HALLOWEEN RULES FOR PARENTS.

YOU PARENTS OUT THERE HAVE, I AM SURE, SCHOOLED YOUR KIDS IN ALL THE RULES OF TRICK OR TREATING. ALWAYS SAFETY FIRST, ALWAYS SAY THANK YOU, ALWAYS WALK WITH A FLASH LIGHT. BASIC COMMON SENSE RULES OF THE NIGHT.

WENDY: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… AS MUCH AS I HATE TO SAY THIS…. CHRIS IS RIGHT….. MAN … THAT WAS PAINFUL.

CHRIS: THANK YOU WENDY….NOW PARENTS, YOUR KIDS HAVE ASKED ME TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT SOME RULES YOU…. HAVE TO FOLLOW.

CHRIS: PARENTS PLEASE DON’T DRESS IN MATCHING COSTUMES WITH YOUR CHILD. THIS WAS FINE WHEN HE WAS 4 BUT NOW… AT 31 ITS EMBARRASING TO HIM. AND IF HE IS TRICK OR TREATING AT 31, HE HAS ENOUGH ISSUES.

WENDY: I KNOW THIS IS HARD PARENT… BUT…LEAVE THE MINI SNICKERS ALONE! THEY ARE FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

CHRIS: DON’T START A CONVERSATION WITH THE PERSON HANDING OUT THE TREATS, IT TAKES UP TOO MUCH VALUABLE TREAT TIME AND WHO CARES WHAT MRS SNITTLE HAD LIFTED… SHEESH!

WENDY: FOR YOU PARENTS HANDING OUT TREATS…SOUP IS NOT A TREAT!

CHRIS: OH AND PARENTS… DON’T DRESS YOU KID UP IN A LITTLE TANNENGER BEVERAGES BUDWEISER COSTUME AND GO TO LOCAL BARS ASKING TO SAMPLE THE BEER… TRUST ME ON THIS… IT DOESN’T WORK.

WENDY: PARENTS… DO NOT SAY… “TRICK OR TREAT, SMELL MY FEET, GIVE ME SOMETHIN GOOD TO EAT.” THIS REALLY EMBARRASES THE KIDS. BUT I STILL LOVE DOING IT!!!!

CHRIS: DON’T SECRETLY OPEN PIECES OF CANDY AND THEN SAY…”OH THIS IS OPEN… YOU CAN’T EAT THIS.. I’D BETTER GET RID OF IT… “ AND THEN TURN YOUR BACK AND EAT THE CANDY… KIDS AREN’T THAT STUPID.

WENDY: PARENTS... DON’T BRING YOUR DOG ALONG DRESSED IN THE SAME COSTUME AS YOUR CHILD…..OBSERVING THIS SIMPLE PIECE OF ADVICE WILL SAVE YOU A FORTUNE IN THERAPY BILLS.

CHRIS: AND FOR YOU HUNTERS OUT THERE… DRESSING YOUR CHILD UP AS A “GUT PILE” IS NOT AT… “COOL” IDEA

WENDY: AND PARENTS… WHATEVER YOU DO… IF YOUR CHILD DECIDES TO DRESS UP AS NATIONAL PARK SUPERINTENDANT… DON’T TAKE THEM TRICK OR TREATING IN PAHASKA OR CODY!!!!

CHRIS: AND THOSE ARE YOU TRICK OR TREAT RULES FOR PARENTS!!!!

NOW, I AM NOT A DEMURE, QUIET, SHY PERSON. ANYONE WHO HAS LISTENED TO COMFORT FOOD OR MET ME IN PERSON KNOWS THIS... HOWEVER.. I AM NOT A YELLER,SCREAMER... WILD ARM WAVING FIEND.... EXCEPT ON SATURDAY AFTERNOONS IN THE FALL. BEGINING SEPTEMBER 1ST UNTIL EARLY DECEMBER.. I AM A WILD MAN... ABSOLUTELY POSSESED... UNREASONABLE... CRAZED MAN.

WHAT CAN MAKE A NORMALLY LIKEABLE PERSON, SUCH AS MY SELF, A MAD MAN?

COLLEGE FOOTBALL... SPECIFICALLY... OKLAHOMA FOOTBALL..

I AM A UNIVERSITY OF OKLAHOMA FOOTBALL FANATIC. NO.. NO.. I AM MORE THAT THAT.. I AM A HUGE FAN... NO.. NO.. THAT ISN'T IT.. I AM... AM... AM.... A TYPICAL BOOMER SOONER OFF MY HEAD, KATIE BAR THE DOOR NUT!!!

I HAD NO CHOICE IN BECOMING A SOONER FAN. MY FATHER, MOTHER, GRANDFATHER, UNCLE, COUSIN, FRIENDS, EVEN SOME PETS... ATTENDED OU.. AND I OF COURSE BEING THE FINE SON I AM ... ATTENDED OU ALSO. SO.. IT ISN'T MY FAULT!!!

DURING SOONER FOOTBALL GAMES.. OUR TWO DOGS... BEG TO LEAVE THE HOUSE BECAUSE OF MY HIGH VOLUME REACTIONS TO EVERY SINGLE PLAY. AFTERWARDS... IT TAKES A LOT OF CONVINCING AND QUITE A FEW TREATS TO GET THEM TO COME BACK INTO THE HOUSE.

WHEN MY STEP CHILDREN FIRST SAW AND HEARD ME ROOT FOR MY SOONERS... THEY WANTED TO JOIN THE DOGS OUTSIDE. THEY ASKED THEIR MOTHER... "WHAT'S WRONG WITH CHRIS!!!" AND SHE EXPLAIND TO THEM THAT... THIS IS HOW HARDCORE COLLEGE FANS REACT TO THEIR BELOVED TEAMS. THEY STILL WERE NOT CONVINCED... THE WERE BOTH ABSOLUTELY SURE.. I WAS OFF MY ROCKER AND THAT THEIR LIVES WOULD BE FOREVER FILLED WITH MY RANTING TIRADES. THEY EVENTUALLY LEARNED.. THAT MY SCREAMING, JUMPING AND WAILING WAS PRETTY MUCH CONFINED TO OU FOOTBALL.

MY STEPSON, WHO I LOVE VERY MUCH, ONCE ASKED ME WHY I WAS SO PASSIONATE ABOUT OKLAHOMA FOOTBALL... AND I ANSWERED..."WILL, DURING MY LIFE.. THE MOST CONSISTANT THINGS I HAVE EXPERIENCED HAVE BEEN... THE LOVE OF MY FAMILY, THE LOVE OF GOD AND JESUS AND MY LOVE FOR OKLAHOMA AND OKLAHOMA FOOTBALL." HE JUST KIDN OF STARED AT ME.. AND THEN I SAID... "OKLAHOMA FOOTBALL... 142 ALL AMERICANS, 40 CONFRENCE TITLES, 47 GAME WINNING STREAK (THE LONGEST IN COLLEGE OR PROFFESIONAL SPORTS) AND 7 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS... HE SAID.. " I GUESS THAT'S PRETTY GOOD".. YES WILL... THAT'S ... PRETTY GOOD.

Yes, we have been annoying people throughout northwestern Wyoming for 2 years now. There are so many people to thank.. especially those wives out there who kept their husbands home when they had deciced to show up at the Irma with guns just to shut us up!!!

Seriously folks, thank you all so much. We have received so much support from our listening audience and our live audience. I can't thank you all enough for hanging on during the good times and... the really, really bad times when my jokes just went "splat" and laid there like a gut pile on the Northfork.

I do my very best to make each show funnier than the previous one...I hope I have succeedd in some small way.. and I will continue to do my best to entertain you. You are the finest people in this country and I am so proud to be one of you.

TAKE CARE... THANK YOU FOR LISTENING AND LAUGHING!!!

CHRIS TURNER
IDIOT HOST

This coming Saturday is our 100th broadcast. Wow, I wasn't even sure we would make it to the 3rd!

I have always belived that Comfort Food would make it atleast 5 years... yeah.. thats easy to say at a cocktail party "Oh I plan to do the show for years and years and years... is that spinach dip over there?" Now that we've done 100 shows... my brain feels like spinach dip.

I am not complaining.... I love doing this show.. I love the people I work with and I love making people laugh... this show has been the greatest professional gift I ever have experienced and reaching 100 shows is an accomplishment I am very proud of. People who read the Cody Enterprise story or the Billings'Gazette story have come up and congratulated me... but one member of my family is still unimpressed. When we had the Bar J Wranglers... he didn't lift an eye brow. When we had "The Sons of the Sanjuaqin" on the show... he didn't sniff. When our audience was reduced to tears of laughter over a sketch, he turned his head and ignored me. My dog Arnold is very hard to impress. If this was the celebration of his 100th or 1000th or 1 millionth treat.. then he would be impressed.

No matter what goal I reach with Comfort Food or how great any particular sketch or show is... I know one thing... when I arrive home after the 100th broadcast...or perhaps the worst show I have ever done... Arnold is goign to look at me the same no matter what.. "Hey dad.. hey dad... you look great.. how about a treat!!!!"

Recently, Comfort Food and my self were honored by the University of Wyoming's American Heritage Center. They wrote me a letter and asked if they could become the official repository for everything "Comfort Food" the scripts, shows, memos, contracts, letters, emails... photos... all of it! The whold Meatloaf!! I called them to make sure it was legitimate... I was afraid someone who really hated the show had sent me a phony letter in hopes they could destroy all record of the show... and trust me.. there have been shows i wished had been destroyed!!

I spoke with a wonderful gentleman, Mark Greene who informed me that the letter was legitimate and that they really, really wanted the show. Then I waited for the mention of money.. I may be cynical but.. whenever you receive a letter from a university or have a conversation with an administrator... the word "money" comes up... it didn't. They honestly want Comfort Food. I was even more honored!! Wow.. scholars studing my show, my writing.. decades from now. Suddenly, my heart sank... you see... as you can tell from this blog.. I am a very poor speller... and I mean poor.. terrible.. awful.. stinky.. embarrasingly bad... my cast makes fun of my spelling. The scholars, on reviewing the scripts will come to the only obvious conclusion.. "Chris Turner is an idiot-savant" he was a brilliant writer who could not write... he was lucky to spell his own name correctly.

Be that as it may, (whatever that means) I am honored and excited to have the show housed by the American Heritage Center.. the only thing that worries me is... someone may.. just may.. do their doctorate thesis on me... boy.. I dont want that person operating on me!!!!