT IS YOUR NAME…….YOUR NAME……. .. OH……… I SEE….. THANK YOU.
CHRIS: WHAT IS HER NAME BARRY?
THOM: ITS NOT IMPORTANT….THE TOWN ISNT FOR SALE
CHRIS: THE NAME BARRY..WHAT IS HER NAME!
THOM: (SIIIIGH) IT’S…….. FAYE…. KADE…..SHE’S THE MAYOR.
CHRIS: ah-HA!!!!!
THOM: WELL…THAT’S IT FROM HERE IN BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN EMBLEM.
CHRIS: IS THAT IT “HERE” AS IN “HERE IN EMBLEM” OR AS IN “YOU CAN HEAR ME IN EMBLEM”??
THOM: IF ONLY I COULDN’T, CHRIS.
CHRIS: THANK YOU BARRY BOTTOMLINE FOR THAT LIVE REPORT, HEEEEERE ON COMFORT FOOD!!!
THOM: IS THAT “HERE” AS IN “HEAR ME ON COMFORT FOOD” OR AS IN “HERE ON THE PROGRAM CALLED ‘COMFORT FOOD’”??
CHRIS: OH, STUFF A SOCK IN IT, BARRY.
MILFORD THE MOOSE #1

HELLO, I AM MILFORD THE MOOSE AND I AM HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT… MULE DEER….

NO I’M NOT!!! I COULDN’T GIVE A PHESANTS FANNY FOR THOSE THINGS!

I AM HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT MOOSE… OR IF YOU WANT TO SAY IT PROPERLY… MEESES.

WE ARE PRETTY UPSET WITH COMFORT FOOD.

YOU ALL HAVE HEARD FROM MULE DEER, WHITE TAILED DEER, BEARS, WOLVES…JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY BUT US… WELL WE HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

SPPPPPPPPPPPPP(TOUNGE TROUGH LIPS)

THANK YOU.

WATERSLIDE MOVE


AND THIS JUST IN!!!

THE WATERSLIDE THAT WAS TORN DOWN LAST YEAR AND REMOVED FROM THE WEST STRIP HAS SUDDENLY REAPEARED AT THE HEADQUARTER OFFICES OF THE COPPERLEAF SUBDIVISION. A COPPERLEAF SPOKESMAN WAS HEARD TO MUTTER:

“MAN! CANT WE JUST EVER GET A BREAK!!”